When in a conversation, i try to put up a performance, or act like a clown, just to prove that "im funny" or "cool" or "interesting" or "likeable"
Many have said to get hobbies, or join clubs, or learn more about my interests, basically do the things i enjoy even if they seem small, and enjoy my own company.
If i dont like/love myself who will?
And i think the lack of interest in my self is reflecting on how interested i am in others.
Never been interested in other minds idk how to because never tried it
I acted nice just to be accepted and expecting them to love me and like me, i people please and chase their approval and validation and attention just so they accept me and like me so "i feel good about about myself" basically i turned this into a life goal and my purpose, because it doesnt require any effort and its "easy"
The only thing i offered was "nice" which is not enough to build a connection or "make friends"
I was only interested in "what i would get" and when i wouldnt get it i would feel worthless, or "not good enough" "boring" "uninteresting" "unlovable, unlikeable", it made me feel like "i am not good at anything" "no one is interested in me so im worthless"
Idk how to be truly interested because i never tried to be, never wanted to be, i wasnt even interested in myself, or like myself or love myself truly and expected others to "fall in love with me" "like me" "chase me" "start conversations with me"
I tried to bypass "self improvement" or "working on myself"
I thought if i got others interested in me "i would be whole, complete"
But now i know happiness can only come from within, and internal practices
I been repeating negative self beliefs in my head for way too long and they are based on my experiences or what others have told me to the point i believe them, and only cared about porn and video games because these gave me "dopamine rushes" which is why these affected my conversations, i wasn't interested in anything else.
Rn i like history, books, astronomy, tv shows, music, programming, instruments, photography, conspiracy theories, sports, traveling, solving puzzles but idk how to talk about any of it. Or have a conversation around those.
My approach to friendships and relationships isnt working, which is why rn i should focus on what i want truly, what i want my life to be like, which qualities i should work on, and finding hobbies that arent on the internet and are in real life. I want to work on my identity, i want to forget about making friends or connections and get out of the mindset of "performing for them" to be liked so i feel good about myself
Im tired of neediness, desperation, chasing people, and getting nothing out of it.