One of my biggest challenges in life right now is dealing with how little people really care. I've always been aware of this fact, but ever since I've been in my 30s, it has hit me harder than anything else at this point in my life. In your 20s, I feel like yeah, people make it obvious they don't care, but just because you're young, you still get a bit of leeway or interest just based on your youth alone in some instances.
I feel like once you hit your 30s, people just look at you as either a success or failure. Everything about your life is a question. Why don't you have any friends? Why don't you have kids? Why don't you have a house? Why do you still do xyz, or why don't you do xyz? When people look at me, they don't see some kid who'll figure it out anymore. They see a loser, a reject, a failure.
I spent a good portion of my life trying to survive and keep my head above water. Because of that, I never got to develop a legitimate social life. I live in a crappy one bedroom apartment with a ten year old car. I'm not into things most other men at 33 are typically into. I don't have any close friends or family. I just feel completely ignored and rejected by society. Anyone I have ever tried to interact with just sees me as that weird man, no matter what I say or do to try and change that. I'm not respected as a man.
I just want to know how other men deal with this feeling of insignificance and how to not be completely consumed by it.
35 comments
Just accept it and move on. We are all insignificant in the grand scheme of things.
I revel in it.
Nobody will actually care if I’m dead. And the few people that do will die one day anyway.
I’ll never make a difference in the world, so why worry if I do or not?
Shit just enjoy the life you have. Don’t live someone else’s life thinking that’s what needs to happen. Everyone (not literally) is so focused on hustling and all.. they forget that there’s a whole world out there to spend time in and admire. Everyone’s going to die one day anyways (as others have said in here) so why worry about it and just enjoy what you do have, not what you don’t have.
i like it.
nothing realy matters – except that i am happy and dont hurt others.
I see a lot of posts like this here, but honestly I think you’re asking the wrong question.
Figure out what the life you want to live looks like and work towards achieving that. You can’t change what other people think or how they view you, but that doesn’t mean that you have to accept a situation you personally are unhappy with.
Are you not significant to yourself?
Insignificant, the n the grand scheme of things? Absolutely, but you’re here so just do your best to live your best life. As for “people not really caring” I see it more as “people care as much as they can, which is better than nothing.”
Figuring out that you’re just a little blip on life’s radar, and hardly one at that, can be scary at first but I think there’s a lot of empowerment in it. A lot of the stress people carry around day to day stems from the perceived pressure to be unrealistically significant and it’s more often than not a fool’s errand. Ironically, its chasing after this sort of significance that makes people actually miss out on life or the opportunity to take on significance with people you actually have a chance at becoming significant to (friends, family, workmates, etc.,) Your insignificance is what frees you up to do the things you’d want to do if nothing mattered because at its core…that is what is most probable. Paradoxically, this is what enables you to be your best self and your best self is the one that is most likely to make an impact somehow, someway. And even if that impact is never made, well at least you lived a life you wanted to live and you were a part of a crazy, beautiful process that was bigger than anything you could ever conceive…which is pretty significant if you ask me.
top answer so far is: Just accept it and move on
or change it.
YOu can’t wave a magic wand and make a social life or a career, but over time you can do both.
The key is to enjoy the journey rather than pursue the goal. The goal is always an anticlimax anyway, no matter what it is. The journey has its ups and downs but its meaningful .
So, maybe start by just taking one evening coure, learn something new, meet new people. Once you start moving, just keep on going. You will be in a very different place five years from now. Crucially though, you’ll have had five productive years, with setbacks and bad moments for sure, but. you’ll be on a journey to somewhere, doesn’t ev en matter to where
I don’t care about how significant I am. I try to kill ego wherever possible. We’re all grains of sand on a beach, all insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Why do you care what other people think? Are they that important? Not a philosopher, but stoicism, Buddhism, Taoism might help you appreciate what’s important in life and what isn’t.
I just try not to think of it by doing other stuff that distracts me. Plus, everyone is insignificant at the end of the day even if they’re some big celebrity or scientist that cured something. We all die.
Uh, no one asks me the questions you say you get asked all the time. Maybe you need to cut those people out of your life. Do you have a very achievement oriented family/close culture?
But also, you have no idea what someone is thinking so stop saying stuff like “When people look at me, they don’t see some kid who’ll figure it out anymore. They see a loser, a reject, a failure.” You’re delusional, which might sound harsh, but it’s actually great because you can stop feeding the delusions if you choose. You. Do. Not. Know. What. People. Think.
There’s a couple different ways you can take this, if you’re happy with your life as it is, what the other people say is not going to matter that much in which case you can just embrace that, if you’re not happy with where your life is, change the narrative.
>I feel like once you hit your 30s, people just look at you as either a success or failure.
This isn’t true. Most people are busy with their own stuff. Sounds like you feel like a failure and are externalising it a bit.
>I spent a good portion of my life trying to survive and keep my head above water. Because of that, I never got to develop a legitimate social life.
I don’t see how these are too related? In my experience poor people have deeper social lives because it’s all they have. Was something else going on that kept you from socialising?
>I’m not into things most other men at 33 are typically into.
What are you into? Guaranteed there are social groups out there for it. Why haven’t you sought them out? Also it’s a minor point, but why are you specifically bothered about a lack of *male* company, instead of friends in general?
This isn’t actionable advice, this is just how I personally feel related to the topic. I’m just resigned to it, or yeah, consumed by it. Then again, because of mental health issues I never expected anything different. As a kid I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to amount to anything and that I would be a failure and a loser, and twenty years later here I am, a failure and a loser. It’s an awful feeling, and I’m sorry you’re dealing with it.
You eventually stop caring about what other people think.
The only thing that matters is whether or not you’re happy with what you’ve got.
If you are, then it doesn’t matter what other people think. Just enjoy it.
And if you aren’t, it also doesn’t matter what other people think. Be happy because you want to live a good life, not because you want other people to think you’re living a good life. The world is full of miserable people who others think highly of.
If nothing we do matters then the only thing that matters is what we choose to do.
I think it’s time to ask yourself all those questions you listed. Do you even want those things? If so, what are you doing to obtain those? You don’t sound content with your life, so what do you need to be content? You gotta respect yourself before you can command it from other people, and it doesn’t sound like you do. Get to work on that and your relationship with yourself and you’d be amazed at the response you get from the world. Good luck bro. I’ve been there and things are better now.
I find it liberating. I can’t really do a major wrong or break anything that isn’t already broken.
Not mattering in the world should be very freeing: you only need to worry about your own happiness. You only worry about others to the extent that their actions can impact your happiness, in other words when you want something from them whether money (as in your boss), company (from a friend), romance/sex (from a partner).
If you feel lonely, try to find a group of people who are like you and will accept you. All sort of eccentric folks find communities. Maybe join a hobby (volleyball? chess? church?) with a community.
Here’s a hint: the person judging you is you. You were the one who gave yourself leeway in your 20s. You are the one who is judging you when you don’t like the way other people react to you. You’re the one who isn’t connecting with other 30-something people who are onto the stuff you are onto because you’re judging it as “not normal”.
What it sounds like you’re dealing with isn’t that you’re not a big deal to other people. It sounds to me like you’re having a problem because you’re not a big deal to yourself.
It would be great if you’d accept yourself as who you are and what you’re doing with your life. Everybody’s path is different. You do not what you can. Nobody has control over where they started and, in reality, it’s usually only very lucky people who think they are the maim reason they’re “successful”.
Don’t compare your blooper reel against other people’s highlight reel.
I wake up and grind every day for my dreams and thats all the purpose I need
For everyone it’s different. My wife wants me to be around her all the time and right now my kid smiles just about every time he sees me. That’s all I need.
I feel like this might be something you’re putting on yourself.
People are busy with their own lives. I don’t think they’re really taking the time to judge a guy like that.
You should do things for yourself. And your experiences matter to you and that’s what’s important whether that’s winning an award or just going for a walk in the park.
It’s better than the alternative
Relish it. Outsourcing your sense of self worth to others is a sure fire way to wind up dejected and depressed. Also the scrutiny that lands on socially defined “successful” people looks positively crushing. I wonder how many of the girls I went to school with who idolised Britney Spears would want to trade places with her in the long run. Extreme example I know, but honestly there’s a joy in just floating through life enjoying what you want without anyone paying much attention to you.
I’ve built shit that’ll be around for decades after I’m gone but even if I didn’t I wouldn’t care. The only thing that really matters is living your life the way you want and being content with it.
When people ask me those questions I just ask them why they did all that stuff instead of why I didn’t. Usually don’t get much of an answer or them asking again.
For the record I didn’t go to university, didn’t get married until I was almost 30, no kids, no lifelong career planned, and I travel for work so I’ve seen a lot of places while making six figures doing it.
I have no real responsibilities to anyone, I go and do whatever I feel like and I love it. Wouldn’t trade it for anything a regular nuclear family life could offer.
I know the general advice is ”you do you!” and ”don’t compare to others!”, but personally I’ve found that those are way beyond my ability to cope. It’s human nature to keep track of what everyone else is doing.
What actually helps me feel happy and at peace is… being ahead of others. Or at least keep pace. I’m decently wealthy, I have a great wife, 2 kids I love, I have a career, and I’m in great shape. That’s what keeps me anxiety-free.
So my terrible not-really-applicable advice would be: be less insignificant and the feeling will go away.
Spending less time online, and more time making connections with people/joining smaller communities.
I stay grounded in the fact that it’s an extraordinary set of circumstances that I exist in the first place, while at the same time everything is completely irrelevant in the scope of all time and distance. And everyone you’ve ever known or will know functions under these circumstances whether they care to acknowledge it or not. We are all just here – comparisons are human nature, of course, but are less valuable than farting.
You ain’t shit…And that’s ok.
Realize that everyone else is just as insignificant as me. Even if they think they’re the shit.
You are enough. Read that. Hear that. Feel that deep in your soul. You are enough.
Your post is full of self-criticism, unmet expectations and disappointment. These are issues to talk to a counselor about. You have no reason to judge yourself or anticipate the projections of others. You are heaping shit on your own head over things that you don’t even know exist. Stop it. You are enough.
By realizing that none of this matters. Your life (and everyone else’s) occurs on a speck of a planet that has no significance to anything in the long run.
Here’s a famous bit from Pale Blue Dot, written by Carl Sagan on the topic of a famous picture taken of Earth from 6 million kilometers away by Voyager 1:
>From this distant vantage point, the Earth might not seem of any particular interest. But for us, it’s different. Consider again that dot. That’s here. That’s home. That’s us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every “superstar,” every “supreme leader,” every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there – on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.
>The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that, in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner, how frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds.
>Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the Universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.
We exist as individuals for a laughably minuscule amount of time, and this quote helps me keep that into perspective. No one owes us anything, no one is coming to save us. You’re just given a certain amount of time to enjoy life in the best way you can, and your only obligation is to do exactly that.
Maybe my nihilistic view isn’t the best for everyone, but it works for me mostly lol.
> Everything about your life is a question. Why don’t you have any friends? Why don’t you have kids? Why don’t you have a house? Why do you still do xyz, or why don’t you do xyz? When people look at me, they don’t see some kid who’ll figure it out anymore. They see a loser, a reject, a failure.
“I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.” – Bruce Lee
Do things for yourself, not for others. I’m not saying “go unleash all your inner desires and ignore all your responsibilities to yourself/your family in pursuit of them”, but just learn to say no more than you say yes.