I’m 26, nonbinary, and use they/them pronouns. I have been on T for a year and have a pretty substantial T dick. My husband is also trans and has been out for over a decade. I was closeted when we started dating, and came out two years in. Our sexualities are both pretty fluid, so we adapted easily.
For background, before my husband I had never had an orgasm, felt weird touching myself, and thought sex was kinda lack luster. I know now that it was probably because I felt like I was in the wrong body. I had faked orgasms before with old partners who only cared about their own pleasure and weren’t very considerate or gentle. When my husband and I started dating I told him all of this, and we decided that orgasms weren’t the goal, but a bonus. About 2 months in I had my first orgasm and wept as he held me.
We continued to explore our sexuality more, I would peg him, he would get more comfortable with me touching him, etc. Every once in a while I felt like he was being self centered in bed, I would let him know, and he would try to adapt. But within a few weeks he would drift back to focusing on himself. We also had issues with our libidos never lining up.
When I went on T my sex drive skyrocketed, we started talking about fantasies that we have, using toys more, trying new things, and I became more of a top while he bottomed (I weigh 100lbs more than him). We were clear about both of our masturbation habits and porn usage. But while I adapted to my new drive, sensitivity, urges, and growth, I would start to feel pangs of guilt, shame, or just kind of sourness. Now I only ever have sex with a vibrator, butt plugs, or dildo, and many times when my partner and I have sex it starts with me pleasuring him and then us masturbating next to each other. I feel like I lost some of the feeling of being taken care of.
Sometimes when I get close to cumming I panic and back down. Even now, I’ll prep to masturbate and lay out all of the toys I want to use and then midway through feel uncomfortable and stop. I feel guilt for having sex without him, I feel guilt for trying to be sexy and failing, and I feel guilt about whatever kinky thoughts I have about other people (which he and I have discussed enthusiastically). My husband is super hot. I love pleasuring him. But I feel like I don’t trust him to pleasure me?
Has anyone else had a similar feeling? Are there any constructive ways I could bring this up that aren’t just “I need more from you?”