Since I was a teenager I have had a very strong moral code to me. Not like, "no sex outside of marriage" or "lies should be punished" kind of thing, just certain beliefs about what it is to be a consistently caring, respectful person. I have strong beliefs about whether emotions should be used to rationalise harmful behaviour, and have observed a lot about how people seem to rationalise doing mean things to people they have decided deserve it – be it someone from a different political leaning, demographic, someone you have heard nasty things about, etc. without getting into it too much, I have a strong sense of right and wrong that I think about all the time. I'm sure that sounds pretentious. I don't really talk to anyone about it though. It's just a standard of behaviour I set myself that I feel keeps me in line with who I want to be and how I want others to treat me.
I have had a problem for a while where I get disappointed with the people around me for not living up to the same standards though. I see them talking over people they have deemed less intelligent in arrogance, or talk badly about each other, or be terribly rude when they are upset with no apology after. Or be nice to someone's face and then talk badly when they are gone. I don't want to hang around with people like that, and I don't want the attitude to rub off on me… But it leads back to the problem I face, where I find I have distanced myself so much from others that I am just, alone. No one seems good enough.
Recently I have been trying to be less like this. Sure, what that guy just said was incredibly ignorant and arrogant, but that's ok! Wow, that person really partonises people when explaining her political stance and silences anyone who disagrees with her – that's fine! Since I've been doing that, I've been feeling a bit better about being around people. But I can't help but feel like I'm losing my values, too. Maybe I'll just lie all the time. If it's ok for someone else to assume they're right and everyone is wrong, why not do it myself? I feel like there's a monster in me I can only contain by these rules of morality, and if I say it's okay for others to break them, why not me. How can I separate things that are "ok" for others to do, but not ok for me? If I would be upset with myself for doing something like that, how can I not be upset with someone else? How can I trust anyone who isn't intentional with their behaviours like that?