What do you do when someone is very sure they are following the fair fighting rules, but they aren't?
(Let me emphasize that the fair fighting rules are VERY important to my husband– he knows all about them and never fails to point out when I've broken one. This isn't due to a lack of knowledge about the rules)
The one I struggle with is yelling, but I apologize for yelling every time. Even if it takes a while, i ultimately end up admitting I yelled and apologizing.
On the other hand, my husband has all kinds of rationales for why he's not actually breaking the guidelines. For example, today, first he used an exaggeration/strawman by accusing me of suggesting something ridiculous. I called out the exaggeration, and he said "I didn't mean to do that" which to him is a deflection, he uses this to lessen the significance of things. He shrugs it off by saying that. So I said it doesn't matter, you still broke that rule.
He would not say he broke the rule or apologize for breaking the rule, something he asks me to do all the time. He will explicitly say I've broken the rule and ask me to acknowledge. So anyway, he wont say he's broken a rule or apologize for doing so. I give the example that when I yell without meaning to, I accept that I've broken a rule and I would like the same courtesy. He latches on to that and won't stop talking about "exactly, when you yell you're breaking a rule even though you don't mean to." This becomes the point of our discussion, with him repeatedly returning to my yelling. I try to direct it back by saying "I didn't yell in this conversation, what we're talking about is blah blah blah" to no avail. He keeps at it. I start to cry and go to the bathroom where he texts me "I didn't say that you yelled in this conversation. I was illustrating that when you yell, I just don't want to be yelled at"
,
We didn't talk for a few hours and then, Hours later, he said that this was not going off topic, but rather "active listening" by "letting me know he knew what I meant."
He has been like this for years. Did he not go off topic, and then indeed confirm it, and then go back on that, or am I just crazy? We are already in marriage counseling. I don't see how I caused any of this particular interaction to go off the rails. I feel hopeless after many years of this and I don't want to try anymore. I don't want to talk to him about our problems anymore at all because of this, which he then says is me not being a team player. 😠Please help.