Hi, this is the first time I post anything ever so I’m not sure how this works. Also, English is not my first language. I apologize in advance for any mistakes or
confusions.
My mom (38F) and I (20F) had a discussion yesterday, we were on our daily walk and mom started talking about a business idea she found on internet, I wasn’t very enthusiastic because I found the concept sketchy, and she’s usually trying to find business ideas but don’t go more than that. When I told her I didn’t think it was a great idea, she then asked me the question any twenty-something year old is afraid of: What are you going to do with your life?
I told her sincerely that I have no idea, I think about it daily, sometimes it feels like time is gnawing at me, and the anxiety makes me avoid all thoughts about the future. So I told her I try not to think about it right now.
She got mad. Agitated it’s the word, I believe; for the entire walk, she went on and on about how I have no motivation for anything, she told me that I needed to do something else so I can have more sources of income and learn to do more stuff than what I already know, so in case my career doesn’t work I have something else. She said I needed to be brave and start to do something with my life. She is right, of course, everything she said was true, that’s not the problem.
Lately, we’ve been having more fights and mom seems to get angrier and angrier; more so than usual. The thing about my mother is that she is very temperamental and she has a way with words that cut deep, very deep, she’s callous in that way; for this reason, when I get upset with my mother I prefer to not speak, I learned that it’s better to keep quiet, because if I let my emotions speak for me, I’ll make things worse. She tends to take my silence as anger, even though I’ve explained it’s so I don’t say anything wrong. When she started to berate me and I didn’t respond, she assumed I was angry. Of course, I don’t like it when she calls me lazy, but I wasn’t angry. One can’t be angry about the truth.
I guess the main problem is that I simply don’t know what the hell to do. With my life, with my mom and my family as a whole and the freaking world.
I just turned 20 a few months ago, I’m still in college (or university? I haven’t really understood the difference, in my country we call it Universidad), I’m studying accounting and I’m halfway through. I work in the family business with her (which is already another reason for our tension). I do my chores daily, but there’s always something wrong, lacking or not enough with what I’ve done. I don’t go out often (never), and she says I should but I feel like if I did, she wouldn’t be okay with that either. I never, ever ask her for money, or anything, really. But it’s never enough.
I’m not trying to say I’m perfect by any means. I am lazy in my free time and I have a temper of my own to rival my mother’s. But I just don’t understand why it’s never enough. What am I supposed to do?
When my mom started her business three years ago, I gave her my entire savings (which I earned working for another family member for months) for startup. I never once mentioned it, because she absolutely hates it when I “hold against her” stuff like that. Things were rocky that year, I had a scholarship that went to pay rent; I was finishing high school and I was thinking about taking a gap year to help the family, but mom convinced me to apply to college (university?). I was helping in the business without payment and when studying for the admission exam, I asked her for free time to study, she was so nasty. I understand she was stressed, she had so much pressure, I really understand, but the way she threw tantrums it was like dealing with my 8 yo sister. She threatened to kick me out if I didn’t pull my weight.
To be honest I wasn’t really motivated to work without payment, that was another fight; after the first year, she started paying me a little. When I got to college (I think I’ll stick to that) I needed more money, so she gave me part of her business: I was responsible to make a product and the profits were mine. It helped me big time, I’m absolutely grateful. I also sell other things in her store.
Two months ago, mom told me if I wanted to have a weekly fixed salary. I really thought about it, because that meant she would be my boss and she’s not the easiest person to deal with, much less to work with, let alone to work for. Also, I know her, she’s not the best administrator. But the promise of a secure income, along with my inability to say no to her, allured me, so I said yes.
These last weeks have been very slow in the business, she’s been on edge and, consequently, we’re picking more fights. She hasn’t payed me for two weeks and I haven’t mentioned it because I don’t want her more defensive.
While I was writing this eternal ramble, she came to me and said I needed to stop being so lazy. That I wasn’t of any help to her, that she doesn’t benefit from me at all. She said I lack of motivation because I never wanted for anything, that I needed to be hungry. I guess she’s right, but I don’t understand why she’s so angry.
Maybe because she had me at such a young age she thinks I’m doing nothing with my life; when she was my age, I was already two. Or maybe because she had me so young, she resents me. I don’t know how to appease her, I simply don’t know. Maybe it’s the eternal struggle of mom/daughter dynamic.
Sorry for the long thing! I needed to get it out there or I was gonna drown. I know I spend the entire post complaining about her, but I do love her, that’s what makes this whole thing so much complicated, she’s a good mother, she’s just not very motherly.
Thanks for anyone who read.
TL;DR: Mom (38F) thinks I’m (20F) wasting my life, even though I study, I work, I do chores and everything that corresponds me to do, I don’t know why it’s never enough. What do I do?