Throwaway as I don't want to link this to my main.
TLDR: my boyfriend and I have massively different sex drives. The amount is just a little problem, my feelings and his actions I guess more. I have trouble telling him what is wrong with me again and I would like some ideas how I can bring this topic yet again. I don't want to lose him. We truly love each other…
I (28F) am quite lost about my relationship with my boyfriend (27M).
Maybe posting it here will help. Idk. There's a lot. I haven't been feeling down in a while, but today I do and today is especially hard. I have it difficult to refrain myself from crying at work.
I love my partner deeply. He's the most charming man I could dream of. He's very attentive, loving, caring. And he's very intelligent and passionate about his work. He's my first and only. (I am his first but not only.) I love him dearly. And I know he loves me too. A lot. He often whispers to himself '' I love you '' when he feels strongly about it. Usually it's not even really audible but I am pretty sure he said it. He loves to make me laugh and giggle. He'll tickle me a lot to annoy me but I like it anyway. He loves when I am able to sleep in for once during the weekend. When I am feeling sick he just takes car of everything. We've been together 9y now. Anyway. The only thing that is not okay is the sex. This is not new. In fact it's a problem that has been discussed already several times in our relationship. I have never really been into sex, maybe because I have never orgasmed? Idk. I don't masturbate. When I try to, I feel disgusted about myself, and I get disinterested and I stop after one or two minutes. On top of that, I apparently have my ''internal'' walls that are pretty ''flat'' and not ''rippled'' according to the gynecologist so I get very quickly irritated from friction, even fingers. No, this is not from a lack of lubrication.
My partner has a high sex drive. We mainly do it for him. Most of the time I am tired, but either I give him head, or a hand, or we just do it. Usually I can keep up 1-3 times a week. It's okay.
However the very few moments I want to do it, even a little bit, but we end up doing it for him usually because I end up getting irritated down there anyway and my desire fades away. I think those are the moments that kill me emotionally the most. Today is one of those days. But today I feel really, really down.The thing is, I never tell him I want him even on the very few times I do. I think I should but I just don't and I don't know why. It almost never happens anyway. Even though he doesn't say it often, I know he wants me, like, all the time. Also usually even when I like it and I feel good I start to feel burns after a while. When this happens I I try to push through anyway because it won't be long he's pretty quick. But for me it is long. I try not to show it that I am again irritated but sometimes he notices, sometimes not, but anyway still he continues or I tell him to finish it's okay it won't be long anyway and I love him.
I mainly feel like a f**kbag to him even though he loves me very much (I tell he really does love me deeply). When he strokes me, I want to give him back the affection but I feel conflicted because it almost always leads to us doing it even though I don't want to. I am scared he'll feel rejected by me. I don't want him to feel frustrated by sex again. I want him to love me. I hate it when this happens.
There is so much more history between us about the sex, which I haven't put out here but that helps set a bigger picture but if I put it on here it will be very very long.
I love him so so much. Like so much. He's such a wonderful person. Like truly. I feel so lucky to have him. He's my world. I would do anything for him, I love his smile, his goofiness. Everything. But it's only that one problem. The sex. Only that. And I feel like it's killing me slowly. Why can't I have a higher sex drive. Why can't I have a normal genitals. It would be so perfect. Even though I tell him it's okay, actually it's not. And I am so sad about this.
I just don't want him to see that I am feeling bad yet again because of this. We've had this conversation multiple times already. I said I would make an effort and I think I do but I fear it's not enough for him. He's doing some considerable effort too. Mainly he's really worked on himself to not do it every day. Because before that, when we didn't live together yet, we did it every day. I have to acknowledge that he really put in the work, I feel better when it's not every day. At least I don't feel overwhelmed like I used to. But I still feel some pressure somehow. I feel like I am not enough. I am afraid I'm starting to get overwhelmed again like I used to. I know he struggles too. He thinks I don't love him like he does because i don't feel like having sex with him. I've told him it's not him. I feel so bad for him. I love him. But I know he struggles with the fact that I don't desire him the same way he does. I jokingly said that he could explore his sexuality with other people, men or women. Because I am sexually quite boring. I don't really care if he does elsewhere as long as he still loves me the same.
I just don't know what to do. How can I talk to him?