Hi, using a throwaway cause me and my husband(31M) both have Reddit and he is aware of my main account. I really need advice on where to go from here and how we can resolve this situation without ruining the life we’ve built together. Content warning in advance for mentions of CSA and other forms of child abuse.
For some context me and my husband met in my final year of undergrad through some mutual friends and he is the single greatest person I ever could’ve found to share the rest of my life with. We got married a little before I turned thirty after being together for almost eight years and now have been married for two and a half years. We were gonna wait to start officially trying to have kids but ended up pregnant after I fucked up with my birth control. We always joke that our daughter (10mF) only exists because her mom has ADHD. I gave birth last September and while being a new mom is really hard and I barely sleep, she is the most amazing precious baby and my husband loves being her dad.
While my family has been heavily involved since day one, and MIL (57F) has helped out when she can, his family was mostly uninvolved in my pregnancy and these first few months of my daughter’s life. This is for a lot of reasons but primarily because A. We live in Montreal, they live in Chicago and B. My husband’s relationship to his dad and step mom (51F) is fairly distant and from what I know his father was emotionally abusive to their whole family when he was growing up, and had pretty severe issues with alcoholism but has since improved in some ways mostly due to step mom. He also has one younger brother who is his only sibling and whom I have literally only seen maybe eleven times. My husband and his brother don’t really have much of a relationship at all. He has slowly opened up to me over the years about this and from what I can gather, my husband resents him for some fairly petty or juvenile reasons that are moreso a byproduct of their unstable household, and even though he fully knows this, he can’t let go of things. (And when I say petty I mean he’s still mad about his brother talking shit about him to people who did not even know him when his brother was like thirteen) My husband is in therapy for various things already before anyone spams that in the comments, and his vitriol towards his brother has definitely decreased in the time I’ve known him. The few times I have met BIL, he came off as a quite charming and likable guy, and has always made what I feel were genuine attempts to get to know me despite knowing we likely wouldn’t see each other much. He also gave us a very personal heartfelt wedding gift that led to my husband talking about a lot of what I know about his brother.
This includes BIL having some pretty severe emotional issues throughout his life. I’m a clinical psychologist and so when I probed a bit out of curiosity he explained to me his brother has been diagnosed with various things ranging from complex PTSD, BPD and bipolar at different times in his life though he doesn’t know what his current diagnosis would be. He has said he feels guilty as he was very hard on his brother because he felt like his brother was exaggerating his issues for attention when they were younger. It was only when his brother had a psychotic break in his mid twenties that it hit him how serious his brother’s issues are. From what we know now his brother is doing very well and has an amazing job and boyfriend. His brother does not speak to their father at all and from what I heard, MIL was basically playing keep away with FIL at our wedding.
Well we finally found time to see my husband’s family in Chicago, and flew out here for the week on Sunday. The trip had been going great up until now, his whole family including extended family and both divorced parents hosted a huge meet the baby got together yesterday at a beautiful garden rented by his uncle. Covid tests and shots were mandatory obviously. It was very fun and it was one of the first events where I felt like my kid was enjoying themselves as well as me. It was also nice to meet a lot of his extended family members I hadn't met yet, as our wedding had to be small due to Covid. The reason the baby is such a big deal is that no one on his side, including cousins, has had a kid yet, this is really important.
The one kinda weird thing was that my brother in law who from what I know is usually very social was acting incredibly quiet and downtrodden. When he came up to greet us and give us our gift he didn’t make much eye contact and was clearly really uncomfortable. He didn’t wanna hold the baby as well, another odd thing, as he works with kids, he also left very early. I chalked it up to his strained relationship with my husband and their father and the only acknowledgment we ever made of it was my husband giving me a funny look after BIL walked away. That night however, he gets a text from his brother that reads as follows “Hey dude, sorry if this comes off as weird but I really need to talk to you and [my name], it’s very urgent and concerns [daughter’s name], when could you both meet me at my apartment tomorrow?”
Of course my husband asked him what exactly he was talking about and why he couldn’t explain it over the phone. BIL just insisted he couldn’t and finally we ended up agreeing to meet him at his apartment at 4 o'clock when MIL was taking my daughter for some predetermined grandma time anyway. I felt uneasy about the whole thing leading up to it. I was obviously thinking the worst but hoping for the best.
It was the worst. When we got there we sat down at BIL’s kitchen table, awkwardly made conversation for a few minutes and when I finally asked what we were here to talk about, he just broke down sobbing. His partner was there holding his hand, and it was through tears they both explained to us that BIL had been sexually abused by their father from when he was four until he was nine, (when their father stopped drinking) and that under no circumstances should he be allowed around our daughter alone, if at all. He said he had never told anyone in the family, but he couldn’t live with the guilt of putting his niece in harm’s way, and that we deserved the truth. When he stopped speaking no one really said anything for a while before my husband stood up and just flat out called him a liar. Things got out of hand extremely quickly from there, BIL started having a massive panic attack, begging my husband to believe him while he and my brother in law’s partner got into a screaming match. I literally didn’t know what to do and ended up just sitting there in the midst of the chaos. We ended up being ordered out by BIL’s boyfriend and apparently BIL had to be taken to the emergency room very soon after. This all happened in probably under fifteen minutes.
Once we were outside of his apartment building my husband began ranting to me about how he couldn’t believe that his brother would lie about something like that, and he could ruin their father’s life by saying things like that. I was in total shock. My husband is not the kind of person who screams to get his way, and tends to be known as a calm, very level headed person. It wasn’t until we were in the car I was able to come to my senses and ask my husband what the fuck was wrong with him. He got defensive and told me that I was crazy if I believed his brother and that he knew his dad. I asked him if that was the same father that he had confided in me about. He continued to flip out and after a few minutes of trying to get him to calm down he told me he was gonna go stay with his dad, and I could find my own way to MIL’s place. We have never slept in different places because of a fight before, but honestly it seems like it’s for the best and he needs to get his shit together. Ended up calling an Uber and am there now. I haven’t told MIL what’s going on but she can tell something’s up because I came back to hers (that’s where we’re staying) alone. I don’t wanna lose my husband, he’s funny and smart and loving, I know this isn’t him and he’s just taking this rough, who wouldn’t?
But I genuinely believe BIL, it’s pretty hard to fake a nuclear meltdown like he was having, and what reason would he even have to lie about this? There is nothing to gain here. Even if I BIL did have some possible ulterior motive, I have never really liked or trusted FIL as it is. Both because of my experiences with him and the stories I’ve heard about my husband’s childhood. My husband sees his dad about maybe three to four times a year and I see him maybe once. Every time his father has done at least one thing that made me or a larger group uncomfortable. The last time I saw him was about six months after our wedding, he made a joke about my husband and I's sex life, and I noticed him ogling some of the women around us. With what BIL has told me, I do not want FIL around our daughter and I will fight tooth and nail to make sure that happens. I have not heard from him since he said he was going to his father’s.
So, what do I do? Where do I even start? I literally am looking for any and all advice or comfort here. If I have to divorce my husband to protect my daughter I will do so, but I really don’t want it to come to that. Writing this all out really made me feel better, thank you for listening.
TDLR: My husband has strained relationship with BIL due to their unstable upbringing. Had a get together with husband’s family for them to meet our daughter, the next day BIL comes to us accusing their father of sexual abuse. I believe him, my husband doesn’t.