tldr: anger issues and my parents socially isolating me prevented me from developing socially the same as everyone. i’m graduating high school and i think i just completely wiped out all my friends.
is it worth winning them back?
what are some social skills i should know?
how do i make friends in the adult world? (gap year no uni)
i’m graduating high school this year (hopefully) and i’ve never been able to keep friends because of past anger issues and extremely anxious and protective parents.
until about the age of 12 i would frequently physically attack people. i had to teach myself how to not let myself go into blackout rage. i pretty much conquered this by 15. i wasn’t really allowed any access to electronics really until i was about 15 (before 15 there were time limits of 1hr/day, sites restricted to kids sites and more)
i wasn’t allowed to go out with friends unless my mom called the parents of everyone attending. eventually i wasn’t invited to anything because of that.
i never was able to develop my social skills for the above reasons and as i was expelled at 14 and had to do supervised online school until 15 i went to a new school; all social groups were already established (where i live high school is grades 8-12, and elementary is k-7)
anyways my friend (lets call her M) who never really invited me anywhere or does
anything with me despite hanging out with other friends frequently just deleted me from her close friends instagram. i tried to not let the fact that i was never invited anywhere not hurt me, but i would invite her places and she would frequently decline. it hurt but i would tell myself that she’s allowed other friends and it doesn’t really mean anything because i used to have a tendency to get violent over stuff like this.
M has a very close friend called S who is ALWAYS with M. i’ve always liked her, she’s just really i have never been rude to S (or M) but whenever i’m with M, S or the rest of their group i am excluded, talked over and everyone is generally stand-off ish to me. i’ve analyzed everything i could have done wrong and i honestly think S is wary of me for joking about how i used to be crazy violent. but now? i really don’t think i’ve done anything “wrong” maybe talk too liberally around the wrong people.
ANYWAYS! S is cautious with me and there is a grade 12 event happening so i hang out with M and the rest of her friends. halfway through i leave because i’m tired of being ignored and i just want friends that actually care about me. i cry in the bathroom for an hour and i go home. i removed everyone that doesn’t care about me the way i need to be cared for from my social media.
later i get a text from M asking about a school project. she asked why i removed her and i just told her i just was upset and jealous. i decided to forgive her told her she could rq again. she then removed ME. i guess i asked for it, but it really hurts. is it worth asking her why? i genuinely don’t want to hurt her or anyone. ive hurt enough people.
i’m not going to have any friends for the graduation ceremony or prom. it’s just me. i’m terrified.
i have been professionally diagnosed with BPD (and other disorders) on many occasions and this makes me freak out, convince myself my friends hate me, isolate myself and essentially create a self fulfilling prophecy that i just did. like a few days ago. (whoops)
i’m looking for help with things you might have learnt while growing up that i might have missed. an example would be “don’t talk about yourself, ask questions” which was immensely helpful. i’m trying to go back to therapy but $$$
also how to i make friends as an adult? because i’m going to need some new ones
1 comment
[I think this might help you make sense of this.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hJZEq61KeM)
Edit: if nothing else just look up DBT
When you are the nonconformist, you must understand that people will always be interested in meeting your understanding of things. Others are more capable of sussing out, the average human perspective on things. For people like us, we are forced to tread upon a line very difficult to perceive and this the aggression of others. Traumatized people hurt other people, and this cycle is a burden. Game theory states that aggression will always exist in a survival situation, and unfortunately we are a evolved for a survival situation. This survival presents a burden onto us all in an existential form. This dread produces the condition of suffering.
As someone diagnosed with BPD, you must understand that the conditions under which you personality was formed were not ideal. BPD is a trauma reaction, and correlated with CPTSD which is less stigmatized. The boundaries that are innate to our humanity were not meet, and now finding those boundaries as an adult are difficult. Most people are better conditioned to human behavior, but as a victim of trauma you are out of time with others. Your schema is a survival mechanism not a normal childhood. Although childhood for some is difficult, not everyone is for a bad adulthood. The feelings of loss are intense, but the pain is absurd. You are surrounded by it. Existence itself is suffering at many times in people’s lives. The point is that suffering is unnecessary if we can except the circumstances of your life. The way to do that is not an easy process. It isn’t linear nor quick, taking years of experience to incrementally lessen.
As for making friends I myself might have/had been BPD. I don’t know if I qualify, but my boundaries with people were very difficult. It requires a lot of patience, but I manage to stay relatively socially active. Being alone is a risk factor for misery, and for someone who would panic every day, it wasn’t an option to isolate myself. You may inevitably trigger many other people as they project against others who remind them of their own crushing feelings of inferiority. People relieve this existential burden by scapegoating others. Their ego is playing hide and seek with itself. You must understand that people won’t always reject you, and those that do should be left in your past. Kindness is a good way to make friends, because so few are truly altruistic. I always try to help others. People take advantage, but the best boundary is to avoid people who go out of their way to criticize you. Confrontation must be handled delicately even though being projected upon can hurt incredibly bad.
Many people with this condition are very sensitive, and are actually relatively capable of providing for the deep needs of others. This skill set is both a blessing and a curse, as we believe in kindness, but receive little. We act proportionately to others, and they respond by projecting against us. People never understand how our reaction are in the grand scheme of life appropriate. Many people act out in times of stress, and many of the people that have hurt you are not evil. Everyone is a victim of circumstances, and what truly matters is the trajectory of that person and not who they are instantaneously. Within that is a glimmer of hope, by finding your way out you help others process their trauma as well. The worst victims of trauma are the ones who know how to diffuse it.