My boyfriend \[M29\] and I \[F30\] broke up up a couple weeks ago after 10 months together, and suddenly, being a single woman at 30 feels very different than even being single in my late 20s was.
I spent my 20s getting to where I am in my professional life, and I feel like I missed all the opportunities/milestones were people typically meet their person. I have a great life–I make six figures, just got offered and accepted a new job with a great company, I have two masters degrees and LOVE what I do, I own my own home, and I have 2 dogs and chickens. I love to travel and actually finally get to!
I’m shuddering after this breakup, because I remember what dating was like before my ex. Men lied about age, being married, or they were really really weird. It’s like the dating pool changed somehow between when I was 26, and 30. Now there are a large number of men in my age range who are divorced, or who have kids, or you find guys who don’t have either, but have deep commitment issues (ergo my ex I was with for 2.5 years who looked like such a catch on the surface).
Meeting men in natural places has never resulted in connections for me either–I’ve never been the girl who was approached in a bar, even in college when my friends were. I have a lot of hobbies, but it turns out most of my hobbies are old person hobbies (Trail running group? Chicken hobbyiest? Archaeology? Dog training? Lots of older people and families).
I don’t think I really want kids, and I definitely don’t want to date someone who already does. And even if I want kids, the chance I’m going to get to have one is going down with each failed relationship and year that passes. **I live 30 minutes drive outside of a city with 300k people in the midwest, and I’m told by many people (including my ex when we were dating) that most men would never be willing to drive that far to see a partner.** Additionally I remember how hard it is to even get someone to get tested for STIs, which is a requirement for me to feel comfortable sleeping with someone.
I’m a healthy weight, I work out every day, I’m funny (I’ve done standup more than a couple times), I love to cook, I’m ambitious, and it’s just like it’s never mattered and never happened.
My last relationship wasn’t great–we fought a ton. And while it might be fixable, he just sent me a giant list of things i did wrong and all the things I need to compromise for him to consider starting over (which include me needing to give up country music, running, and allow him to live in the city and be more permissive of recreational drug use) And honestly I’m so scared I won’t have another good opportunity, that I’m considering fixing it.
Any advice or thoughts? Anyone out there who’s like “Yeah i was totally single at 30, and 3 years later i got married and it all worked out?”
TL;DR: Single, middle aged woman. Great professional life, very scared I’m about to be single forever and need to embrace it. Any success stories?
7 comments
You have 10 more years til middle age, theres no right or wrong way to live your life so don’t make stressful expectations
Take it a day at a time if necessary
Online dating seems the way to go still
You’re 30, you’re not middle aged….. I think your outlook on dating is the problem…
Disregard what your ex said about you, you can find someone who will adore you as you are. Yes there are many men that will have kids by that age, but also with age does come a more mature dating pool, many who won’t bat an eyelid about taking sti tests or driving a bit to see each other.
You were single and 29 10 months ago. It’s the way you’re looking at it. It’s just a number. Be yourself and be patient.
>he just sent me a giant list of things i did wrong and all the things I need to compromise for him to consider starting over (which include me needing to give up country music, running, and allow him to live in the city and be more permissive of recreational drug use)
Hahaha, what? Fuck that.
Your ex isn’t worth another thought and needs to have his list of demands pitched in the garbage and forgot about forever. You’re way better than someone who will demand you give up the things you like, your personal ethics, or your preferred lifestyle. Potential partners wanting to remove things from your life is one of the reddest of flags, especially when he’s trying to remove *music* and *exercise* to replace it with *distance* and *drugs*. Our potential partners shouldn’t be looking to mold us into their ideal, but instead should try to find a position where we can mutually provide value to each other’s lives.
My late husband and I separated when I was 29. He died two years later and I met my partner about 6 months after that. I didn’t think I was ever going to have another relationship and had only been dating casually for the couple of years before I met him even when others expressed wanting more; being over 30 I had experiences which had given me a much better perspective on what I wanted and needed in my life, leaning towards not being in a relationship again was thinking there wasn’t anyone who could live up to my (not particularly “high” but definitely very narrow) expectations. Nobody ever had before, why would I expect that to change?
It took about three dates to get there, but each one I learned a bit more about him that made me want to know even more. After the third, I was sold. He started staying with me primarily after about a month (while maintaining his own place) and then didn’t renew his lease in six months. It’s been about 5 years since that. We don’t believe in marriage (reinforced by having done it for the sake of others in the past) but have both agreed that this is it for us, this is what we want; it’s overall the most happiness and peace I’ve ever known in a relationship.
You’re not middle-aged, 30 is still very young—I have multiple friends that are starting or have started their families in their mid-to-late 30s, ones who didn’t even know their partner in their 20s, and not even wanting to have kids means you’re not working against time so much. There’s also the men who spent their 20s the same way you did, building their careers and their lives, and who are just starting to feel like they have the time or desire for a relationship. (For the record, not all divorced men have baggage or children; having the perspective that added maturity can give you makes it easier to spot the ones who do, the way men talk about their exes—and not just wives—is *very* important.)
Seriously, ignore your ex. In my experience, men *will* drive to you, at least the ones who are worth it (30 minutes is *nothing*). Your ex wants you to think that he’s not replaceable because that’s the only way to convince you that you’re the problem and need to comply with his ridiculously selfish list of demands. Don’t do it. Get back out there. Be picky. Find someone that makes you happy and doesn’t add constant stress. Enjoy your 30s, they can be even better than your 20s. Feeling middle-aged can wait until 45, can’t it?
30 is middle aged? 😂
fuck that guy.
Also, you just need to be open mimded about meeting guys. Try tinder and bumble, maybe travel overseas and see if you click with anyone there.
there are great men like me, you just need to search for them more.