Hi Reddit, I’m new here but I’m needing some advice on my relationship and really looking for reassurance that I’m not losing my mind. Apologies in advance for how long this is-
My boyfriend (29M) and I (28F) have been dating for almost two years now and but for the past 8 months things have been extremely bad. Almost once a week the topic of us splitting up comes up.
He moved in almost a year ago and at the time things were already rocky because we had our differences but never arguments like we’ve had the last 8 months. After he moved in I went on a trip to visit my cousin and she asked if my boyfriend still followed his ex and I didn’t think much of it but I told her yes I think so and that was that. After our conversation I just had a weird feeling and when I came back from my trip I impulsively checked my boyfriends phone. I know that I shouldn’t have done that but what I found was that my boyfriend had slept with his ex 4 days before he asked me to be his girlfriend. Even though we weren’t in a relationship when he slept with her, we had already agreed to be exclusive and not see other people. After finding this out I was completely crushed and felt like our relationship had been built on a lie. When I confronted him about this he lied and said they had just kissed and it wasn’t until I continued to press him about it that he confessed he did sleep with her. I felt completely betrayed and lost all trust in him. He didn’t even allow me to be upset about this he essentially said either you get over this or we break up. To him he didn’t think he had done anything wrong because we weren’t officially boyfriend and girlfriend.
Once this happened everything he did I questioned, he always use to lie about little things and he would find it funny when I would ask are you lying? To this day he still does that and it drives me insane.
After this happened every little thing he did bothered me and our intimacy also depleted because I felt I couldn’t trust him with my body. Subconsciously I was creating so much resentment towards him as the months passed. Fast forward to today any time I bring something up he makes me feel like I’m crazy, and when I get worked up he’s starts telling me I’m crazy, I’m insane or that I’m not making any sense.
A lot of our fights stem from me wanting him to do just a few things around the house, not working so much ( he is a workaholic) and litttle things like I want him to buy me flowers or write me little notes. He makes me feel as I am constantly asking for too much. In this midst of all this I haven’t been the best partner either because I’ve just let my emotions and feelings overcome me in the moment and I will start screaming or lashing out and that’s when he will call me crazy and that makes me even more riled up in the moment. He makes me feel as if my feelings aren’t valid and that I am actually insane .
Any time I bring something up he reminds me that he covers 90% of credit card ( we primarily use the card for groceries and date nights but I do sometimes put my personal expenses on there) and that I’m a financial burden to him. To note we split everything else like our rent, utilities and car payment. He makes almost double the salary that I do but he works in the office and takes the car 90% of the time. When it comes to money we deal with it really differently, I’ve been on my own since I was 18 and had to financially support myself since then, my partner on the other hand just moved out of his parents home at 26. So he feels that if he isn’t saving loads of money a month something is wrong. I on the other hand just make sure everything is paid for and have never had a huge savings like my partner. For context we both have good stable salary jobs.
When comes to the house however I take care of 90% of things in our apartment. His job gives them meals for breakfast and lunch so he eats at work but I cook all of our dinners throughout the week and breakfast on the weekends. It’s important to note he’s not a great cook, and I make really yummy meals so I don’t mind cooking but what makes me upset is that he doesn’t care to help with the clean up after dinner. In the past he has told me that I don’t have to cook for him, but cooking is one of the ways I show love, I just need a little bit of help. Any time I bring up him helping around the house a bit more he brings up that he helps more financially so that should be enough but I don’t think that’s fair. I clean the house, wash our sheets, and even sometimes do his laundry. I also do all our grocery shopping and run most of our errands like taking the car to get a car wash or for an oil change. Not once in our relationship has he offered to help unless I asked him to. He always says that I have more time because I work from home but that he doesn’t because he has to go into the office which I understand on the weekdays but on the weekends he just goes to the gym comes back home and makes himself something to eat unless I have cooked and then goes into the office to work for the rest of the day. Any time I bring this up he tells me he is doing enough.
Over the last 8 months I can’t remember us having one good week, I always get mad at something whether it’s because he left the bathroom covered in hair despite me having just cleaned it or even if it was the 100th time I asked him to clean up after himself, or he would only wash his dish despite me having cooked dinner for us and there were other dishes in the sink, or he is playing too rough with my dogs he just doesn’t seem to care.
When I have asked him to move out or leave (I own the apartment we currently live in so I wouldn’t move out) he tries to make things better and we’re ok for a few days and then it just all happens over and over again. I have told him I’m not in love but he still doesn’t leave and continues to tell me I’m angry, nasty and insane person. All this to say, am I crazy or overreacting? I feel like I don’t know what my reality is and isn’t anymore.
TL;DR Is my boyfriend gaslighting me by telling me I’m insane or crazy every time I get upset by something he does?