My wife (32F) and me (36M) are separated after 2 1/2 years of marriage and- shocker- only been together for 3. We’re technically in the middle of the divorce, but kinda dating again.
She came from a very dysfunctional Russian family. Abusive, physically and emotionally. And she was molested for years by a neighbor and that led to some super dark paths she went down in her early adulthood. She left the illegal and unhealthy lifestyle she lived. Never got therapy. This is relevant to our relationship.
I’ve got my own flaws and trauma. I’m far from perfect, but I’m big on working on things and taking personal responsibility for my wrongs.
Almost the day after we got married she changed. She became increasing abusive, at first just emotionally/verbally. Saying things about my character that were untrue, talking about all the guys she’d rather be with. Sex dropped off almost entirely right off the bat. She began to ask for a divorce weekly.
Went to tons of marriage counseling, but things only got worse. It started getting physical, she started throwing stuff at me. Then she started kicking me, then it became hitting. Even in public. I really set in after she left huge claw marks on my face and neck that didn’t go away for awhile in December of this last year. I was advised to file a police report, but I couldn’t do that as I love her and didn’t want that to affect her life negatively.
During this time she’d tell me when she was calm that she was worried she’d kill me in her moments of rage. This was something she kept telling me over a 4-5 month period.
I take my vows very seriously, I’m very committed and loyal. But she started to refuse marriage counseling at all. I felt like I was stuck, I can’t have a relationship with myself. I poured so much into us. So I asked her for a divorce. She was relieved.
I had a mental breakdown and hospitalized myself after working for 7 days a week to avoid thinking about my divorce. I wasn’t sleeping for days.
She kinda came back in my life about 2 months ago during the divorce. It started with us meeting up to go over some things and ended in sex of course. First and last time since. We’ve been dating and we can actually have good times and work on issues. But she refuses to commit. There is no intimacy. I try to do everything she asks. I’ve even changed how I act for her. Every hoop she has me jump through, there’s another one lined up for me by her after. It feels like I’m in the friend zone despite what she says.
I’m torn, I feel hopeless that we’ll ever have a healthy relationship. She keeps giving me crumbs of hope after she lashes out or I say we need to finish the divorce. And maybe I’m just a sucker, but I believe her. Or want to believe her.
Part of me wants to move on and find some girl who wants to make things work regardless of difficulties and have a family. It’s still difficult for me to walk away from my vows. I feel like I’d be betraying her.
If this was just dating it would be easy. I don’t want to throw away something I love and put so much work into. I just don’t see it changing.
No infidelity as far as I know. I’m not abusive. I was too rigid before, but I’ve loosened up substantially and she’s noticed.
Any advice welcome.
TL;DR wife (32F) and I (36M) are separated and in middle of divorce. She was abusive and refused counseling during marriage. Now wants a relationship, but won’t give me a real relationship, won’t let me go. I’m torn and don’t know what to do. She keeps feeding me crumbs.