My husband and I have been together for 12 years. We’ve been having trouble in our marriage, but have been trying to work through it for the past few years.
We generally don’t go on dates. The only time we get a night to ourselves is on an anniversary, maybe once or twice a year, which is usually just a dinner together. Since we’ve been trying to repair our relationship, this year we actually went out for Valentine’s Day, which is something we’ve never really done before.
The other night a comedian we grew up watching rolled through our town so I bought tickets thinking it would be a perfect opportunity for us to have a fun night to ourselves at the local casino. I don’t know what I was expecting… Maybe we’d grab drinks and hang out at the bar beforehand, then spend the evening after the show gambling a few hands at the blackjack table.
Our kids had a baseball game before the show, and as assistant coach for the team, I didn’t think to dress sexy for our night out since we’d be leaving from the game to go to the casino. I wore jeans and a sweater and after the game I dressed it up a bit with some new earrings and made sure to wear makeup, which is rare for me. His brother was babysitting our kids so we all went out to dinner after the game. Instead of going to the casino after dinner, he suggested we go for a walk with his brother and our kids until we had about 30 minutes left before the show started.
When we finally got to the casino, we spent a few minutes walking around, took a selfie to celebrate our night out, then looked for a bar to get a drink. He’s not an affectionate guy, but he stood in line with me at the bar like I was some kind of stranger, just making minor observational small talk. When we got our drinks and went into the show he made a comment about how it looked like the whole town showed up, and a lot of people he recognized were around.
We still had about 10 minutes before the show started so he said he wanted to go outside for a smoke. We left to go outside, but when I saw a sign that said drinks weren’t allowed beyond the door he continued to go outside without me like leaving me behind wasn’t a problem. He left me awkwardly standing by the door, and without any cash, I just sat at some slots and scrolled through Reddit.
He called a few minutes later asking why I didn’t go outside to stand with him while he smoked and said he asked the valet who said it was ok to bring my drink outside. I went out to tell him the show was about to start so he downed his drink and we went back to our seats.
The show was great, but he didn’t show any affection towards me while seated. He didn’t put his arm around me, kiss me or hold my hand. I took a selfie of us, but looking back on it, his body language seemed like he didn’t want to be next to me. We weren’t close together and he kind of looked like he was pulling away like he didn’t want to be in it.
He said he had no interest in gambling, so after the show ended we immediately left the casino, and on our way out, he was walking fast and was paces ahead of me. From leaving the theater to walking through the parking lot he wasn’t by my side, and it just felt like he didn’t want to be seen with me in public. Walking behind him felt like he was treating me like a casual friend, not his wife and the mother of his children. There was no hand holding, hugging or kissing the whole time we were there.
I couldn’t shake the feeling that he was embarrassed to be recognized by someone he knew. Like he didn’t want people to know he was there with me. It felt like he was on a tinder first date with someone he didn’t like, but was just going through the motions to be polite until the night was over and he could leave. If that had been a first date with anyone else, I definitely wouldn’t follow it up for a second night out with as distant as he was towards me.
I was hoping to have a date night where we could be adults outside our house enjoying a night on the town together, but it felt like his only interest was going through the motions to get back home as soon as possible. Instead of spending the night out together, he just wanted to be back home so he could smoke weed and hang out with his brother.
Even at home, I get no affection. It feels like we’re checked out on our marriage, living like roommates that happen to have sex. On the rare occasions he sits next to me on our three person couch, the middle seat is always open and he never tries to cuddle.
I just keep thinking about how he was when we first got together, and that seems so far away. Random strangers used to tell us that we looked like we were so in love that we inspired them. Now we’re just two people I wouldn’t even recognize anymore. Just a guy and his platonic friend going to a show because she bought tickets and asked him to go with her.
6 comments
Did you try to initiate any affection? Hand holding? Hugs or kisses? Did you communicate to him that you wanted any of those things?
I’ve never understood marriages that change after vows… when you dated I’m sure you did more than 2 things a year together… not dating or spending time together has taken its toll, and now it feels foreign. It’s awkward. You can’t just say oh here’s a random date night, when we haven’t done it in years,, make it perfect. Nope, make it a habit. Communicate you want him to have his hands on you, ask what he wants, and get back in the groove of dating, start making each other a priority cuz it sounds like it’s been a long time since that’s happened.
1 – You’re having marriage problems.
2 – You’re heavily out of practice.
3 – The schedule for the day/evening didn’t really allow for a “date mode” switch. (Going out to dinner with his brother and your child… **not** date vibes.)
4 – You appear to be very passive.
This just sounds like you guys need more open communication and, most importantly, MORE PRACTICE DATING.
Ask him out on another date and talk up the parts of the evening you liked.
Sounds likenyou guys are disconnected!
For me personally, feeling disconnected from my husband stresses me out and makes me withdraw. Something that helps us is we make a pretty good habit of having time to connect and talk.We call it “Tea Time” (even though neither of us drinks tea. Lol)
I need the talking to feel connected and he needs the affection that I’m more likely to give when I feel connected to him….that being said, it didn’t come naturally. We build time into our day to talk. Just us. Away from the kids (like the back patio or in the garage/smoking lounge). At first it was a little weird but then we saw that it really helped us connect. It’s time for us to talk about what’s going on with kids, work, us. If something is bugging me – we now have a platform for that. If something is bothering him – we now have a platform for that. If we just need to hold hands and regroup from a stressful time dealing with something- we have a platform for that! It may not work for every couple, but it sure helps us.
Date nights obviously are wonderful but it’s not realistic for us with small kids and busy schedules to guarantee time away from the house and kids. This is a practical way for us to make US a priority without needing baby sitters and free schedules etc
Best of luck!!
I hear a lot of waiting for him to do something. Do you not have arms?
You dont know what you were expecting but you obviously had expectations. Do your attempts to reconnect involve a therapist?