Hello everyone. Im still friends with my ex (M21) and I want to ask about dating again.
Our relationship was quite confusing when we were together. I was very depressed and had many repressed memories from sexual abuse in my childhood. He had a porn addiction and intamacy issues. This on top of my toxic family still very much being in my life. which led to a very co dependant relationship. Hell, we met right before covid hit and dated throughout the pandemic.
We dated for three years. I entered a paranoid state of mania when we broke up and we stayed together in a strange relationsip for about a month after. we were awful to one another, and I was very delusional about things.
10 months later, and were still friends.
It took us a while before we started talking again. But he reached out about 5 months ago.
Ive been doing some soul searching and realized im a nonbinary feminine leaning person. When we met i identified as male, but i dont feel this way anymore. I feel he wouldn't mind this change since i would ask him all the time when we were together if me becoming female would be an issue (i was in a lot of denial about myself.)
I relied on weed a lot to regulate my emotions and it made me highly emotional and clingy, he would act similar without weed and in own ways.
When were together, now that we've broken up theres a sadness to him. I was very shy when we met up again and only now am becoming much more relaxed and confident. I started work, have a new apartment im moving into tommorrow, and am in the best mental space Ive been in for a long time.
He was very stoic in our relationship and was clearly battling his own demons, but didnt know how to ask for help. I caught him watching porn a few times even after we had talked about not doing that. He lied to me several times, and would outright reject me
sexually after watching porn in secret.
These things effected me but we spoke about them and moved on. Hes recently quit his job and is now very spiritual. He does martial arts and is quite proficient. He seems happier, but lonely. I know he misses me. I just dont know in what way.
I check that website "unsent project" sometimes and i feel a few might be written by him. He listens to old songs I used to love and tell him made me think of us. I used to go on for hours about our future, about how I saw my love for him in everything.
One day he was listening to a song about falling in love again. He cut his hair after inadvertedly admitted to liking men with long or short hair (hed been growing his out during our entire relationship, hed only buzzed it after I showed him a tiktok with someone who was my type with short hair, i just thought the video was cool.) He tells me about how much he enjoys spending time with me often.
I have deep feelings for him. I tried dating apps for a little bit months ago and all i did was compare him to others. I used to sing to him, kiss his forehead everynight, trim his mustache, and massage him. Hes a bigger person and thats always been my type, he made comments while we were together about never finding anyone else to love him again because of this.
When i see him I just want to be with him the way we used to be. In many ways i took his love for granted. I just want another chance but I dont know how to ask or even touch the subject. I just buy him lots of things while were out. We always have presents for each other, we eat out and it feels like a date.
I need help on figuring out what to do next. I want to date him again. I still love him and dont have eyes for anyone else. Im finally becomimg myself and I feel that version of me is growing with him rather than against. How should I ask him about dating again?