Okay, I am new to this whole asking reddit for advice thing, so keep that in mind. I am sorry if this is poorly written. Trigger warning: Homosexuality, check your hate at the door. Throwaway just in case. Here goes:
Okay, I have a divorced, broken family. My parents divorced in 2014 ish when I was 14. My mother moved on and met someone, as did my father. My father married a woman with 3 children, 2 boys ( One my age, one slightly younger who I will call Laken) and one girl (Grace.) Fake names of course. We grew up for a few (6?) years together before our parents divorced. I have stayed close with their family and have continued to grow with them even though they aren't blood relation. Sorry I am fuzzy on the times/dates, I have a previous history of drug abuse during that time and things are fuzzy. Anyhow, to the important stuff. While growing up I realized that I am in fact a homosexual, and fooled around with as many people as would let me at the time. One of them happened to be my slightly younger "step-brother", Laken. (Always consensual of course.) Ove the years we have continued to fool around here and there, but not often. I have realized that I am not one to do one night stands, as it rips me apart. I have a big heart, and always want more than just sex, which was only ever offered from him. For context I will be 25 this year, and Laken will be 22. He has had a girlfriend off and on over the years, his most recent being very steady, for about 2 years. I do not consider him to be related to me, really, as he was very distant growing up and we did not spend a ton of time together, (other than fooling around occasionally.) I am however, very close to Grace and consider her my sister as in best friends for life. He has been desperate for sex (and only sex, despite my desire for more) and I have resisted for about 2 years now as the thought of him being with his girlfriend for so long/steady bothered me. I just can't do that, I am not that person. So, this is how the situation has been up until now. Cat and mouse, me resisting his advances just to protect my own heart for the past 2 years. I haven't dated anyone or slept with anyone else. I find it difficult to date as most only ever want to hook-up nothing more. If I am to give my body to someone, how can I not give my heart/mind/soul at the same time?
My only true friend close to my age is Grace. She is the only one that I can turn to with relationship advice or even mention the word gay. My mother is my only other true friend (Pathetic ,I know.) and bless her, is very religious, and is uncomfortable with that side of myself. I came out to her many years ago, but have been terrified to even discuss anything relating to my love life with her since. Honestly, fucks me up a bit, but whatever. She loves me to death and would do anything for me. Anyways, on to the tea that you are desperately reading for.
After years of this cat and mouse game, he finally had quit prompting me for sex incessantly. It has been about 6 months since I had gotten one, until today. I answered out of a sudden bout of loneliness that has been plaguing me for the past few months. I have been reading a bunch of romance novels and have been feeling bitter and lonely. Anyhow, he beat around the bush and asked for another round like old times. I was finally feeling honest I guess and sort of refused. ( I usually leave him on read. (Horrible, I know.)) When he asked why, I told him how I felt. I told him that it usually means more to me than it does him, and that I cannot have meaningless sex with anyone anymore as it always ends up hurting me, and I catch feelings. Which is true. He responded with how we have known each other forever and that its okay if I have feelings. This confused and surprised me, honestly. I then said something along the lines of I cant just be used for pleasure when you want, and then not speak to me when you're bored of me, I need more than that. I added, I am not asking for a whole relationship, just maybe hit me up every once in a while to hang out and do something other than have sex. He said, that's what he wanted too. To hang out and sometimes do other things and take it slow.
This has sent me reeling, and now I am confused and hopeful and just I don't even know how to feel. I cannot speak about this with Grace yet because A, she is out of town on vacation. (Thank goodness?) and B, she has no idea what I did with Laken behind her back. I need to get this out to someone as it is too much for me to comprehend at this moment, and I need unbiased advice other than my own thoughts. I should add that I do not think this could go anywhere as how could I ever explain this to his mother or Grace, both of whom, I love dearly. Grace and her mother are amazing and accept me perfectly as I am, so I am sure that they would Laken as well if he had the courage to say something. But I can't imagine telling them about us, and how they would even begin to feel about that as this is a very taboo relationship if I am honest, even though I do not see it that way. It is also unclear at this moment if he is still dating his girlfriend, I am unsure how to handle that.
I am a sucker for hope and love and I finally give in a bit. I am scared to pursue this at all. I have a message waiting from him at this moment, I am putting it off as I need advice and a moment to breathe. Help me, please. Any advice is welcome, just check the judgement at the door. I don't need to hear it as I am sure it isn't anything I haven't told myself before. Also, if you made it this far, thank you, from one human being to another for taking the time to hear me.
TLDR: My "Straight" Step-brother and I have fooled around since we were kids. I have always wanted more, and have pulled away as the result of him having a girlfriend, being in the closet, and only wanting sex from me. After years of cat and mouse, it turns out he may want more. His sister is my best friend and his family has no idea, what do I do?