Me (26M) and her (28F) met online 2 years ago. We followed each other on most social media platforms and talk there from time to time. Recently as I happened to move to her city she asked me out. We have been on 2 dates and hanged out with her friends once, and discussed the plan for the 3rd date. So far everything is going on great, at least from my perspective.
One night she posted on Instagram story her “music taste similarity test” with 4 people: two of her female friends, me, and a “secret best friend”. At this point I already had raised eyebrows since to me it must be her ex or something. (She tags her actual best friends all the time and I don’t think anyone would keep it secret if they are just friends) I joked about the result under the post about me, and we talked a little on Instagram, but we didn’t bring up the “secret best friend”. There is no way I could have offended her during this conversation. This is also our last conversation at the time of this post.
About an hour later she deleted the posts about me and the “secret best friend” but kept the other two about her female friends. This of course only made things more suspicious.
The next morning I woke up, I found that she changed her profile picture from her photo to a cartoon image, and posted a random story at 5am. Later in the morning her account disappeared. I checked with an alt account and couldn’t find her account either, which means it was not because I’m blocked, but she indeed deleted her account. I also confirmed that on all other platforms her account is intact and I’m not blocked, including Facebook which is our preferred channel of communication.
Later in the day one of her closest friends started following me. I followed back and from there I found her new account. I sent a follow request but she hasn’t approved as of now.
============End of the story============
I have little experience in dating and dealing with drama, and I’m very confused now, but one thing I’m fairly sure is that I did nothing wrong. The most likely explanation from my point of view, is that her ex saw the post and she was harassed, but I also feel there are a thousand other possibilities.
Regardless of the underlying story, I think I have at least 4 options, each with its own question:
1. Move on. (“Can’t get over ex” is a red flag but this might not be as a big deal as the more classical red flag behavior?)
2. Talk to her normally as if nothing happened. (Will this trigger her for being insensitive?)
3. Ask her directly. (How to phrase the question properly?)
4. Ask her friend who followed me. (This might be even trickier to phrase since I don’t really know this person well?)
What do you think was happening behind the screen? Which option in your opinion is my best next move?
**UPDATE**: She just reactivated her account and started posting stories as usual, after deactivating it for about 30 hours in total. In this case should I proceed with option 2? I feel that all other options would make me look like a low key stalker.
3 comments
Figure out why her friend connected with you and see if you can work things out through through the friend.
I’ll preface this by saying I am a generation older than you and might not understand the subtleties of social media going on here.
A friend changing their profile image, deleting posts, and deleting/deactivating their account is suspicious behavior. I might message the friend and just say something like “Hey, Jane seemed to be acting strangely the other day, is everything ok?”. It could be something to do with you or the ex, or may be completely unrelated like maybe she lost her job or something.
1. Given you’ve been connecting for two years now, I’d say this probably wouldn’t be what I would choose. I figure you have enough history to not drop each other over something like this.
2. If you’re certain this won’t continue to bother you, and she as well is talking to you like normal, then this isn’t a bad move to make.
3. I think this is your best bet. Again, two years of talking seems like enough history to be able to have open dialogue about nuances that confuse you or might affect your relationship.
4. This should be your last resort, and even then I don’t think you should do this. Involving her friends will most likely only make matters worse and is never a good idea.