I hate but like the idea of sex

I'm an 18 year old gay guy who's only had 1 sexual experience with 1 ex, his dick didn't taste nice at all amd the sight of his dick irl freaked me out and disgusted me, I kept going but now when I see pics I'm totally fine and into it but when it's irl then I find it gross amd disgusting and I really don't want it but I do, I want to feel the love and passion but my brain hates the idea, why is my brain like this?