My husband (36m) and I (36f) have been together for 15 years. Over that time, I would say our marriage has improved in many ways – we have both sought out therapy and improved our communication. However, our emotional and physical intimacy is lacking right now. He is very invested in our marriage and family, but I’m feeling torn.
I have come to realize that I’m deeply hurt by some of my husband’s past behavior. I am angry that I tolerated poor behavior, or even sometimes enabled it. I think I’m at a crossroads where I need to get over it and let go of the resentment, or I need to seriously consider separation.
I’m looking for others who have had similar experiences, and what the outcomes were. Did you get divorced? Did you successfully let go of the hurt and resentment? If so, what did you resent about your spouse and what worked to get over it?
A bit more context into my hurt:
-I feel our partnership is very unequal. I do all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, dishes, etc., although he has really stepped up in doing 50/50 with our kids. My hurt from the past is that he was minimally involved with our kids as newborns and not as supportive as I would have liked when I was postpartum.
-My husband has anxiety and other mental health issues. He sometimes is particularly critical of me when having an acute anxiety attack, and due to how I was raised, I’m very sensitive to his critiques of me. I keep remembering a specific incident of him waking me up when we had a newborn and I was getting very little sleep, just to chastise me for not bringing our dog upstairs for bed and he had an accident downstairs. He knew I was exhausted, I never asked him to take care of the baby at night or in the mornings as I let him sleep in, and I couldn’t fathom the selfishness and complete lack of empathy for me in that moment. There are other moments, too. One time he didn’t speak to me for nearly 24 hours when on vacation with friends because he thought I revealed a secret of his to our friends, when in fact, he had been the one to discuss it while drunk and didn’t remember.