My (30F) husband (31M) of 3 years, together for 11 years and I have been having an evolving discussion regarding his drug use. I moved to a new city for him 5 years ago and that's when I really started to notice a change in our relationship. Partying and drinking multiple nights per week, what I thought was occasional drug use (mdma, cocaine that I'm aware of). I tried it once and had an awful experience and got super turned off by it all.
We've moved back to our "home" city in the last year, bought a home, and I really thought things would change. They haven't (stupid me), and I am fairly certain he is using drugs multiple nights per week when he goes out for "beers with friends" and comes home at 2-4am during the week, sometimes multiple nights a week. I told him this makes me feel incredibly anxious about his ability to cut the shit and grow up, we're not getting any younger and we both want kids. It also makes me feel anxious that it's unsafe and risky, not only for accidental overdose but also given his line of work (I won't disclose for privacy reasons). I say the conversation is evolving because most recently we've talked about it and he's said he's scared about losing this "young" part of his life. He feels he'll be able to give it up quickly when required, as he has a few friends who partied a ton and had kids and it completely changed them as people. Me? Not so sure, although I do empathize with this sense of loss.
Something that has started happening in the last 6 months is our friends who know us both pretty well have started coming to me, saying they hope he cuts the shit because I'm a catch and he's going to lose me– even multiple of our friends he parties with often. I've told him they've come talk to me about this and he was pretty shaken by it. He said in his mind he wants 2025 to be the year he gives it all up. In the meantime though he feels like the clock is ticking for this deadline which makes things worse for him, and he feels he needs to get it out of his system.
I feel so afraid and ashamed things have gotten this far. Sometimes he comes home and looks like a shell of the man I know.
TLDR; my husband uses cocaine multiple days per week, mdma most weekends he's off work and I told him it scares me for the future and he feels he'll be able to give it up soon as we're starting to think about having kids, but I'm struggling to believe it will be as easy as he thinks
I don't know what my question is Reddit. Maybe just a take on if others have gone through this and it's worked out in the end?
Edit: an additional detail is that he says he's addicted to the "socializing" aspect. He is very extroverted and loves socializing with lots of people, and he feels this is the reason he's going out and partying so much. I think he's fried his frontal lobe and his serotonin receptors are fucked from all the mdma.