This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
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Well, I did it. I won the lottery.
It’s crazy how the right person changes how you feel about *yourself*. I never realized how much insecurity I was carting around. At some level, I think I’d accepted that the reason none of my potential partners worked out in the last couple years was because I didn’t deserve it – that I wasn’t good enough.
Then I found someone who makes me feel like I deserve it all, and I think I could literally conquer the world.
Don’t lose hope, my fellow dotters. There’s always the chance that you run into someone who changes your life on a random Sunday.
How do I navigate a ghoster that I see on a regular basis? I know he’s no longer interested (though was very handsy when I last saw him). I wasn’t on the hunt for anything long term and have been ghosted a lot (so it’s not particularly upsetting or a surprising) HOWEVER I’ve never been ghosted by someone I see on a regular basis and I’m not sure how to navigate that. All the people who have ghosted me don’t hang out in the same spaces or know anyone I know so it’s been easy to just let them disappear. Do I act like a stranger? Do I say hello/hug? Do I act like I wasn’t ghosted but make it clear I’m not interested in hot/cold behavior? (Is there even a point in confronting that behavior if I don’t care to continue anything?) I definitely plan on continuing to attend the thing (though I’ll be skipping a week because of the holiday) maybe it’ll be less awkward of an encounter after so much time has passed?
So, two things happened.
I missed to set a boundary and I feel horrible for it. I was out with some friends and one of them made an insulting comment on my appearance that I found inappropriate and mean. No one agreed with him (one just awkwardly said “… oof” and the other “nah, not really”). I just brushed it aside and didn’t say anything. I should have, right? Maybe no one respects me anymore if this keeps happening. I should have gotten aggressive or at least firm… I keep frustrating myself. If I want to properly date again I’d need to stand up for myself anytime, anywhere!
The other thing? An ex-colleague of mine invited me to the house he bought with his wife he recently married. And wow, did it break me. We’re the same age and he has a super happy marriage and a super-fancy HOUSE for just the two of them. Okay, it’s out in the sticks because they couldn’t have afforded it otherwise, but damn. It almost feels like a prospective partner for me would have to “date potential”… I don’t have my life entirely together like that.
Super smitten over the man I’ve been dating for the last 5 months. We’re official now. As someone who has an anxious attachment style as well as bpd. (I took 4 years to work on self regulating and hopefully defeating bpd.) I do sometimes get into my head that he isn’t into me like I am into him. But he continues to show up. He calls me ALL the time, which is a good reminder that he does like me. But I am feeling drained by it at certain times, however, I don’t mind as I can just sit and listen to him talk. I never want him to feel like I don’t want him to reach out to me. He travels a lot for work and I have not once felt anxious if he doesn’t text me throughout the day because his communication is just so good. I think this just goes to prove that avoidant attachment people, such as my ex, can be an influence on your behavior. I’ve literally never felt more secure in a relationship.
Curious to get some internet opinions on this topic. Surprisingly, my friends are split.
If you were dating someone for a couple months but not yet BF/GF, and they tell you they’re not dating or sleeping with anyone else each time the topic is brought up, would you consider it cheating if you found out they were lying? FWIW both people declared intent for a LTR, not casual dating.
[update / just chatting/ lengthy] OK, so I went on the date with the tech engineer this past Saturday.
Brief recap: he hasn’t had a relationship before, he’s been on plenty of dates from the app though but expressed he’s had a hard time clicking, he’s a bit self-serious and literal (which I think just comes along with the territory of the job he’s in, but I digress). After a week of chatting I asked him out, he agreed, but made a big deal about driving 30 mins to a place in between our cities, whereas the place was 50 mins from me. Miffed about this, I met him anyway at a place that was a little closer to him, on the thought that, I was going to get to the bottom of his personality… because I suppose since he’s never been in a real relationship he doesn’t know too much about compromise, and because his “world is small” (he’s introverted, has friends and hobbies all within 15-20 mins of him) … anything outside of that seems far.
Anyway, the date: surprisingly, the date goes very well. But because I’m annoyed about several things, I keep my expectations low. He makes good conversation (and despite being miffed I’m not an asshole), asks good questions. But I think he’s a small splash spectrum-y (which is fine). Because kind of like I clocked during our conversations, he has a little sense of humor, but he downplays his accomplishments a lot, and himself. But he’s also extremely technical. When I ask him about his job, he deep dives into the world of binary codes and nano technology and stuff (things I don’t understand but he makes it a point to make relatable analogies which was admittedly kinda cute). But something funny that happened (and I think the woman the next table over could hear us arguing because she was laughing).
So this is how technical he is: I had asked if he traveled before and he was like, “I’ve only been to China because that’s where my grandparents are from so we visited them.” … later in our conversation I ask him a question that reveals he has been on a cruise more recently … so I say, “that’s traveling! You went on a cruise.”
Him: “that’s not traveling, I only got off the boat once.”
Me: “were you just stationed at the same dock or did the boat move forward to a new location?”
Him: *lightly annoyed* “no it moved!”
Me: “and where did it go?”
Him: *begrudgingly* “to Mexico”
Me: “And do you live in Mexico or California” (the lady at the table next to us laughs)
Him: *sighs in defeat* “but I don’t count that as traveling I was on a boat the majority of the time.”
Me: “But the boat moved forward in a direction, that’s traveling.”
Anyway, so… that was a wild time 😂 we also argued about something else that was really technical. During the date I learn about these girls he was seeing from the apps because he tells me that, it’s been really nice being able to chat in full about his hobbies as the girls he’s been matching with don’t play video games or know what anime is and blah blah blah. He said most of the girls talk about going to the gym and shopping, so he hasn’t had a chance to really dive deep into his own passions, so he really digs that I know what he’s talking about because I’m also a gamer.
So the date goes for a total of 2hrs because I like an exit strategy. Because I put in the effort of asking for the first date and choosing the location… I tell myself, I’m going to let him make the next moves I’m not going to do anything, because he does come across as passive, and that’s fine to an extent but if you’re too passive to ask for my number (we are still chatting on the app) and / or to ask me for a second date, then that’s too passive for me.
After the date, he says he had surprisingly a lot of fun, and he makes sure I got to my destination safely afterwards. I don’t think much of anything because I’m just like 🤷🏾♀️ from several things, but the date was overall a good one. I don’t expect to hear from him though since he never mentioned a second date. So, Saturday happens. Sunday I don’t hear from him — totally fine not expecting it. Monday (yesterday) happens — and he is messaging me early in the morning, that’s a surprise for me bc he’s never done morning messaging before, to ask how my weekend was. And he was really, chatty throughout the day.
So, I’m guessing? That’s interest? I have no idea. We are still chatting on the app, he has still not asked me on the second date. But he’s starting conversation. I’ll give him until Friday to ask me on a second date before I call it officially and just move him to the friendzone, I think.
Anyway! Sorry this is so long. ♥️
M30. How do I get better at flirting? I know physical touch and compliments are important, and neither of those comes naturally to me, so I would appreciate advice on either.
Physical touch: I’ve heard people say things like “touch her arm when it feels natural”, the issue is that it never feels natural – I’m used to keeping my hands to myself. On a first date I look for opportunities to initiate touch and don’t find any, but I’m certainly missing some. Are there any videos of what casual physical touch looks like in practice, between two people who aren’t dating? I don’t see people do this in real life except by accident.
Compliments: In theory I could give compliments in any situation, not just dating, but my brain doesn’t generate them unprompted. The only ones that come naturally are variants of “great job” when I see someone do something well, and variants of “you’re beautiful” which I deliberately surpress. Even when I’m deliberately trying to come up with compliments, I struggle; my therapist had me do an exercise a couple of times where I complimented two people each time I went grocery shopping, and I had trouble thinking of any (even discounting the inherent awkwardness of talking to a stranger while shopping). How can I think of compliments more often?
Anything else: Are there other things involved in flirting besides physical touch and compliments?
Venting:
I’m worn out. The apps have been a complete bust, and meeting people IRL has resulted in me becoming the “hey, is your friend single?” person.
My friends are being wonderfully supportive and cheering me on, telling me I’m beautiful and wonderful and kind…but am I, though? If I was, wouldn’t someone (emotionally healthy) have seen that by now?
I want to wake up from this horrible nightmare. I want to wake back up next to my ex and have everything be okay between us. It’s been two years and it’s been horrible especially dating.
Suppose you find out someone you’ve been seeing has a best friend of 10 years who is also an ex. How do you initially feel? What questions would you like to ask to clarify the situation? Is this a huge red flag for you? Is there any possible world in which this friendship is a completely healthy platonic relationship and you’ll all eventually become best friends forever?
If a woman says that she has her notifications off or that she doesn’t check the apps that often what she really means is that she’s not that interested I’m assuming?
Kind of worried. There is a girl I was dating that suddenly disappeared. Like her last two texts was two long paragraphs. We were in the midst of planning out another date. When I responded, my texts turned to green texts. I literally texted her back an hour later. I then texted her before bed and no response. When I called her, it would ring once and go to voicemail. I tried everything I could to try and get in touch with her in different ways, but couldn’t get in touch with her. I just wanted to make sure she was simply ok! It’s been about 11 days now and haven’t heard from her.
I know people would want to go with it being a ghosting situation but I’d be shocked if that’s the case. There was a sudden drop of communication in an otherwise fine back and forth since that morning. I also don’t see her as one to ghost me, instead of just having some sort of conversation about not wanting to pursue anything. I’ve been ghosted a few times but not in this way.
I’m going to let it go, as I’ve done what I can. She has family out here, so they would report if anything were to happen. I figured I wouldn’t go that far as I’m not her boyfriend or anything and idk where she lives. I’m just going to pray that she is ok. But this was strange, and It sucks that I may never know what happened.
Hoping that it’s just her phone got messed up and she lost my contact? Hopeful thinking I know lol.
I’ve been texting this guy for almost two months now. We live in different countries but have already gone out thrice. We even did it already 😆 Anyway, the texting is constant. Most of the time, if not all the time, he messages first. However, he still hasn’t initiated to exchange socials nor chat over the phone. He also has yet to tell me his last name! He already knows mine because it’s on my Telegram handle.
How should I open this to him?
Last week i invited a Girl to a date, to drink some Coffee or beer. She says yes to both, and she told me that this Tuesday she Will be in my City.
Yesterday, I wrote again to remind about the date, and she told me that she couldn’t this week, because she had a slight cold and wanted to take care herself.
Should i ask again, next week, for a date?
Is it weird to shoot your shot over an Instagram DM, not necessarily to date but even just to say “hey remember me let’s hang out and be friends”, with someone you haven’t spoken to in 10+ years?
Someone I was sort of friends with freshman year in college lives in my city, I’m recently single after a very long relationship and all my existing friends are in relationships, so I’m trying to find some single people to hang out with, whether it’s in a dating context or not.
This weekend someone I’ve followed on socials slid into my Twitter DMs (actually not the first time we have DMd). The conversation evolved and I asked him about something and he gave a short answer and then said “It’s the kind of thing that’s better explained over coffee”. So then I responded adding, ..”And let me know if you ever wanna go get that coffee”. And basically he was like “yep!” and I gave him my number and now we are going to meet for ice cream tonight (because who drinks coffee at night).. So anyways, THIS IS A DATE, right? Like I can safely assume this is a date?
I was at a mini-conference over the weekend (not a work thing) and spent time with a guy who I kind of became friends with last time I went to this conference 2 years ago. We were sporadically in touch since then and he was good about spending time with me/including me in stuff this time.
We all went out to a bar on the last night but I left before him because I was feeling really drained, but I’m also kicking myself because what if something could have happened while we were at the bar, etc, etc. Part of me feels like I have to do every single thing right in order to make things happen and I fumbled this. I have to remind myself that he wasn’t actually showing anything beyond friendly interest, is pretty friendly with everyone and he could have followed up more directly if he also felt like there was a missed opportunity.
I used to be emotionally unavailable after a breakup from a LTR and was casually seeing this guy. Then I worked on that (being emotionally unavailable is really not the type of person I want to be). So I started feeling things again. Anyway, I stopped seeing that person because he was all over the place (I can’t blame in for that, I was too) and I felt like a connection could grow and I didn’t want to be in that mess.
Anyway, he came back telling me asking me to see him for drinks. I am really conflicted, last time I checked he was clearly not ready for anything more than a fling. But at the same time, I am intrigued. Should I go for it ?
Up until Sunday my dating life lately had been amazing. Been dating a great guy for a little over a month and seeing him again this afternoon. We’ve been talking about taking a trip together, getting more comfortable around each other and opening up slowly but steadily. I actually feel, for the first time in years, this could go the distance.
Right now? I’ve been crying a lot in the last 48 hours. He broke it off because he has, in his words, too many traumas from his last relationship he needs to deal with and work on that has crushed his self-confidence and made it that he doesn’t have joy in things he had that in before, while still telling me he thinks I’m amazing, he always looks forward to seeing me and has a great time together. He said he had a hard time deciding this because he likes me and the time we spend together. He literally stated he doesn’t want to be a bother to me and drag me down in a relationship. I’ve never had these feelings I have for anyone in just a month, but I do for him. I’m mainly extremely confused about it all. I fully want to give him the space he needs for his own journey, I just can’t help but feel this is a huge 180 compared to how we’ve been going and I really want to be there for him. He hadn’t told me in depth about these struggles before, to me it just feels like he’s taking away the option of still going through his journey while having support and (while commucating about it) at least trying this thing together. After talking to my own therapist I decided there’s some information I’m missing and questions I need to ask before I’m able to let this go. We’re meeting later this week to talk and all my written down thoughts and questions are slowly becoming enough to write an essay on the matter.
On Hinge, once you unmatch, does the conversation go away?
I’d like to tell someone I’m no longer interested but do I have to wait until he sees the message before I unmatch? 🤔
These past couple of weeks I’ve been burying myself in overtime at work. It’s prime vacation season right now, which means there’s tons of opportunities for extra shifts if you’re looking for it. I actually don’t book my vacation anywhere near the summer just so I can scoop up all that extra cash. But I have to be honest…coming out of the long weekend…I’m starting to feel burnt out…So even though I do have some more overtime set for this week, I’ve decided that I’m going to also make time to take myself out on some dates.
Today I’ll be taking out my younger brother out for a pre-birthday brunch since I’ll sadly be working on his actual birthday tomorrow. I also bought myself a movie ticket for a screening of “Day of the Dead” playing at a local small movie theater in my city for this Saturday. And I’m also thinking about booking myself for a tattoo! Dating yourself can be quite nice and I’m looking forward to just having a little bit of fun and relaxing a bit for a change.
Been wondering how many centuries it will take before people look back at this period’s culture of dating as a strange, dysfunctional social technology.
It looks like I may be getting married either by the end of this year or so.
My ex and I reconciled. He got on his knees and asked me to be his forever partner with a ring. He will be redoing the whole proposal though, so yeah this will be interesting to see how he thinks I’ve envisioned this. He wants us to work through everything together and get premarital counseling as well.
2024 has been one heck of a year. 😭
A question I perpetually have: is everyone else out there having sex with people they’re simply not into/not attracted to? Because finding mutual attraction feels so ridiculously hard and I am very touch/intimacy starved and at some point I’m like… am I supposed to just be having sex with anyone who is up for it? Like I know myself enough at this point that I know I will not be truly happy about a one night stand or hookup — NOT because I have issues w/ casual things, but mainly because I’m attracted to people 95% based on personality and if I’m into their personality then I probably am excited enough to want to date them. Like these things aren’t really that separated for me – if I want to have sex with them then I probably am into them on a deeper level as well. But it’s frustrating because it feels like my bar is so high and I’m so tired of waiting, but I am trying to lower my own internal bar and feel comfortable with more people/not need so much attraction and it simply is not working.
Manager called this morning and told me that I got promoted (without asking). Feeling pretty great about that!!
Also got a free companion air fare yesterday, kind of cool.
Idk about others but good news is the main thing that makes me feel down about being single. That lack of someone to share with. I did tell me kids and brother, etc. but it’s not the same. Anyways, probably get Costco hotdog tonight to celebrate in style.
I’ve been in this book club that meets monthly and there is a woman who i like talking to and seeing – but she seems a bit more on the introverted/shy side.
I’m not sure if i can interpret the mixed signals correctly to see if she wants to keep as-is, be better friends, or if there’s some romantic inclinations.
i’m also a bit afraid of flirting or asking her out and making her feel like exhausted having to be like, ugh i have to see him again…
Not sure what to do here
After another bout of back and forth messages with a woman before she read my profile and realized I want kids and she doesn’t (my profile mentions kids multiple times since this has happened before) I’m trying a new tactic of only liking women who affirmatively say “wants kids”. Which has lead me to realize that is a much smaller pool than I expected. Of course I’m potentially missing out on the open to kids, unsure, or undisclosed crowd but I reckon if you don’t actively want kids we have a very different vision of the future anyways and likely a wildly different expectation of what the goal and timeline of a relationship is.
It’s gone from me being interested in messaging, to him flat out asking me out! We have a date on Friday. Whoop whoop. Then I realised I had been thinking about him yesterday and relooking at his OLD profile….This may have escalated to slightly intrigued. Steady on…
I accidentally posted on the old thread which was locked, so here goes.
I got dumped by text after finally having sex with a guy I was seeing for months. He was so into me and exuberant at the beginning. Texted me nonstop, told me repeatedly how much he liked me, kept a toothbrush for me at his apartment, and talked about all these future plans.
He started pulling back and bailed on a date claiming he had COVID about a week or two after we were intimate. I now think he lied about being sick to get out of plans because he started distancing himself right around then. I asked him about the change and he ignored it. We kept talking, but the enthusiasm was gone.
This past week he had been staying up later, but not because he was talking to me, so, I knew something was up. I think he met someone else. Yet, he kept calling me pet names and telling me how much he was going to miss me when he was out of town for a wedding. He even said he would bring me as his date if he could and joked about our future wedding. He texted throughout the weekend, but it was pretty low effort albeit flirty.
I called him on Sunday to catch up, but he ignored my call claiming he was “traveling.” I now realize this was a lie because his texts hadn’t gone through that morning for a few hours which pointed to him already having flown back. He told me he’d “touch base later.” Then, kept me waiting for 8 hours. He told me bluntly he was too tired to talk, but wanted to “touch base on a few things tomorrow” which left me with major anxiety. I asked if everything was okay and he claimed it was, using my pet name again.
Cue to yesterday, he said he was going to reach out in the morning and he didn’t. I called and he ignored it claiming he was in a meeting, but that he could text. He didn’t text me back. I ask again what’s up, mention it seems like he is avoiding something, and he again leaves me waiting for 13+ hours despite being active on Facebook and uploading photos all day.
At 10 pm, he finally texts and proceeds to tell me that I was right about previously calling him out about the shift between us and how it was cooling down. He gave some typical HR bs about how I’m so great, but he’s not in a place for romance. I hadn’t seen him in almost a month and the last time I saw him we had sex for the first time. I have known this guy for almost 15 years and he literally just led me on and lied to get sex from me. I feel so used and icky. He also knows I’m going through a hard time and spiraling before this breakup, as my dog just died and I’m studying for the Bar Exam. I’m so upset and have more trust issues than ever now. I told him off, but it didn’t help me feel any better and he didn’t respond. I just can’t believe I got duped again. 🙁
Walking back to my car today from the store, and was catcalled by three teenagers as they drove past! The one stuck his head out the window (and BTW, he struck an uncanny resemblance to McLovin from Superbad) and proceeded to shout “Nice ass!!”
This was met by a loud and prolonged honk of the horn by the driver, who looked about 12, as they sped off down the road, no doubt laughing their little heads off.
I did actually just laugh to myself, to be honest. Not QUITE the attention i was looking for when I said I wanted to maybe catch someones eye, IRL. 😂
Treading into completely unfamiliar territory and can use some quick advice! About a year ago, I (35F) started engaging with a FWB (34M) who was upfront that he identifies as polyamorous and is not interested in exclusive relationships (I do not identify as poly). We go on dates and vacations, sleep together, and text/communicate frequently–but he has expressed that he does not see me as a romantic partner and probably never will as he’s never felt a “spark” between us. This arrangement has been mostly fine for me as I’m getting companionship on a level compatible with my current schedule/lifestyle.
He dates/talks to other people and encourages me to do the same (we have established rules about safe sex, etc.). Because of my aforementioned schedule, this hasn’t been something I’ve been motivated to do. However, I recently met someone (40M) who asked me out for coffee. I thought it would be a harmless social activity, but this guy is very interested in me and I’m admittedly charmed by him.
My FWB says that, before things go further, I need to be transparent with the coffee date guy and let him know I’m involved in a poly situation (this seems to be a staple rule of ethical non-monogamy), otherwise I’m leading him on. My (non-poly) friends all disagree and say I don’t owe the coffee date guy an explanation of my dating situation unless things get serious and I need to make a decision. I can see both arguments–but thought it would be best to ask here and see if I can get some other responses?
I am just feeling really awesome about myself and life right now. I have amazing new connections with two men … both open, kind, sweet, curious, clear-spoken about themselves and what they want. I’m out of town for a bit and excited to see them when I get back and hopefully start something official with one of them.