So last week I (22F) went through my fiance’s (29M) phone; we’ve been having some issues and for a couple months we were just living separate lives, not really on the same page with anything and not really caring about that either. At least he didn’t. For me it was torture.
Anyways, I went through his phone and all these websites were up where you can see random girls’ nudes and chat with them and stuff like that. When I first asked him about it all he just said he was watching porn (ik everyone feels differently about it; I really don’t care if he watches porn or not. I watch it too so I’m not about to be hypocritical and controlling) and that “you know how those websites are things just pop up.” But he could tell a couple days ago that I was bothered about something, so we talked about it again. I basically told him that I know him and I know that wasn’t the truth and to please just be honest about it. So then he said he was watching porn one day and there was an ad about seeing girls nudes and that he wanted to look at them. That REALLY hurt. He never asks me to send them, I don’t do it often because he hasn’t been able to finish during sex for a couple months now. And for about 6 months he struggles A LOT to get or stay hard. It’s heartbreaking because when we first started dating I didn’t have to do anything special to get him going. He would be ready and I didn’t even have to touch him.
I don’t blame him because we’ve been in a toxic dynamic for a long time now. We fight over everything, we don’t talk to each other in a healthy way and there is always some kinda tit for tat thing going on. I also caught him ALMOST entertaining another girl. I say almost because HE said they never hung out but there were all these google searches (he swears on everything he loves he didn’t search it up and that somebody with access to his email googled that stuff instead) about “I love cheating” “cheating definition” “I cheated on her and I loved it” “how to stop cheating” basically every girls nightmare scenario when going thru their partner’s phone.
Everything in my body tells me to leave and that he did cheat and I’m just never going to get the truth out of him. But I genuinely don’t want to. I know everyone says it, especially men but we were supposed to get married and all this stuff. I just don’t think I can handle a whole life with a lying gaslighter. My question I guess is can any of this be solved through couples therapy? Or am I just wasting my time. I don’t want to be that girl that wastes her 20s with someone I’M in love with, who doesn’t love me and will ultimately end up breaking my heart and ruining my life. Please don’t judge the whole relationship off this whole post because when things are going well, I’ve never felt so connected with someone. He’s genuinely my best friend and we are entirely ourselves around each other. He makes me laugh harder than anyone I’ve ever met. Sorry this is so long but idk what to do. Can toxic relationships be fixed? If so, how and where do I start đ
TL;Dr my fiance might have cheated, is generally dishonest and things have been bad for awhile. Is there any way we can make it through this like couples therapy? I don’t want to leave him I really don’t
10 comments
Girl donât marry this man. Trust your gut. I just got out of a relationship just like this and trust me, it doesnât get better.
Go with your guy boo, youâll be ok
This dude should not be your finance. This dude is a story that mothers warn their daughters about.
You can’t fix a man who can’t even tell you the truth.
Someone used his Gmail? Why do you believe this?
This may be your first adult relationship, so maybe you don’t know this, but it’s not supposed to be like this.
*Your body is telling you to run because it knows the truth. It’s known for a long time. Listen to it!*
I agree with the others who do not think this can be saved. One other thing OP: his inability to âfinishâ is much more likely to be due to his porn habit than anything you do or did.
When I was searching those things I cheated – Google searches are seriously telling
I wouldn’t stand for that he’s obsessed with other women and naked ones .Big red flag he does not deserve you .I would have left him along time ago
People havenât pointed out reasonings for why this canât work but I think the main and most important is: does he want to fix the relationship too?
All of these details indicates that heâs really into porn (not an entirely bad thing but is probably why he canât âget it upâ), may have cheated and does not seem to care.
If he doesnât CARE than I donât think itâs worth it to make him care. Couplesâs therapy from what Iâve heard is only a viable option if both partners are into it and want to make it work. Thereâs no point is only one of you puts in the work when he would rather be elsewhere. I donât want to say this canât be fixed but think back to how this relationship went sour. Was it really both of you or did he lose interest and fighting became natural? Note, this is only my very narrow view of your relationship, please state reasons for why this relationship may succeed otherwise.
Why would you stay with someone who treats you like crap, you’re fighting and he either has cheated or he’s planning on it. And you’re fighting. And your sex life is troubled. And he’s quite a bit older. And he’s lied to you. Why the hell do you want to save this? Please don’t waste any more time on this.
Youâre 22 years old, you have your entire life ahead of you.
Go be single, understand what you want for yourself and how to love yourself and be alone.
Toxicity in a relationship does not ever become erased. You canât put the toothpaste back in the tube.