This needs context;
I started going out clubbing when i was 21. I am an attractive girl, men always approach me but i’ve never let anything happen. I never had a boyfriend. I had my very first kiss 3 weeks ago. And it only happened cause i ended up at an after and i got blackout drunk and this guy was hitting on me. I was so drunk i don’t even remember how it even really happened.
I just know we made out for hours after. Which i regret cause that guy was a random guy and i was waiting to make that experience with someone i genuinely like. But it happened and i’ve made peace with it.
If at my age i’ve never even dated its because i have high standards when it comes to liking someone. Its really rare that someone’s energy makes my heart beat. Anyway….
Yesterday i went to a party. And A, the guy i like was there too (but i didn’t know). For ulterior context, i am attracted to A. I met him 3 months ago and i know he’s attracted to me too. I’ve told him about my lack of experience and he said he believes me but still it sounded surprising to him that a girl like me has never dated etc.
Unfortunately i haven’t had many chances to see A. He has asked me out or generally asked me to join him on nights out but i could never make it sadly. We only hung out 3 times on nights out with our friends. But there absolutely was a lot of tension between us and he has made some first steps towards me.
He also kinda tried to kiss me once but i wasn’t ready…
I wish my first kiss happened with him:(
Back to the story. A was there too yesterday but i didn’t know and only found out when it was too late.
So i go to this club with my friend. We pre drank so we were really drunk. We kept drinking. And then guys were approaching me and i ended up making out with 7 different guys.
I wasn’t forced by them. I was happily participating. I also made out with two guys at the same time. I was the one who told one of them he should tell his friend to join us. Thats how i ended up between two guys while they were groping me. And i liked it in that moment.
All of this just happened because i got way too drunk. I would have never done anything like that if i wasn’t.
At some point during the night we saw A. We found out he was in the vip section, which has a perfect overview over the rest of the club.
He had just come downstairs to go smoke a cigarette.
He said hey to us and then left. Normally he would have engaged in a conversation but he didn’t.
But i was way too drunk to understand what was going on so my friend and i kept cruising around. At some point a mutual friend of ours and A saw us and told us to join them in the vip.
I sat down on the couch for a minute and a while after that A came back and sat next to me. He said something along the lines of “i saw u had fun”. I told him i am drunk and dont know what i am exactly doing. He just said “i think u were just enjoying urself”. Drunk me started telling him “it just happened because i was drunk” and he said i am a lost cause. I noticed he was also drunk. I had never seen him that drunk tbh.
I got closer to him and hugged him. (I know thats so embarrassing but i was literally so drunk). He told me he doesn’t want us to be that close. He grabbed my face and looked me in the eyes. Our faces were super close. I kissed him. He kissed me back and we made out. I got on top of him and it just got way too much, my friend had to come and tell me to stop. She divided us and we just sat down next to each other again. A told me i am a liar. I told him my version of the story. And he said he didn’t even care anymore.
We started arguing a bit, then he proposed we go outside to breathe a moment.
I said ok.
When we got outside we encountered some guys, one of them i made out with and that guy tried approaching me again, which almost lead to a fight between him and A.
After this scene we somehow end up in A’s car. We start kissing again and while he kisses and touches me he starts saying i am a wh0r3.
That i lied to him and that i am just a big disappointment. Me being drunk and all over the place i tell him to shut up and keep kissing him.
Then he stops and pulls out his phone and a small tube, and starts railing some lines of c0ke. I knew he used … but in that moment i got offended he paused the kissing to take lines.
So i got pissed off and told him i wanted to go back inside. He grabbed me with a lot of force and kissed me. That turned me on like nothing ever before. I’ll spare u guys the details but i asked him to hit and punch me and he did. He really hurt me and i liked it.
After maybe 1 hour of this my friend called and came to pick me up.
My make up was completely ruined, my top and pants were a mess. I had red marks everywhere.
And while i liked it in that moment and its something that turns me on… i cant help but feel weird and embarrassed.
He texted me some hours ago saying he’s sorry for the words he used but he lost any trust he had in me. He said he wants to meet up cause he wants me but he sees me with different eyes now.
I don’t know what to think. I was so drunk and regret everything i did yesterday. I have crazy anxiety and feel embarrassed. I don’t know whats my fault or not. I don’t know if i deserve the harsh words he told me. I am sad cause i lost A. He now only sees me as a hookup. And i genuinely felt a connection to him. I am sad our first kiss was in that state and way. I am embarrassed that i let him talk to me like that. I am embarrassed that i told him i like when i get hit. I am embarrassed that he knows that i am kinky. It all shouldn’t have happened this way.
I want to see him again tonight but i fear it might be a bad choice. After all thatd happened … i am so confused.
How can i make everything okay again? How to reset all of this? How to make this all never happrn again? I fear that my first kiss happening has opened the gate for promiscuous behavior.,,
So sorry if this is all over the place too but i haven’t gotten much sleep and am still hangover asf.
TLDR;
TL;DR:
I'm a 23-year-old woman who started clubbing at 21 and had my first kiss three weeks ago when I got blackout drunk. Last night, I went to a party, got very drunk, and made out with seven guys. I later saw a guy I like (A) at the club, and we ended up making out and engaging in rough behavior that I found myself liking. Now, I'm embarrassed and regretful. A told me he lost trust in me but still wants to meet. I'm unsure how to fix things, if I should see him again, and fear my actions might lead to promiscuous behavior. I'm feeling confused, anxious, and embarrassed about everything that happened.