Vent – partner
I found out while I was breastfeeding my second born son that my husband was having an affair a few weeks after I had my first – alongside a string of other one night stands over the course of our, now, almost 12 year marriage.
I’m now pregnant with our third baby, almost in the last trimester. I know a lot of you will probably read that first part and wonder why I wouldn’t have just left immediately. I always thought if there were infidelity in my marriage I would leave without hesitation, but when it actually happened it was different. I couldn’t just give up on the family we’d built. I had an infant and a toddler at the time and the thought of having to lose time with them due to shared custody was also unfathomable. It was like a punishment on top of what was already excruciating.
He seemed immediately remorseful and wanted to reconcile. There were a few weeks of tears and apologies. He went to a handful of counseling sessions. It all fizzled out after awhile. The letters stopped. The check ins stopped. He started to get frustrated if I’d get emotional over what happened.
Anyway, fast forward to now. He’s active duty and deploying in a few days. He was gone for Mother’s Day and said we’d celebrate when he got back, we never did. He promised he’d help me take maternity photos before he leaves. I told him I really wanted to this time as it’s likely my last pregnancy. Baby will be born while he’s gone. He’s forgotten and never mentioned it again. I’m a photographer and do a lot of maternity sessions. I thought maybe it would actually mean something to him. Like he’d think this time was special, too. Worth showing he values me a little. He’s never snapped a photo. Never given me a back rub, a letter, a gift. Doesn’t check in with me. I worked late a couple nights ago and had to be up early for a newborn session the next morning in the July heat. I was exhausted after and laid down and was dozing off for a second that afternoon. He saw me and said “Oh you’re sleeping now? Fucking great.”
Tonight I was editing a newborn session and reflecting on how sweet so many of my couples are – how their partners look at them and what they say about them during pregnancy and after birth. It made me start crying immediately as it kind of hit me that I’ll never have that. He leaves in less than 48 hours and that’ll be it for our time together during my last pregnancy. The Mother’s Day never happened. The photos never happened. The bath time or the back rubs. None of it ever happened. I didn’t have a baby shower with my first because of Covid. My family doesn’t believe in showers past your first baby, so I never had one. It’s just been such a lonely and uncelebrated transition to motherhood and I’m feeling so low / unappreciated. It isn’t that I have high expectations. I’m just exhausted and overworked and alone. Thanks for the vent space.