This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
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Well, back at it! My most recent date was fantastic, which made it even more crushing to get the “I’m actually going to pursue someone else, sorry” text afterwards. It was a very short thing, only a few dates, but I was already starting to dream about a future with her. In the past I’ve worried I’d never find someone I could develop those kind of feelings for. I spent three months in a relationship earlier this year waiting and hoping to feel something, so I’m trying to think of it as a bit of hope – yes, it’s possible to feel that way, and that means I’ll be able to find it again.
On that note, would anyone be willing to give [my profile](https://imgur.com/a/T9mtvg4) a review before I dive in in earnest?
Posted updates about this a few times, just wanted to get further thoughts on the situation.
Went on 3 dates (maybe totally around 15 hours together) in the space of a week with a woman, called R, in the space of a week before she went away for 3 weeks to be the main person responsible for running quite a sizeable and complex youth camp. We agreed to a 4th date when she got back. So 2 weeks to go.
Another woman that I had been on two dates with, called L, just returned from a 3 week vacation. We went on our 3rd date last night. She’s really nice and I had a great time with her. She suggested we see each other next week, to which I agreed.
Even after this 3rd date with L, I am still much more drawn to R. I had originally planned to see how things would go with L after she got back from her vacation. However after today’s events I am revisiting that idea.
Since R has been gone, the communication dropped off from her. I understand that running the youth camp is probably quite stressful and demanding on her. She also owes me nothing given we’ve only just met. However, she has really stood out compared to other people. I felt neglected and after almost a week I raised it with her today (**I did not use word neglected with her**). Tried to communicate in as healthy of a way as possible. Showing understanding of her situation, communicated my needs/worries, and to ask for clarity on what I should expect in the time she’s away. I only want her to give what she is able to.
She quickly responded with a detailed and long reply. She apologized profusely (more than just a short sorry) and explained how chaotic and stressful running the camp has been. I totally understand and sympathize with her. Later on she gave me some updates on her day. I greatly appreciated her efforts and she seemed very genuine and regretful for how she might have made me feel.
The replies and the depth of her apology (much more than she owes me at this stage) made me feel like I meant more to her than I had thought. While we hadn’t agreed to exclusive dating (given we’d only known each other for a week), I no longer feel comfortable pursuing thing with L or anyone else. I can definitely see long-term potential with L, but it feels wrong to go on dates with her while feeling like I’m not able to give it my all. So I’m leaning towards letting L know the situation and then waiting on R to come back. R and L are both great women and if I wasn’t in this situation with both of them in the picture at the same time, I would have happily seen where things naturally went. However, I am afraid of making the wrong decision and losing them both. Of course, anything can happen at this stage regardless of the decision I make.
Been seeing my shy guy for about 7 weeks. I’m starting to realize that I’m developing real feelings and that scares me.
I’ve communicated that I’m an anxious person and have been hurt, and he reassures me that he enjoys our time together. Moving slowly is just scary for someone with my past.
He says he sees this headed toward a relationship. But how do I manage the feelings of uncertainty in the meantime? How does everyone deal with that fear of being hurt?
Is making a baked good for someone 1.5 months in too much? I’m thinking something simple like brownies. Ty
It’s a holiday. I’m alone. I have only myself to blame because I’m so… ornery? I cut a lunch/food date short this morning. I didnt want to meet with him the first time. I thought ‘sure, why not?’ and then reasoned the next time was ‘he’s not unsafe.’ This last time, though. I couldn’t even make eye contact.
In hindsight, it was too much too fast. It was Saturday, then Tuesday, and today, Thursday. When it’s summarized like that, maybe I should have been more gentle at the letdown.
Day 5 of chatting with a ridiculously cute guy I have lots in common with. The call yesterday went great. We’ve chatted a lot today and we’re meeting tomorrow. I feel calm and ready to see him for the first time.
So I’ve exhausted all my matches and conversations. Either no response, or no interest on either of our ends. I think it is time to take a break from OLD since I’ve been on many dates in the last 30 days and feel like I’m not getting anywhere fruitful. I think I am going to do a solo beach day on Saturday to reground myself and clear my mind.
Oh man, I’m back again with more success to share.
I commented a couple days ago because I (38M) was very worried that my girl (27F) may not be into me as much as I had expected. I went on a rant about expectation management, thinking that maybe she can’t make time for me because I was just a hook up to her.
Follow: we been talking the last couple days and it’s gotten so much better. Of course, we’re in such an early stage so when we took it to a different level and she didn’t reciprocate my energy, I was taken aback. Now I know why, which I won’t share with yall. However, I will share that we’ve been talking consistently and she has even plotted out some time for me in her life. This is a huge step, not only for me but also for her. I think this will move forward as a relationship, however long or short it becomes.
Gonna head to the park for a bit to glare bitterly at the happy couples before the fireworks start.
So it seems my pursuit of a relationship, sex and love has very little to do with me being intrigued by another person and very much to do with me being obsessed with whether or not I’m even worthy of any of the mentioned. I’m so much more in love with the idea of having a relationship, having sex or being loved than I’ve really ever been in love with a person apart from a thing with a friend I botched in my mid-twenties. I’m really lonely despite having a few close friends, super starved for touch and stressed out of my mind by some stuff I’ve agreed to years ago due to my people pleasing tendencies.
I’ve recently found the theory around developmental/relational trauma to be very helpful in understanding how my mind works. It just seems to me that these dynamics described in it are fundamentally incompatible with dating, loving and being loved, especially with the current ethos of “you should be ready, prepared and intentional and have processed all of your shit before dating”.
I’m at a bit of a loss as to what the hell I’m supposed to do about all this. I’m already in therapy, journal somewhat actively, work on myself both physically and mentally, and see friends regularly. People around me don’t seem to see a problem in me even when we get to deeper discussions about this stuff.
Ya’ll my intuition hit again! I’ve gotten good at this. So I went on a first date the other day, and the guy was very unusually intimate with me towards the middle – end. I thought the date generally went well and we had many things in common, but I was confused by the intimacy and what he meant by it so I asked for advice on here. Anyway, he left that date pretty engaged, planning for the next date, upped his messaging, etc…
Anyway, out of the blue, he kind of fell off the face of the planet recently. The consistent and daily messaging stopped. And I haven’t heard from him. While, sure, it’s not been many days since I haven’t heard from him. Just the fact that there was an abrupt change of his behavior with no explanation.
Honestly, dating is a bit annoying and I’ve already begun lightly chatting with others. But it’s like how do you go from excitement, mutual reciprocated interest, etc… to just silence and likely never speaking to each other again. It doesn’t make sense. NGL, I am a bit (only slightly though) bummed, but I know it’s for the best.
Do you think date 7 is too soon to communicate I am not happy with communication style, but otherwise everything’s good? I realise it bothers me too much when I only have 1 text exchange per day, even though there’s a lot that I do like about how things are going.
I know he isn’t ignoring me, as his whatsapp genuinely shows him ‘last active’ when he sends me a message, but I’m just not used to someone not being into texting to this level.
Putting what I’m seeking out into the universe, haha. What cities are good for finding men/relationships like this? (I know it’s more complicated than that, but I’m in a comical mood…) Seeking progressive, artsy, emotionally intelligent men who lean more into things like art/film/music/psychology, like to talk openly about feelings, and are either introverts or are ok with very strong introverts. Childfree, ideally wanting a living apart together relationship. I’m very open, loving and communicative but also need tonsss of alone time and am more of a homebody/can be quite quiet. But am also very passionate. Honestly I might be ok in a relationship that was poly or enm if a partner wanted that. Just seeking a meaningful relationship above all. Also very sensitive… I see I was already downvoted 😅 Anyway just being playful and trying to think of ideas of where to move
any advice on how to stop worrying about the future and how to start enjoying present dates?
my fatal flaw is always looking and planning ahead, and i always find it hard to enjoy the moment: for example, if i have a second date, i’ll be worried it ends there and there won’t be a third. i’ll spend the lead up to date 2 anxious and uncomfortable, thinking of ways on how i can secure date 3. it’s obviously a very tiring way to live and think, because i want to enjoy the date without the expectation that will be it.
Haven’t posted on here for a while! But life is good. Dating is….well, the usual. 😂. A few hookups but nothing serious. But they were fun and there’s always the possibility of more, so that’s cool. I keep in contact with some of them.
Been on holiday to a couple of places in Europe which was awesome! Got back into some hobbies, seen some friends I haven’t seen in ages, went to a concert last week that was incredible, and I also had some woman hit on me on the street yesterday. So that was nice! Never been hit on in the street before.
Was it the fact that she was slightly drunk due to celebrating her birthday? Who can say. Alcohol or no alcohol, a win is a win. We actually live close, so maybe an option there….
Hope everyone here is doing well! Haven’t browsed this sub in months! I’m sure everyone is partnered up and married by now….
I work at a hospital and walked into a patient’s room and the lady there (geriatric and confused but talkative and pleasant) looked at me and went “wow, you’re beautiful! You’re really, absolutely beautiful!” I laughed it off and said thank you but I really wasn’t, and then she frowned at me and asked, “What, has no one ever told you that?” I shook my head and she replied, “Never? Really! Well, you need to meet nicer people!” And honestly, that just made me choke up a little bit because it made me realize that I can count on one hand the number of times anyone has ever called me beautiful or pretty (and that includes all my past exes as well). I don’t maintain any disillusion of being a bombshell by any means, but it really got me second guessing my previous relationships and how attractive I was to my partners.
Would love to hear stories if you’ve felt similar –
Last year I went on a handful of dates with a guy after meeting online and we got on really well / great chemistry and laughter. I was super into him and to this day have never fancied anyone or felt that great connection with anyone else. I think a lot of it came from the wit he had. I’m quite a loud/jokey woman and its not often I find a guy who will have banter on my level and be that confident with me. I think often I’m ‘too loud’ and equally I’m not attracted to ‘too quiet’.
Unfortunately we parted ways as he had a lot going on having recently split up with his wife and had a child – we spoke once after as I reached out to check in and I learned they have since got back together, however he admitted that he felt that same connection when we had dated and I’d had an impact on him the same way. The story ends here.
Moving on with my life, no matter how much I try on apps or dating events, I struggle to find that same connection / feeling. I find myself pining that feeling. I appreciate that sometimes feelings grow with people so I try not to be quick to judge. I also know that clearly he was not my person but I’d just love to hear when someone has thought they’d never feel a certain way again / excited by someone and it’s happened??
I’m 34f and not had many dating experiences so keen to hear your stories?
I haven’t had any anxiety about him since we started dating.
I like him a lot but I’m not scared of losing him and I dont feel the need to run around and do everything to please him. In the past, I used to worry a lot about losing someone, go above and beyond, be scared to ask for what I needed, always nervous to call or text, waiting hopelessly for communication..and being super excited when they send a text.
I don’t feel any of that with this guy. It’s been 3 months and I think he is going to ask to be official soon.
I don’t know if I’m just mature now and can handle my emotions better and this is a good thing OR if not having these feelings is a bad thing?
Just read this BORU with a gf of two years ditching her boyfriend’s mom’s funeral for a family vacation. Her reasoning was that she’d only met the mom a handful of times and the vacation was expensive and planned way in advance with her close family. Most commenters thought she was a total piece of shit, but a handful said it was perfectly understandable.
It made me very curious about what people’s attitudes toward funerals involving their partners are. At what point do you feel obligated to go to funerals/wakes with a partner? Do you go if you don’t know the deceased? What level of closeness to the deceased does your partner have to have for you to go if you don’t know them? How much of an effort are you expected to make to show up?
…And I kind of wonder the same for weddings…
When would it be an appropriate time to bring flowers over to a man’s house?
I (36F) have a 3rd date this weekend as soon as he (43M) is back in town. He has a beautiful home and im a big believer of fresh flowers being the cherry on top to a nice living space. It makes a home instantly happier.
I think right now would be a little premature as our connection and chemistry is only just developing. Would this be a welcomed gesture or is it weird?
I guess im curious because idk what to bring to his home, i don’t want to show up empty handed to a guests home. Im going to bring a book i think he might enjoy but id like something else to accompany it. I would do wine but idk anything about wine and he is very educated in that and has more wine than consumable. Suggestions welcomed!
This is a stupid question, but I’ve only been in one past relationship and the way that started is WAY different from my current situation.
What is it typically like the first time you spend the night with someone? I’ve been dating someone for months now, but due to various circumstances we haven’t actually spent the night at either person’s place. To be clear, we’ve cuddled in a bed before after sex on several occasions, but have never literally gone to sleep. We’re going on a camping trip in a few weeks where we’ll be spending two overnights with each other and I honestly don’t know what to expect! I feel like I’m an inexperienced 18 year old or something.
How’s everyone’s night going? Debated going out and watching fireworks but tonight I just wasn’t feeling it. I fill my days with art events and jazz nights and karaoke etc- and it’s fun in the moment, but when you’re driving home and realize you have no one to reflect on the night with or create those memories with, it all feels so ethereal. Didn’t feel like that drive home
After my 3rd failed relationship and dating for the last 6 years, I’ve reached the conclusion that men don’t see me as partner material. I’m done waiting for a serious relationship to be happy.
I’ve quit the apps and I’m so happy. I’ve never thought I’d get to this point.
Will be 32 and every breakup is the same, the man cries and tells me I have such a huge heart and I’m kind and funny and beautiful, but they want to explore their options.
It fucking hurts.
Second date with Texts Too Much.
He’s “calmer” now for lack of a better word. Less texting, but still regular communication, etc.
I think he was just overly excited before because from what he’s told me hasn’t had any luck matching with women on OLD.
Being a single man must be wild.
At any rate, I had a lot of fun, time passed really quickly, and date 3 will be next week.
I know I’ll sound like a jerk.. but here goes.. Recently move near to a really large urban area – many women on dating apps and it’s hard to kind of even catch up (even with filters). Hadn’t dated in over a year because of moving around/no dating options in smaller communities…
Anyways connected with a woman seemed to go well on messages.. and went on two initial dates that I planned and paid for. In person. found her personality/beliefs were sometimes offensive.. despite finding her physically attractive (she is also in her early 30s vs my late 40s both without kids which was good for potential long term family considerations..)
I was kind of reluctant to meet up with her again (even though had no other real options.. ).. Anyways she then invited me to her place for the third date for dinner (part of me was trying to rationalize the situation instead of just refusing i.e. hadn’t been intimate in almost 2 years).. she had a lot of alcohol (I drank too but not as much).. I was about to leave (wasn’t enjoying the convo/was offended by a lot of what she was saying and wasn’t physical) and lo and behold she offered me to stay and things went much further than I had planned (all the way from basically zero)..
Now I don’t want to string her along.. but she obviously thought it was a great evening and is wondering why I haven’t really contacted her after (I have legitimate excuse of moving).. but actually have set up a date with another woman that looks more promising.. I think it’s cruel to just dump her over text.. but most of the conversation was one sided (me listening diplomatically to her rants) and I don’t want reprecussions (I work in a high profile job).. I kick myself for not having the will to leave before anything happened.. but combination of I guess alcohol and being a bachelor so long I think played a part (physical wasn’t really great)..
Anyways – reluctant jerk.
I’m 36 and a friend told me I’m closer to 50 than 15, somehow that really rattled me. I’m dating again after a hiatus, but still haven’t my person and I’m getting concerned I’ll run out of time to have kids. I don’t want to raise them alone for well-considered reasons. I enjoy my time alone with my plants and dog. I feel my senses to the whole dating ritual dulling and dimming. I really do wonder why I haven’t had any lasting and significant relationships in my life and it saddens me. I’ve done a lot of work on myself and I’m a kind, caring, and relatively put together person. I know I’d be a great mom to kids and great partner to the right person. I oscillate between dreaming big that it’s all timing and it’ll still come, and, that one day I’ll look back and see that the life I want has passed me by. Also, I’m tired of people telling me “you’re a catch and you still have time.” It’s not about some arbitrary timeline. I’m ready and I want a family and I want to be part of an exceptional partnership. My bones ache for this and have for some time.
I went on a second date with the woman I had no chemistry with (big mistake). I made a fucking amazing picnic spread, and for some reason she wanted to drive us an hour away to watch fireworks, so we did.
Well, halfway through sitting there, she told me I wasn’t her type, so I was super petty and made her drive me home and miss the fireworks.
Guys, be proud of me! I used my honest, big girl voice to tell a guy I’m not interested in just sexting and this isn’t going to work because we want different things!!
He got mad and hit me with “K. Good night!” 😂 onwards to enjoying the new me!
I went to a bookstore today by myself and I was the only one there. The guy at the counter was friendly and cute (and seemed like he would be up for chatting/was eager to help because it was a very slow day), we had some minor interactions as I was checking out. I feel like in another universe, I would know how to flirt and have a conversation and maybe get his number, but I just had a headache and didn’t stop to chat. Even without the headache I have no idea how to “make something happen” in a situation like this, I honestly just walk around feeling like I’m not hot enough and no one actually wants me to be interested in them. The idea of asking for a random person’s number seems outlandish (ok, more so because no one except one creepy 60 year old dude has ever asked for *my* number – if it was something that actually happened to me, maybe it would feel more normal). Blerg.
Answering some questions from yesterday’s thread, on the dating service that I had just signed on!
The question was what questions were asked during the screening call.
They were very thoughtful & very personal questions such as:
– What is a thing that would upset me these days (to see how I would handle stress)
– Why did I sign on (gave alot of context on how my previous relationships were from the apps & made a conscious decision to not default back to the apps after the last breakup, because I want a different result this time)
– How do I spend my time after work
– What is the biggest challenge in dating for me (funnily I said it’s the stigma of using a dating service lol)
– What do I value the most now in a relationship
– How would I envision my life decades from now
– Do I have a race & religion preference (I’m agnostic & cited that my worldviews would be too brazen for most local cultures)
—
The call was an hour plus, though it was scheduled only for 20mins. Somehow I feel like they get me & didn’t feel like what I’m asking for is too much.
—
And this morning I saw on my phone that I have a date! It’s next Thursday. During the registration, we have to choose 5 traits that best describes us. He matches 4/5. So let’s see how it all plays out!
It is too difficult to date with someone with BPD? I matched with a girl on Tinder, and she told me that. Also she warned me that she’s intense and she’s insecure, but, over the time we’ve talked, she’s liked my personality (a person who talk a lot and gentle, apart from taking the initiative)