My (33F) bf (40M) and I were talking the other day a few weeks ago and I mentioned a video I saw where a group of kids threw soft pretzels over the stall doors at a couple having sex in the public restroom at a beach. My boyfriend asked me if I had ever had sex in a public place and I said yes. I asked him and he not only said yes, but went on to explain that he had sex in a pool behind a waterfall feature while there were people around. I looked down and all I could say in response was “wow, I didn’t know you could be adventurous.” And he replied that he use to be.
I felt like I had been punched in the gut after hearing that. Of course you don’t want to hear details about your partner’s previous encounters and picture them with someone else but that wasn’t what bothered me at all really. I just couldn’t help but think about how that was spontaneous, passionate and how he must have been so overcome with desire that he couldn’t wait to be alone with her, meanwhile he is not like that with me at all. Spontaneous, passionate and a desire for me are not phrases that I would use at all to describe our sex life or anything we have done so far.
Our sex life has had a lot of challenges from the start (ED, quick ejaculation, not being able to ejaculate, difficulty keeping aroused, low libido) and we have fallen into a routine when it comes to initiating sex and the act itself. It’s always after 10 pm, in the dark. If we’re at his house he might indicate he wants to by locking his dog out of the room. But usually I wait for him to face me when we lay down and if he does I wait for him to kiss me (I let him lead because I get turned down a lot because of our differences in sex drive). If he keeps kissing me then I know it might lead somewhere (sometimes it doesn’t because he no longer feels aroused so it’s so difficult to tell). He will touch me until I’m wet enough (if he’s actually and really horny he will touch me enough to make me cum) then it’s 3-5 minutes, maybe 7, of missionary and then I turn over and we cuddle for a bit until he turns away or let’s the dog back into the room. It’s usually 2-3 or more days between each encounter.
We have had sex a total of maybe 2 times during the day and it was nice because we did start and do things outside of our normal routine.
More recently we’ve started to have sex less and he has lost arousal while touching me or inside me. I’ve felt him change his mind while kissing me. I’ve seen him start then decide not to initiate. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about his pool story since he told me. It took me 2 weeks to stop hurting my own feelings over and over about it. But I am just so incredibly envious of his ex that she got to experience that amount of desire from him. The spontaneity and the passion….why can’t I elicit that from him?