Yesterday my husband and I had a pretty deep talk. I had our baby 4 weeks ago, and my PPD has been really bad. I stopped taking care of myself, and just isolate myself and the baby in our room, while he's left to take care of our other kids. He said he was mentally drained trying to make sure I stay happy. But ive tried explaining how I've been feeling, and whether I feel happy or not, comes from myself, I don't want him stressing about trying to take care of me emotionally when my emotional state has been in shambles. I acknowledged that he's been feeling alone, but I feel alone as well..but he just told me I'm being self centered and how I don't care about how he's feeling.. I didn't know how he was feeling, or that I neglected our relationship and my wifely duties, even before baby was born (had prenatal depression). But if he would have talked to me about how he was really feeling, we could have worked on it. Everything that he took issue with, I tried to explain my reasoning the best I could. I even opened up about feeling suicidal sometimes because of my PPD.. he said if I did to just sign our baby completely over to him first (hurtful because coming off it sounds like he doesn't care if I'm here or not). Then he opened up a little bit about feeling like a failure as a man, that his wife is feeling so low. But I assured him it didn't have anything to do with him.. we kind of just ended the conversation there..
Now today, he's sleeping since he stayed up with the baby. I wanted to take a shower (I've struggled with this form of hygiene and will go a few days without). I grabbed baby's bouncer and stuck it in the bathroom with her, so I can keep an eye on her while I shower. I get out, my sister (we rent a big apartment together) asks if I'm dressed and if she can see baby for a sec before going to work. After she left, my husband was up and asked if I took a shower. I said yeah. And he told me I just took one yesterday. I did not. I bathed the baby yesterday. He asks why there's 2 towels in the bathroom then. I showered a couple days ago and left my towel in there. Other towel is babys. Then he asked if my sister had her while I was showering. I said no, she came home from workvto grab something and then said hey and left. He didn't believe me because he "heard her leave". I said yes, she just left after she came to grab something on her lunch break. He said whatever, went back to bed but I could hear him mumbling about how he's "so done" and that I'm lying..
Like… I don't get it. I feel like trying to even take care of my hygiene, and routinely shower again I'm interrogated. Then told I'm being a liar over something so dumb. I can feel my depression making it's way back up now, so I'm just laying on the couch staring at the window now while baby naps. I feel like he takes issue with my depression, but if I try to take the steps to help get better, he just knocks me back down a peg.. I don't know what to do