Often times when I would try to go to large group gatherings, or even just spending time in a small group, I would have sooooo much anxiety about it and overthink what to say and how to act to get people to like me and want to hang out with me again. I used to think it was a problem that had to do with me, like maybe i just lacked self confidence and social skills and that was something I needed to work on myself.
But i’ve come to realize something. My social anxiety hasnt popped up much recently when spending time with people and Ive come to realize that it didnt have to do with me at all, it had to do with the people I was socializing with.
I didnt realize it at the time but the people i used to socialize with actually weren’t the kindest people. They wouldnt say anything outright rude or mean, but they would behave exclusionary, distant, not be warm or welcoming, have a disinterested demeanor, be flakey with plans, would only interact with me if I approached first, and just overall did not appear to be genuine and sincere with their words or demeanor.
These are all behaviors that I was not cognizantly aware of, but I realize now my subconscious was picking up on it and it was causing me to have anxiety when socializing with some people who behaved cold like this. It took me so long to realize this i think because I just thought it was normal sadly. That this is just how people are? They dont get any kinder and friendlier than this, which resulted in me having anxiety when socialing with them 😐
I have met new people though who are SO WARM, and so welcoming, its like their presence is fresh baked cookies or birds chirping in the morning hahaha. Spending time with them and just having simple, casual conversations feel so natural I dont overanalyze it anymore and drive myself crazy thinking what am i doing wrong? I didnt even realize that I dont experience social anxeity with them until today.
Its such a breath of fresh air to be around genuine, honest, caring, and loving people. It feels so good to not feel crazy worrying about every little way in which I might get subtely judged for not being cool enough to actually take an interest in being my friend. That im not good enough.
To conclude this short essay, I’d like to leave all you who also struggle with social anxiety with some quotes I found helpful on this topic:
“I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.” -Robin Williams
“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem… first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.” -William Gibson