(30F) I’m just really hurt right now. It’s a long story, but I’ve been dealing with a lot in the last year and a half.
I’m unemployed and have struggled to find work. I live at home where I’m a caregiver to my mom who is on at-home dialysis and has chronic pain. My dad will be retiring soon and stressed about doing my mom’s dialysis treatments every day. And on top of that we’re trying to get our house ready to sell so my parents and I can downsize.
I have a boyfriend (28M) who is really sweet when he wants to be. And we’ve been dating a few months now. He likes cuddling and joking around, and we have a the same long-term goals (marriage, kids, etc.) because we just wanted to be on the same page before becoming official.
But I know I made him upset with my panic attack tonight.
He’s aware of all of my issues and helped me through one panic attack a week ago very well. He was reassuring and respectful, saying that he understood that I’m dealing with a lot of depression over my circumstances. And I was very grateful for his kindness.
But this time it was different. He also has ADHD, and hyper-fixates on his video games. I’m used to that, and it’s not typically an issue. But we were spending time with his friend (26M) (who also has ADHD), so they were invested in the game while I was having a very sudden panic attack in my bf’s bathroom and bedroom only to collapse on the floor.
I had already brought up a different concern earlier that day that he and I worked through. So I didn’t want to bother them. As a result, I cried silently for 1 full hour before my boyfriend found me.
And instead of being kind and understanding like he was during my first panic attack, he was annoyed even though he didn’t admit it. He and his friend tried to cheer me up. His friend was more sympathetic by saying reassuring things. But my boyfriend said just to join a support group before comparing my behavior to his “crazy ex-girlfriend”. He said I wasn’t as bad, but that was still a terrible thing to say. Even his friend said that wasn’t helpful, which I appreciated. But my boyfriend didn’t take it back or apologize for it.
So I decided to go upstairs and talk with his mom and older sister. Due to financial circumstances, my boyfriend is living with family too. And his mom and sister were very sympathetic and understanding. They explained that my boyfriend is a good person, which I know to be true. He works hard, tries his best to be there for others, and generally means well. But they acknowledged that he can be unaware of how poorly he treats others, especially to women when he wants to look like the tough guy in front of his friends.
After that, my boyfriend drove me and his friend home. They tried to joke to cheer me up, but it wasn’t working. My boyfriend got even more frustrated when I apologized for making a scene, even though he said it was fine.
He once again brought up the idea of joining a support group. And I know that it was his way of trying to help, but his annoyance was very evident. And now I’m afraid to talk to him for a while.
I know a part of it is my medications are probably no longer working and I’ll be contacting my psychiatrist tomorrow to schedule an appointment. But I’ll be discussing this with my psychologist tomorrow too for sure.
I may have to reevaluate my relationship with him. Because while I love him dearly, and he truly has so many qualities I want in a partner, I shouldn’t have to accept this behavior.
There are other concerning behaviors that I need to discuss with my therapist as well – countering my opinions, making every date idea his choice, rarely acknowledging when he is wrong.
Luckily I’ve talked to my therapist who has given me good insights into how I should communicate with my boyfriend given his ADHD. I just hope that the session goes well. She says that there is potential for us, and that there are no red flags/issues that can’t be fixed over time. But I’m just concerned because it may be one of those “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” moments. If he can’t seem to handle me when I’m upset, then he doesn’t deserve me at my best.
I’m happy to acknowledge where I’ve made mistakes with what happened last night. But I need some time to myself to get my anger under control.
He and I have plans to go out either next weekend or the weekend after. Between his jobs and me having to celebrate family birthdays the next couple of weeks, I won’t be able to see him. So at least I get a break to cool down.
TL;DR, I had a panic attack and my boyfriend, who was understanding the first time, was angry with me for it. And despite my apology for causing a scene, he’s still annoyed with me and I’m afraid to talk to him. I’m going to talk with my therapist about this though as well as other concerning behaviors.
EDIT: Thank you everyone for the advice. I know I shouldn’t have expected him to take care of me in this situation, which is why I apologized to him for it. And I know I need to stand up for myself more as well and focus on other things that need addressing more. So your advice has been very helpful.