TL;DR This is about my ex. I'm 17F, he's 18M. We were both 16 when we were together. I wanna keep writing about him but l've already said everything I can. Everytime I get sad I wanna write it. Every mixed emotion I feel. Every account of him l've wrote could sculpt him. I wanna keep writing about how I feel bad. How I know he wasn't a good person and we never would've worked. I only hurt myself by reminding myself of him. No matter the angle I try to take it won't change the fact that he's out of my life.
All the questions like "was he really in the wrong here?" And "what if I did something wrong and it's my fault?" always come back to me. If I wronged him I want to indentify that, even if I can't apologize to him. I've already apologized anyway. I always ended up feeling guilty. He never demanded an apology, but l'd feel wrong anyway.
The lines on whether or not I did something bad or if he did something bad have me confused. I can't distinguish that. I try to tell myself that no matter if something could've been changed and who did what doesn't matter anymore. I have that empty sinking guilt in my stomach.
I feel I must've had to have done something wrong. If I did, I am sorry and I didn't mean to do it. If he did, I'm not sad or mad. None of it matters. Everyday I still have his shadow in my head. Of someone that doesn't care about how I'm doing. He's emotionally detached from me.
I keep thinking of him because I'm alone right now and I have all the room in the world to just think. I get alone with my thoughts. I think about big things that have happened in my life, people that meant a lot to me, and I keep reminding myself of that bs. I don't have friends to hang out with, no one new. As douchey as he was, he was the last person that l've been close to.