**TLDR: GF cheated early in relationship, apologized and we decided to move past it. However multiple incidents since have led to trust issues and is causing tension**
Throwaway for obvious reasons. Long post warning.
I(24m) met my G(21f) of 3 years on a dating app during college. We’ve been LDR 2 of the 3 years due to Covid & me graduating before her. Multiple incidents where her words have not matched action are mentioned below chronologically.
1st Incident: 3 months into the relationship, we spent the night together for the first time. The very next day she went to a college party got black out drunk and lost her phone in the process. I didn’t hear from her properly for a week. When she finally calls, she’s crying and says that her peers saw her making out with someone while she drunk, she doesn’t remember any of it. I was taken aback and immediately consoled her, asked for space to think. She blamed it on the alcohol and the environment. All her peers were turning against her because of this drama, she was in a very rough place so I decided to forgive her.
2nd Incident: 3 months after this incident; I was at her college fest. We were drinking at the college bar (same bar 1st incident occurred). Out of the blue a guy approached me and was beginning to introduce himself and proceeded to apologize. I didn’t know who he was. Then I noticed my gf tearing up and freaking out. I put it together in my head, assured her that it was him who approached me and not the other way around; and I just wanted to hear him out.
She continued freaking out and ultimately her best friend noticed this and dragged me away from the guy. I was left consoling her on the way back.
After this we had multiple conversations about this topic, she asked for my feelings and boundaries. I told her that specific bar makes me uncomfortable. She then assured me that she wouldn’t go there again. (She did end up going 3 times after that…)
3rd Incident: We were at the same fest 2 years later. I’m not one for huge crowds or concerts; she enjoys dancing in such settings. There was a concert and we were trying to look for her friends but unfortunately we couldn’t find them. I tried to encourage her to dance by dancing myself. But she seemed out of it. We went to a secluded spot then and were making out. Out of the blue she says “I’d much rather be in the crowd with my friends rather than here” I was taken aback by this, and when I inquired where this is coming from she said “It’s just your insecurities acting up”
I was heartbroken. I excused myself and left.
Now 3 years in, she’s going to move to my city for work. This is the first time we’ll be actively living in the same place for an extended period of time. Our relationship is so shaky we have trust and communication issues. I still love her. Is there any way at all to make this work?
Edit: The guy in incident 2 is the same from incident 1
25 comments
Dude you already know the answer. Also shes using alcohol as an excuse. Ive been drunk but alcohol doesn’t make you want to cheat if you truly respect your partner. Dont give cheaters a 2nd chance because 9 times out of 10 they will do it again. You deserve better!
No there isn’t a way to make this work
Honestly I think you are better off cutting ties. Chances are she has cheated more than once. For the guy to come apologize out of nowhere, but no context? Was this the making out? Or was he apologizing for another incident that you don’t know about? And she was freaking out 3 months later? Plus her remark from the third incident, sounds like she realizes you are a pushover. I’d leave
3 times! Dude get the hell out!
The pattern in the past was that she makes put with someone else and then you end up consoling her.
So imo, once you are in the same city, decide boundaries in advance and break up when they are broken. No further consoling or amazing together because you feel sorry for her. And you should be mentally preparing yourself for breakup already, so that you don’t drag yourself in dysfunctional relationship for years.
It sounds like you have, and are, being manipulated. What about this relationship makes you want to stick it out? You’re a young guy. Why don’t you think you can do better than some girl that has likely cheated on you several times?
You haven’t given us any indication of any good qualities this person has. She is also very young and probably wants to play the field, which is fine, but you don’t have to stick by her while she does it if that’s not the type of relationship you’re comfortable with. And I say this to you as a polyamorous person who has been in a relationship for nearly 20 years, and in another steady relationship for almost 2.
If you aren’t comfortable with her going outside of your relationship, you need to end it. She may not stop cheating on you even when she’s in the same city, and you need to come to terms with that.
The common denominators here are bars, alcohol and your GF. As someone who sadly has had a lot of bad experience with alcoholism, your GF has the makings of someone who has trouble controlling herself while drinking. Unless addressed, there could be serious problems on the horizon.
Was the guy in the second incident the same as the first incident?
It sounds like you’ve fallen into the pattern where she hurts/betrays you and you console her for feeling bad about hurting/betraying you. That isn’t kind or fair to you. It also sounds like she gets drunk and makes out with other guys a lot. She says you have insecurities but feeling like she might cheat on you, again, isn’t being insecure.
I get you love her, but she’s pretty horrible. She cheats and the bit where she interrupts making out with you to say she’d prefer hanging out with the friends who ditched her is just heartbreaking.
It sounds like maybe they did more than make out with dude, judging by how you said she acted when he approached you, to apologize, for banging your girl.
There are lots of women out there buddy, some are better than others. And there are some who won’t treat you like that, or make you feel how you’re feeling.
See if things get better when she moves to your city, be prepared to cut ties if they don’t.
Was her moving to the same city as you a conscious decision to move closer for the relationship as well, or was it purely for work?
Ghost this girl yesterday
so she gets to cheat on you and you have to console her, but any feelings you might have are “just your insecurities acting up”… sounds like a great relationship..
She is a repeat offender I would say it’s time to let her go. She doesn’t seem to be the type to well stop herself especially when she is in a relationship.
Sounds like the dude was gonna apologize for banging your gf. She probably went home with him that night and she freaked out in the morning telling the dude she had a bf.
You should have cut ties early on. She cheated on you twice and you did nothing. She knows she can push and push. Stand up for yourself and get rid of this toxic woman.
Dump her. She’s proven multiple times she loves the one she’s with, as in within arm’s reach.
She has lied to you multiple times. Find someone who is quality. She isn’t.
Here’s what I’ll add…
Sometimes when you’re trying to start a new relationship, there’s a lot of unfinished business from your past or unhealthy relationships that need to be severed.
But here’s the problem I see. You said it’s been THREE YEARS and you’re still not feeling solid with this girl?
That’s a huge issue. Maybe if you said like three MONTHS, I might say try to see things through. But if you haven’t developed trust by now, I fear either you aren’t able to give that trust or she’s not behaving in a way to earn it.
You may have to really ask yourself if you guys are compatible.
When you date a teenager and they do stupid teenager things, you really shouldn’t be that surprised
Yeah, she will always cheat on you, as she has for the last 3 years. Why are you with her still?
This girl sounds like trash. Stop wearing rose colored glasses and GTFO.
And stop being the nice guy who consoles your girlfriend when she cries fake tears for cheating on you. You have it backwards. She should have been on her hands and knees begging for your forgiveness. Instead she made it all about her.
Yes, you can make a relationship work after infidelity, but your girlfriend (the cheater) is the one who is going to have to do a lot of the work. Is she really willing to do that? It sounds to me like after the infidelity happened you guys didn’t really work on things or actually do anything to really rebuild the broken trust. You just kind of moved past it and kept dating. That is of course going to result in ongoing trust issues.
To me, it just doesn’t seem like it’s worth it to bother continuing this particular relationship.
It’s not a her issue. It’s a YOU issue for letting her run over you repeatedly and get away with.
The truth is, if you don’t dump her…this will continue until you’re dumb enough to marry her and you walk in on her fucking a co-worker or friend. Then you make another post like this, take her back, then 20 years from now…when she sucks you dry…you just leave.
Finito the way it SHOULD have been, but now you are a husk of a person. Sad and angry. No longer capable of being a living human being.
This is exactly your future on its current course.
BREAK UP. Simple as that, YOU’RE Literally free. Idk why Ur so stressed and scared about this stuff …..
Hey broski, just tell her to be best friends and make new girl friends instead okay 😀 that’s so cooool isn’t it? Your making NEW FRIENDS YAYYYY. So yes, just break up and that’s it :DDD.
To put it bluntly. She’s a kid and wants to live it up in college. She’s showing signs of emotional manipulation has probably cheated on you. Also with her friends at the bar in your second incident? You got played like a fiddle by her and her friend. Dude was probably about to spill the beans about way more happening than just a kiss.
Not trying to be hyperbolic but your gf sounds like the typical immature college chick that is practicing manipulation and “living it up”. Bail.
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And I’ll say again. Bail. Baaaaaaaaaaaail for the love of god.
Advice my therapist gave me after a similar situation. You have two options, either break up or forgive so thoroughly you can trust her again. I don’t know what’s the right option for you but the amount of anxiety (in my situation I was constantly anxious) and mistrust you’re holding onto isn’t healthy for you.
She cheated on you mate and the other guy came to apologise for banging her brains out. That why it took her a week respond to you. She has plenty of opportunity to play the field while you are faithful. Break it off and Don’t cry about it to her, she doesn’t deserve it. Take it as a life lesson and move on.