I (25F) have a high libido but haven't had sex in a year cuz I'm scared of std's. Anyways, this dude wanted to be fwb's from a dating app so I told him I'd only be comfortable if the both of us got tested. He said that was perfectly fine and that he hasn't had sex in a year anyway so he knows he doesn't have anything but he can take one to make sure.
We chatted a bit more the next day (convo was pretty bland/boring, to be honest) and he hasn't replied back in a whole day now. I wonder if he would have still talked to me if I hadn't brought up getting tested? I've actually JUST gotten comfortable with the idea of giving a blowjob without an std test (I'd still like it for sex though) and I wish I could have at least done that with him. I haven't given oral in so long either! This sucks
Edit: Just got back on my phone and there's been so many supportive comments!! Thanks everyone 💗 It makes me feel better
37 comments
This isn’t the most relevant but I don’t super understand why lots of people (haven’t just heard it from you) will do oral without an std test but need it for PIV sex. Like, with sex at least you can use a condom. I know approximately zero people who use condoms for BJs or dental dams for oral on women.
Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Herpes, HPV, and Syphilis can be contracted by giving unprotected oral sex. Stick with your boundaries and get the test results before engaging.
Getting tested should be the norm, not the exception. See your Dr for a baseline test and then have a standing order for every 3 months or so – depending how active you are.
Yeah but why would you want to have sex with someone who would ghost you over a perfectly reasonable STD test request? Sounds like you held a very healthy boundary and it did exactly what it is meant to do!
It’s been a day.
It’s not worth being with ANY guy if you don’t know he’s clean.
If a guy will lose interest simply from making him be safe, he’s not going to be good in bed.
If he doesn’t care about your basic safety, do you really think he cares about your pleasure?
What matters more? Your boundaries or allowing others to break your boundaries so that you don’t get rejected?
Wanted to hop in here with a few things:
1. Its ok to have boundaries and if a guy hasn’t been tested in a year and has had multiple sexual partners that’s kind of a red flag.
2. Blood tests for HSV 1 and 2 are not very accurate. The problem is the virus can hide in the nerves until it’s activated, and then go dormant again. Repeated blood tests > one blood test, but it’s still not great, and the risk for false negatives and positives is high. The only good quality test is a swab test, where they swab a suspicious lesion
3. Condoms DON’T fully protect against HSV nor the bad HPV strains (cancer or warts), since the condoms don’t cover the gential area. To protect against most of the bad HPV strains you must have all 3 guardasil shots.
Not to scare you but I think you’re right to be worried about herpes, mainly for the social stigma. Something like 12% of the population has genital HSV, even though they might not have any symptoms. Condoms help some but not entirely, and there is no reliable test for HSV. While it’s not a problem to have it, the social stigma surrounding it (losing out on potential partners because of your status) is just not worth it.
Stick to your boundaries! Good luck!
Don’t regret it. You don’t even know him for one and 2, you might be dodging a bullet.
Just bc a mutual fwb agreement came about doesn’t mean it’s the right one. I’m sure there’s plenty of other guys who would be more than willing to get tested and be fwb. If they’re not down for a test then it’s ok that things don’t work out.
Also, like others have said there’s still plenty of stds you can get from just oral sooo you may want to keep that boundary of test before anything.
TLDR: you’re not missing out. You’ll find someone else that’s down and don’t do oral bc you think you’ll be safe from stds (can still get them from oral)
You’re reading into things and making assumptions
Maybe he doesn’t even know how to go about getting tested, or doesn’t have medical insurance, or something like that
There’s more explanations for this than you’re considering
Stick to your boundaries and request! I think asking for a STD test in this era is acceptable and should be taken seriously! I refuse to catch anything bcos I want to have hookups
Millions of people out there and you’re hung up on this dude? What was he incredibly attractive or something?
Your whole profile is STD’s
Really people don’t wanna do STD test? I thought guys were desperate to get laid. But damn!
You’re not asking the impossible , and it’s very legit , so if the guy didn’t like that it’s your biggest red flag just run , there’s plenty of good people out there .
STD testing is perfectly normal and should be considered routine in a healthy sexual life. You did not go out of bounds by starting off the conversation with STD testing.
I think you are smart to ask that and plus just cuz he hasn’t shown any symptoms doesn’t mean a thing. If somebody isn’t willing to do that, unless it’s very expensive to get done then I’d say you’re better off without them. Same thing with people who refuse to wear a condom. If they don’t want to wear one with you they didn’t wear it with other people and they are risky proposition.
Getting a disease sucks too so asking for someone to get tested before you’re intimate is exactly what you should do. You can’t take anyone you just met at their word. Him stepping back means he’s probably got something (bullet dodged). Never feel like you need dick that bad that you’re willing to throw your own health out the window.
You can use your hands. A good hand job is still a good handjob.. I have always had a high sex drive. And I get tested with full blood work every year and I have not had sex since 2002. Not by choice either.
“a whole day” o to be young again
Hey, don’t beat yourself up! Good for you for setting boundaries and voicing them. Trust me, five minutes of pleasure if not worth a lifetime of dealing with an STI/STD. Any person that doesn’t want to get an STI/STD check at the other persons request is a red flag 🚩🚩
For me personally, a year isn’t that long. I went 2 years once. Invest in some good toys if you really want some action.
Ngl looking at your post history you should probably just hookup with an ex I’ve seen like 4 different posts about this with different dudes (ages are different) over the last 2 months on your acc.
I fully support your testing boundary, because men beg to go without condoms very, very often, so the high risk is there.
DUDE. FUCK THAT SHIT. ALWAYS TEST.
look at how stupid you are. “OH NO. guy ghosted me for wanting to give me aids, im sad now” STFU
The only reason a guy would feel some kind of way about asking to get tested is that he has something or doesn’t care about STDs. I wouldn’t regret this at all. This is WHY you ask ppl to get tested in the first place.
umm no, this is better than giving him a blowjob and having herpes FOREVER.
STD tests are only as good as the trust you and your partner have. He might be negative today and then cheat tomorrow and give you something.
Trust me if he ghosted you, then he isn’t a reliable FWB partner. I had a situation where I was dating someone for 2 months and asked him to get tested. He kept forgetting to do so, so I ended things because it showed he didn’t care.
Much later on, I dated someone and a month into it, I asked that he get tested before we engage in any sexual activities. He went and got tested the next day.
Long story short, if he wanted to, he would. You’ll find someone else who is willing to follow the rules of being FWB with you.
Asking a man to get tested is such a brutal experience
Honestly don’t even trip. My ex girlfriend told me to get tested before we did anything and I did. She expressed her feelings about the whole thing and I would never be offended by it even if I know I’m clean and it’s someone I want to have sex with/ date. I would just want to get my result in so we can get the deed done lol. I’m all seriousness, it’s better to have proof than word of mouth. A friend of mine caught an std and apparently her partner didn’t know.
My man did not hesitate when I asked for his STD results
If getting tested was a deal breaker for him, you shouldn’t be fucking him any. Asking for people to get tested is a handy way to filter out irresponsible people that don’t deserve to be inside you.
Babe, no you’re not wrong. I’m in a similar boat, it’s been like 10 months w/o sex and I just want someone respectful and clean. I’m gonna continue without sex until someone can be that, and you should too. Your sexual health is important and it’s hella sketchy he would ghost for that reason.
‘I got comfortable with the idea of giving a blowjob without an std test’ you do know it’s still transferable to your mouth if he has it (symptoms). If they have cold sores and kiss someone with it (like it’s on their face and they kiss you, you’re likely to get the sores). I understand you’re horny but get the tests done. You’ll regret for being stupid or impulsively one mistake action.
I was dating this girl once and the mother of her best friend got infected with HIV and actually got aids as well (cheating btw) and that shit learned me real quick that there is no such thing as getting comfortable with unprotected (oral)sex.
Suggesting getting an STD test is a green flag imo.
HPV can be spread, and there’s no FDA approved oral test for it. You can develop oral cancer from some forms of HPV.
If someone ghosts you because you insist on testing, you don’t want to sleep with them anyway. That’s the trash taking itself out. Also, you can get stds from oral so don’t compromise your safety for a goon.