I’ve ruminated over a girl (28F) for the past 7 months, and by the looks of things, it is only going to get worse. I don’t know how to get out of it and it’s starting to affect other relationships. I’ve told this story multiple times, so please excuse the lack of detail, because I want to get to the heart of the matter quick. It’s a 4 year story.
7 months ago, I learned that I had rejected a woman who had been interested in me over a 3 year period. I’m very direct, so if you aren’t asking me out, I assume you’re only being friendly. This woman would try catch my attention, occasionally send subtle hints, but I never caught them. Her friend said she felt like she was getting old, wanted to find a man, tried dating apps and such but nothing worked. And one day, when she tried to make a move, I’d simply shut her down like she was nobody. I had no clue. What made me react was her noticeable frustration and the audible sigh she let out at the time.
When I learned this, I wanted to see her to relieve some of her frustration. She deseves no such shit, but she was understandably done with me. The thing I didn’t want, was to have frustrated her to the point of settling for someone. She could get anyone she wants. But I could no longer reach her. I tried seeing her in person, but she avoided. Asked to be called, but got no call back. I tried seeing her friend, but they didn’t show up alone.
Fast forward 2 months, I learn that someone has moved in with her.
They’ve been together for 5 months now. Now I don’t know who this guy is. He might be the greatest guy in the universe, or he might be the emotional support she needs. I don’t know and it’s none of my business, but what I don’t want to have done, is to have pushed her into the arms of someone she earlier might’ve not considered good enough.
I’ve been thinking about her constantly for the past 7 months, wanting to apologize, feeling like the biggest douche bag in the universe. Not because I want her, but because I disrespected her, and all I want to do is to apologize. But it is too late now and I haven’t (nor will ever) reach out. My earlier attempts must’ve sent a sufficient message.
How do I stop blame myself now and how do I get out of this loop? What is it I’m feeling and why isn’t it getting better with time?
TL;DR: Feel like I frustrated a girl to the point of settling and now I feel like garbage, constantly ruminating about her.