Hi folks,
I have a college friend who lives in another country and has recently visited and stayed with me and my spouse for the first time. Before this, my friend and I had never stayed in one place, and her visit turned out quite uncomfortable because we turned out to have different lifestyles.
To give some overview:
- Our flat has 1.5 rooms: a master bedroom and a living room combined with the kitchen and a working corner with two desks for my spouse and I are working home-office. Honestly, sometimes it seems too small even for two people, but that's a normal housing situation for Europe, I guess.
My friend slept on a couch in the living room and since this room is the main place we spend our daily and evening time, we had to stay in a closed space together.
First of all, she talks very loudly. And the main topic of her talks is usually letting out emotions, ranting about something or discussing her celebrity crushes. She can talk on her own for hours, which we found slightly annoying. Not only because we're introverts and like quietness, but also because most of the conversations with her turned out not meaningful.
She seems to lack empathy and to hear only herself. One day, while the two of us were chatting, she asked me why I spoke so quietly, and I said it was because my spouse was having a work meeting call in the other room!
One night, she returned home from an event very late (or rather early in the morning) and I had to interrupt my sleep to let her in, although I was supposed to wake up for work in a few hours. Btw, we went to this event together, but only after it was finished did I learn that she intended to stay longer for an uncertain amount of time till she met the celebrity after the show, so I had to go home alone on the subway at midnight. And the fact that I was supposed to open the door whenever she came later was out of the question for her – it was not even discussed.
She has certain eating habits that are slightly different from my spouse's and mine so I had to accommodate this aspect as well and prepare the food that she could eat. But she never offered help in cooking or serving a meal. Instead, when we came from a walk, she asked if we could eat something, or during my work hours she asked if she could have another cup of coffee (=that is I have to take a break at work to grind and brew an extra cup of coffee because she needed more caffeine and because our coffee machine does only one portion at a time).
In terms of hygiene, she didn't care if she left crumbs wherever she ate, scattered pieces of decorations from her club outfit in the bathroom, or left oily drops from makeup stuff on the floor. I silently cleaned up after her because my spouse and I are sensitive to dirt.
When we were parting, she said she was sorry if she made us feel uncomfortable in any way. I replied all was good, it was nice to meet her, etc. because of course it was sentimental to part.
…
Now this friend is relocating to the country we're living in, and during her last visit she left a couple of things at our home, so I'm afraid she's going to ask if she may visit us again. I'd like to continue meeting her, but not at my home. Maybe it's my personality or maybe it comes with age but I started to value my comfort. When I said this to my spouse, he also confessed that her stay was unpleasant and that he was counting the days till she would leave.
My question is: how can I politely let her know that we don't want her to stay with us again? It's usually very hard for me to say "no" to people, especially to close people. However, after all this experience, I started thinking that we are not so compatible anymore.
P. S. Just so that you don't think that my spouse and I are two anti-social hermits: another friend of mine visited us just 3 weeks after the above-described events, and it was completely the opposite experience because the other girl turned out very tactful, careful, we had deep conversations all three of us, one day she even treated us with apple pancakes for breakfast and overall it did feel like staying with a friend 🙂
Thank you in advance for your advice.