Link to original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/s/ug9skITG0A
After reading your comments, I decided to meet with Kate but not read the email.
Kate came to the house yesterday and when I opened the door she looked terrible. She tried to hug me and started mumbling apologies but I stopped her and we sat down to talk.
I started by telling Kate that I would be recording the audio of the conversation and she agreed. I then asked her to explain what happened and told her that I haven't read the email she sent
Kate said she had been at the bar with 2 friends (I know and like both of them) and told me what she had to drink. I was surprised at how little she drank because it was the same amount we would normally drink when going for dinner, a few glasses of wine and a cocktail. She admitted she was only slightly tipsy.
One of her friends Sarah, has a younger brother Max (27M) who came to pick them up around midnight. It's a running joke in their group that Max has had major crush on Kate since highschool and I had heard them joke about this.
The four of them went to get some food and Max then dropped each one off until it was just him and Kate. Kate said she didn't want him to drive the 20 mins to her parents place after working all day so would just order an Uber from his apartment. She went into his apartment to order the Uber but couldn't get one. Max suggested she should crash in his bed and he would take the sofa, he would then drop her off in the morning. Kate refused and continued to try to find an Uber.
They were sitting on Max's bed and he kissed her. She kissed him back and they ended up having sex (she confirmed again that it was consensual) After that she broke down crying from guilt and Max took her home. She cried for another hour then tried to call me to tell me what she had done.
We had to stop a number of times because Kate kept breaking down and crying hysterically. She told me it was a huge mistake, she got caught up in the moment, it was terrible, she only loves me blah blah blah.
After she was done, I told her that her story didn't make sense but it didn't matter at this stage because I was done. This caused another breakdown.
I told her I was going to continue with the divorce preparations but for the next month we would be separated with no contact. I also told her that we would both remain faithful, would get a full STD panel and she would tell our mutual friends and family what happened. If she sticks to these conditions, I would be willing to meet again to see if there was any way forward other than divorce.
She enthusiastically agreed to this but made it clear that she did not expect me to stay faithful to her.
I know many of you will criticise this decision but I need to be sure that divorce is the right option after I have had time to process everything that has happened. I am still 99% sure that is where we are heading but I need to be 100% certain.
Edit: just to clarify because many of you seem to be focusing on this point. I've had mutual friends and my wife's family send me nasty messages, turn up at my house etc because according to Kate, I kicked her out over an argument. My request was that Kate tells them it's because she has been unfaithful, not a full rundown of everything that happened.
Tldr: heard the story, don't believe it but will slow down the divorce process to see if there is any hope for the future
30 comments
Reposting my comment from your other post, as it will probably get more traction here.
This was a conscious decision on her part. Considering that she was not even drunk (you mentioned that she drank very little and was only slightly tipsy), she knew EXACTLY what she was doing. After the act, the post coital dysphoria got to her.
There’s definitely more to this that she’s not telling you. If you want to get closure, she needs to tell you the exact chain of events that led her to consciously cheat on you. In my personal opinion, divorce is the only way out of this mess. Stay strong. I’m rooting for you and look forward to the next update.
Also, Max is an absolute scumbag. I’m sure he was well aware of your wife’s marital status, yet did what he did anyway.
There was another post where the husband told the wife to tell everyone of her infidelity in order to heal their marriage. She did and everyone shunned her. So essentially she got isolated and relied on the husband since she had no one else to talk to. And even after that he still was deciding if it was worth continuing with the marriage.
You are making rational decisions to not let emotions drive long term decision making. Unfortunately your wife did not do the same and my main questions if you decide to go down the path of reconciliation in the end would be around:
1. Have you harbored feelings for him in the past?
2. Do you feel like you were missing out because we are together?
3. What is missing from our relationship that made you seek others?
4. Most importantly: what will you do to earn my trust again and make me think this isn’t going to be an ongoing issue or reoccurrence? Both with him and others. You cannot fix the relationship and ensure it won’t happen again if she cannot be truthful on what made it happen.
I am usually all for giving people a chance. This is a tough one because as you said she wasn’t insanely drunk, kissed him and didn’t stop, and let her lack of inhibition carry her through the entire act. Best of luck OP.
I don’t think getting your family in the middle of this is a wise idea, either direction it ends up going.
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Your wife deliberately tried to be alone with Max, tradition was intentional. His are crocodile tears. Good luck.
I’m sorry you have to deal with this, but at least you heard her out and can make an informed decision.
The not wanting Max to drive a whopping 20 minutes is weird. It’s not that far. That and insisting on finding an Uber seems like pretty drunk logic. Or maybe that was an excuse to go to his place. I’d normally say that was a little paranoid but seeing as what happened maybe not.
You both know her limit better than internet strangers, but “a few” glasses of wine and a cocktail is a significant amount of booze. Depending on the timeframe and the particulars that could be pretty tipsy. Then again, over a few hours and a meal and then not so much. Again you all know her limit and tolerance more than we do.
It sucks OP. Good luck whatever you decide. It sounds like you know what you want.
**edit**
Just saw OP’s edit. Not cool. He should start telling everybody what the argument was about since she hasn’t done so. I think that would be the last straw and end any possibility of reconciling.
Why would you not divorce her? Why would you “slow down the divorce process” if she outs herself to all your family and friends? Why would you bother giving her hope, and why would you bother sticking around on someone who had sex with someone else because it was convenient?
Why would the friend’s brother drop your wife off last instead of his own sister?
No way this is the full story if this is real. No way that she couldn’t get an Uber if this is even a decently populated area. No way he just kissed her if he offered to sleep on the couch. Talk to his sister.
This was all planned or this is a creative writing exercise.
Op, consider it this way.
If she told you the truth, she consciously cheated on you. It took zero convincing. She knew what she was doing.
Is that going to be something you can get over? And is it even something you want to get over? You’ll just be sending a message that she can get away with it if she’s sorry enough.
The other side to this is if she lied to you. Lying on top of cheating isn’t something to work through. Read the email to see if that even matches what she told you.
I’ll be honest with you here. Divorce is the right move. I understand that you have to be sure, and i understand it isn’t a small decision. But, you do need to remember that you set a hard boundary on cheating. There isn’t any nuance. She cheated.
So there’s a running “joke” about this guy wanting to bang your wife.
Then in the middle of the drive home it is determined that 20 minutes is too far because he “worked all day”.
Then the solution to that ends up with them sitting on his bed…
The logic leaps for this to be believable are miles wide….
Almost 100% the sequence of events did not happen that way.
So she was basically sober and willingly had sex with a man that has wanted her for years. She put herself alone with him in his apartment. Yeah these are all very deliberate decisions to cheat. Hard pass on this woman. The trust will never be restored and who wants to stay in a relationship where you are constantly wondering what the truth is.
Kate, sarah, jill..usually these posts reek of creative writing but i am gonna take a gamble and comment.
I suspect this is what happened.
The flirting was going on for a long time .
How often did she go visit her place?
Anyways, so, this time she went on to take it further each time making a choice.
But. When it actually happened reality struck and then the shitshow of what she had done.
1 month is too less, op.
Take an indefinite time. That’s the only suggestion I can give.
1 month has an expiry date and too short.
In the meantime, every little detail you wanna ask. Write them down.
Eg. When he tried to kiss you, why didn’t u consider the consequences?
She might say. I don’t know. Don’t accept that answer ever.
Or she might say. I just went with the flow.
Don’t take that either. That’s cop out.
Or for eg.
She knew what he wanted, she knew what she wanted yet she went on. Doesn’t she respects you .
Don’t be satisfied with ‘ I am selfish ‘. Because that’s a vague answer. Reply with, selfishness is a character flaw and you don’t want a wife like that.
Wait foe her answer then.
Good luck
Did she / could she explain how she ended up sitting on Max’s bed, in his bedroom, with Max right next to her? This suggests she didn’t abandon her commitment to you in a single blinding nanosecond. There was at least a smidgen of premeditation.
In a hundred years I wouldn’t walk into the bedroom of someone I’m not married to and sit down on their bed.
You’re making this too complicated. If cheating is a line that’s an automatic out for you, then divorce. Especially if you don’t have kids. Divorce, move on.
This isn’t a business deal, there’s no need for her to fulfil any conditions so you can be reassured that the 1% of doubt is going to change anything.
Just divorce her and get her out of your life.
Dude if her family keeps coming at you just tell them she cheated on you. It’s not like this is some secret that’s only hers to tell.
Cheating Partners always offer a hall pass so that they can later say they aren’t the only ones who did wrong. Don’t take her up on it.
Personally, I also do not believe her story that Max made a move on her and then they had sex.
No faithful married woman will walk into a guy’s bedroom, sitting on the bed next to them. That part is BS.
The fact that she still cannot be honest with you after the discussion is a massive warning to you.
Dude, the trust is gone. You will never be able to have peace of mind when your wife goes out with her friends. It will drive you crazy.
Even considering giving her a second chance is already the wrong thought, get that shit out of your head.
I know it is a bad idea but Max might give you a more truthful story if you can control your emotions, which is almost impossible.
Anyway, stick to your divorce route, and you did an amazing job taking control of the situation
Let me see if I understood.
Max took the three one by one, but left Kate last. I have a question with this, he made a route with the directions but didn’t he tell Kate that he wouldn’t take her until the two of them were alone?
Now the apartment part. Even though she was trying to find an Uber, why was she in Max’s bed? Why not wait in the living room or kitchen if she was planning to leave?
Her story is full of bullshit.
Like, if she was trying to find an Uber home how did they end up *on his bed*, exactly?
*”Gee, maybe there’s better signal in the* ***bedroom****, have a seat right here and see if your phone works”?*
o_O
But also.,.. a 20 minute drive was too much? Why not just Uber **direct from the bar**? Did she not realize at that moment how far it was?
She **knew what she was doing**, she **wanted** it, may have for *quite some time*, but then… was immediately regretful.
This isn’t actual contrition. Her story is bullshit. She is still lying to you and/or trickle-truthing you.
Mate, first off, I’m really sorry you’re going through this. It’s absolutely gut wrenching to find out that the woman you’ve spent 9 years of your life with, could throw it all away in one night. What you’re doing i.e. to protect yourself and your interests is absolutely right; don’t let anyone here tell you otherwise (in fact, your reaction borders on civil/mild compared to the other posts on here)
Secondly, you’re absolutely right in not buying her version of the story. Most of it doesn’t add up.
>One of her friends Sarah, has a younger brother Max (27M) who came to pick them up around midnight. It’s a running joke in their group that Max has had major crush on Kate since highschool and I had heard them joke about this.
Did Sarah just happen to make that plan of calling her brother to drive them home? How did she reach the bar in the first place?
>Kate said she didn’t want him to drive the 20 mins to her parents’ place after working all day so would just order an Uber from his apartment.
Wow, what a true saint. Why not get down with one of her friends and stay over there, or why not take an Uber from their place?
>They were sitting on Max’s bed, and he kissed her. She kissed him back and they ended up having sex
She just happened to get on his bed while refusing to stay over and whilst trying to find an Uber? Why didn’t she push him away after he kissed her? Just how “tipsy” can one get, where they’re unable to control their impulses or sense when someone is trying to get with them? Why is it that her remorse only kicked in after he fucked her? Outside of the STD panel, I hope she confirmed if he used protection or not?
>I told her I was going to continue with the divorce preparations but for the next month we would be separated with no contact.
If you’re interested in finding out if she’s even ready to reconcile on your terms, please check if she’s blocked Sarah and Max. It’s either that her “friends” decided to deliberately test her resolve on that day, or she’s full of shit on how she unavoidably found herself in Max’s bedroom. That should really clarify things up for you, imo.
> I am still 99% sure that is where we are heading but I need to be 100% certain.
Mate, I’m really sorry to keep rubbing it in, but she’s been with you for 9 YEARS. 9 fucking years and a couple of drinks (not even enough to get her drunk, but just tipsy) was all it took to flush your marriage down the drain. Just some food for thought, do you think all her hysterics and crying is for the pain you’re feeling, or for the pain of the consequences of her actions that she’s feeling? If she cared about your process at all, she should make it clean and smooth for you to take forward on your terms. Divorce her mate, because you could never bring yourself to trust her, if all it took for a severe lapse in her judgment, was a few drinks and a shitty story to cover it up.
Stay strong, bro, and be proud of yourself for how far come; cut off the deadweight that drags you down.
> Kate said she didn’t want him to drive the 20 mins to her parents place after working all day so would just order an Uber from his apartment.
yeah.. this is the core of it right there..
Sorry OP,
I don’t believe your wife’s version of events.
Go to his apartment to call an Uber? Why not do that before dropping off the others?
Stick to your decision. Move forward. Make sure all those bombarding you for kicking her out over an argument know she cheated. Do not believe she will tell them the truth.
I don’t think you can come back from this, I think divorce is the only option. You’ll never see her the same again, and she will never see you the same again.
Going along with the story’s logic, she very likely simply slipped and fell on his penis.
Hey though, good luck. Barely “tipsy” and still decides it’s okay to take a “ride” from a guy who’s had a crush on her for years, alone, and go into his place, is always a good reason to consider staying with someone.
Don’t waste more time, just continue with the divorce.
I listened to a podcast with a relationship therapist. One thing she said was when a women cheats on her husband and the husband takes her back not only does the husband never trust her fully again but also the wife loses respect for her husband. Overstepping the biggest boundary should only end in one way. Separation..
I personally don’t believe they went to his apartment over a 20 minute drive.
He already left his apartment to come to the bar late at night after “working all day”, picked up three women, dropped one off, dropped another off, then once he got to Kate who he apparently has a crush on, it was “too much” to drive 20 minutes? Yeah… Okay.
I think she’s hysterical bc she realizes what she did but I don’t think for a second none of this wasn’t intentional. You don’t just end up in the bed of the man who you KNOW has been crushing on you for years.
As a woman, her story isn’t believable. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
She’s a master manipulator. She’s lying through her teeth.