Does anyone else struggle with a "blank mind" but not blank mind?
What I mean by that is, inside my head, it's just a movie with made up people living a better life than myself. Making connections with people and being happy. But on the outside? I can't do it. I don't know how.
I don't know how to communicate and share my opinions with people because I just feel I got nothing to say. I have no knowledge, no good memories, nothing of interest that comes to mind anymore. I can't find the words to speak and so I just get angry and isolate, which is probably just worsening my social skills.
I feel so misunderstood. As a child before trauma I was such a happy, bubbly, silly girly girl. And when I try to be that person again people become rude to me and basically call me ignorant.
Trying to find my type of people is even harder.
I'll see the fun friendships people have with each other. They joke, they're playful, it's just so wholesome. And then I try to be that person and I'm just shut down. No one understands me, even when I think I make it more obvious than others that I'm joking.
I don't want to be stuck being an uptight, serious person with nothing to say.
But people are really discouraging and it's hard to keep trying to be the happy, silly me I dream of being. I'm always labeled as mean and ignorant and I'm just tired of it. I want to get better with socializing but I feel no one gives me a chance.
And so I just stick myself back into that movie inside my head. Which is making it harder for me to even be in the moment in life, but the people in their at least accept me.
Sometimes I think my learning disability is the biggest reason for the struggle and I wish I could make it go away.
I don't know if I really needed advice, advice would be good either way. I just needed to get this out because I feel completely alone and trapped inside my head.