My fiancé lets call her M and I have been
together for 2 years, she has been doing her best to be assimilated into my family and I appreciate her for that. She went to my other cousins wedding in a different state with my family when I wasn't able to go. I have been in training for the last 3 months and haven't been able to leave. So we have been long distance. Even with me not being there she has included herself and my family has welcomed her.
M has gotten very close with my mom's best friends daughter we'll call her A, she's 23. A is a good person at heart and her and my mom have a good relationship but A is very messy. She has a bad reputation amongst most of the parents because of her carefree attitude and bad behavior. She'll smoke weed infront of the parents, drink and over all not care what anyone says or thinks. (For clarity drinking is forbidden in my culture) though me and my fiancé both do, we just keep it hidden. A does not.
There has been a lot of tension building after M and A have gotten closer over the last couple months. Although A and my mom are close my mom asked my fiancé M not to get too close with her and keep her distance because she doesn't want A to be a negative influence on her. My fiancé took that very badly and basically said my mom can't choose her friends which I understand and I agree with but told her to just keep the peace.
Fast forward to the other night, I am still out of town and A tells my fiancé M that she's feeling frisky and wants to go to my cousins housewarming party in downtown. My fiancé initially came to me and said she doesn't wanna and I told her don't go if you don't want to. Then after she brought it up 4 more times after, it seems to me like she kinda wants to go with her so I said go for it and told her my younger cousin B who's 19 will be there too and it seems like it could be fun.
They go, everyone's drinking and having fun, my fiancé was texting me through out the night and around 2am she stopped. I told her I'd get her an Uber and she can go home and pick up her car tomorrow. I fall asleep and get no response from her other than a call at 4am after I had already fallen asleep. I don't hear from my fiancé until 2pm the next day. She tells me her and my cousin K who's 24 got into it and she was disrespected. Basically A hooked up with a guy and went downstairs near a room one of K's roommates didn't want her to go into and he lost it his shit on A. My fiancé M stood up for her and they were both ultimately told to get the fuck out by my cousin K and his roommate.
My fiancé called me and told me what happened and that she cried. So I apologized on his behalf to my fiancé and called my cousin K to find out what happened. He told me it was all a misunderstanding that blew up because everyone was drunk. He said he'd call my fiancé and make everything alright between them.
When I got back on the phone with my fiancé I told her I talked to him and she should expect a phone call today. I then told her she needs to use better judgment and not go out and party with her friend who's wants to get "frisky" I told her she's too old for this type of stuff and if she wanted to go then go for a little to show face and then leave? My fiancé has a tendency to overstay and not know when to leave. Her response was she didn't expect it to be like that since it was a housewarming party and she didn't do anything wrong. I brought that up to her and said A is dragging you to this stuff and to honestly reconsider her friendship with her bc it's not worth the drama. She still doesn't care how her friendship with A affects our relationship and my relationship with my parents. She also thinks it's hypocritical that A gets judged for all the stuff she does when we do it too. I explained to her it's because we have established a decent reputation and A has not. My fiancé thinks that's all bullshit and unfair to A since we all do the same but keep it under wraps.
That's when my fiancé lost it on me and said my family is all judgmental hypocritical and controlling and how dare we say anything to her about who she can be friends with. Also that I didn't stick up for her. I am at a loss right now because I considered her to be more level headed but she's stuck on being disrespected by my cousin, and now me and my whole family. She's threatening to end our engagement and that she wishes she knew how terrible we were before she got with me. There's only been one other time where my mom mentioned to her that wearing white for our wedding isn't something she wants and to wear a dif color, I stood up for her against my mom and even then it's still a topic that's brought up in every fight with me and M.
I told her that she is basically choosing her friendship with A over our relationship and that's fucked up. Idk what to do and it's all blown way too far out of proportion. Do I just let her go? I don't want to be a controlling person but I don't want to lose her either. What should I do?
TL;DR: my fiancé wants to choose her friendship over our relationship and thinks my family isn't worth the trouble, I still want it to work out