honestly, i feel ridiculous posting this. i love my partner. he is a great guy — very loving and caring and attentive. maybe to his own detriment at times. it makes me sad to be here. but i am worried i guess. at times, especially when he drinks it’s like a different person comes out and im worried that maybe its an alcohol problem. we both are neurodivergent and suffer with mental health issues, (i am in therapy and sometimes we do couples sessions) but idk when he drinks, its like all problems come boiling up, he’s easily triggered into a spiral of angrily talking at me about all the things that are wrong. and he isn’t nice about it. like he starts to talk about money problems or issues with the house we own (its a billion years old and need so much work) or even my past. and he puts me down while doing it. he says things he’d never say sober but they are extremely hurtful and each time it stays with me longer.
i’m sure other people know this scenario. i’m curious about your experiences and how you dealt with this type of partner/behavior. i don’t want to spend the rest of my life like this, but i love him and i know he loves
me—although i fear that this reality is getting buried each time he does this.
we’ve been together for two years, engaged for three
months.
4 comments
We he’s sober, say the most hurtful things you can possibly think of that push him to the point of breaking, and then tell him that’s how you feel when he’s drunk and says hurtful things to you
He should not drink, he should stop drinking
But normally when a person is drunk they show raw emotions so this is a major deal imo
Go to another couples counseling session and voice your feelings there and if u both can find a solution then continue with your engagement otherwise don’t
You can’t start with “he is a great guy” then detail what you detailed.
This is importance to grasp because continuing to frame him as a great guy can have you making excuses for things that are inexcusable.
There should be minimum standard of respect in the way partners talk to each other. Personally I think this is particularly important and often unsaid.
Drink or no drink, it’s about his framing of you. Would he talk to his boss like that drunk? His mother, father, sister, whatever? So why, in his mind, is it acceptable to talk to you that way?
I am so sorry for you.
Your only chance: record it and play it to him, when he is completely sober and in a good, attentive mood. Tell him, you have a problem and show/play it to him. Don’t hide your emotions, show him what this does to you in that moment.
If he doesn’t realize how bad it is, then please, don’t marry him.
If he reacts angry or tells you that it isn’t so bad or else, leave him on the spot.
If he is shocked and willing to work on his problem, you could give it a try. But – it is a hard road.