TL;DR : I met a girl on a dating app but she had a boyfriend. We still felt attracted but i didn't come it because i refuse to be in a cheating situation. I finally "gave up" because i though she wasn't interested and then got into another serious relationship, but i became more close with the first girl and my current relationship was going down and down every month. She end up telling me after we both broke up in our respective relationship "I felt attracted but everything is dead between you and me, sorry". Today i can't accept it and cry about it.
I (23m) met her february 2022. She (Jane (for the story), 21f) was already in a relationship by the time we met in a dating app. I'm a really open guy that is NEVER judging people until i know every part of each stories. So we talked for a month and i felt attracted, a lot. But despite her giving me signs for me doing something, i told her that i refuse categoricaly to drag her into something with me because i respect the guy that is with her and is trying the sh*t out of him to keep the boat alive, and i know the feeling of a girl who cheat on you.
Then after a month, i met another girl ( Penny (fake name), 30f ) and at first it was just fun. But after only a week, it was more serious, and i really though it was done with Jane. We kept talking because she talked to me about her whole entire life, and i was a great support for her. But then as my relationship with Penny had up and downs, i became even closer from Jane. I finally, completely blind until then, understood that we were both attracted by each other. But i felt guilty, because i was with Penny, and i refused to let her down, and still, i loved her. I was "okay" with that situation but it became more and more frustrating because my current relationship was going down and down, and i was fighting for my relationship, even tho i just wanted Jane from the beginning. Still, my feelings for Penny were true, and i respected her way more than she did, but that's another story.
By December 2022, i broke up by myself with Penny, because she did something that was really not acceptable. I wanted to do it for month, but this was the last straw.
Call me evil, but i immediatly told Jane what happened, and found out she also left her boyfriend one week ago. And then .. Nothing happened. She responded once per week at my messages while i gave her answer within an hour everytime, if not instantly. Then we had a conversation, i was talking to her from discord, and she was messaging to be quiet, familly was sleeping around. She told me exactly "I felt attracted to you". My whole body felt these words when i read em. She talked in the past. It was over. But i coudn't believe it. She moved on. I didn't want to. But i had to. So i tried to be a little rude to her, rejecting her even while she was not really harrassing me, euphemism.
We had like 2 or 3 not even real conversation after that, noone of em ended well because i was angry, hurt, and coudn't accept it. I didn't crossed any line, but i just wanted to give her reason to reject me once for all, because i couldn't do it myself.
Today, it's been a whole year, and i spent the night behing completely tired, crying and hurted, listening to depressing musics for hours like a teenager, because even after a year, there is not a day without her in my head, i just love her more than i loved someone in my life, our personalities fit too much, and i truely like her for who she is, so i can't move on. I tried so hard, and got so far into the process of moving on, making friends, going outside street racing with random people in some unlived mountains, seeking for adrenaline. But i race with tears, everytime. And i'm scared of myself now, because it's too heavy.
I sent her a 6k caracters message on her discord after unblocking her (im the one who did it) by this morning. Still no answer, i need to read y'all opinions about it. Should i respectfully try again ? I've been honest in this message. Just asking her to consider it, and everything i told you here.
Any advice people ? Thanks you.