Hey there. I’ve been dating my current girlfriend for about 10 months now. I’m 33M.
Her and I get along well together, we spend a lot of time together and I have had thoughts she could be the one. She is from a foreign country so she has no family or deep friendships here. She’s a very kind soul, she cares a lot about people and she takes very good care of me. And I find her to be beautiful as well and our sex is great.
Lately though, we have run into some issues. I work a lot, I have a full-time career and I am also working on a startup at nights/weekends, so I work about 60+ hours a week give or take. Her on the other hand, she works about 4 hours a day and not very ambitious in general. I overlook that though because it’s not a high priority for me for my girlfriend to be super ambitious, I prefer bringing home the money as that’s what I grew up with as a kid and is what I’m comfortable with.
Yesterday, she spent the day with me in my apartment. She only worked 3 hours while I worked about 12. At night, she comes out telling me how I’m taking her for granted and I don’t make her feel special. I’m just very confused as to what that means because we spend literally every weekend together, I invite her to my family events, I introduced her to my friends, we make plans for the future together, we speak every night etc. I feel like I’m just not enough for her or something. Like girl, it’s a Monday and I work full time, what the hell are we supposed to be doing?
She then went on to say that she is wondering if I’m the one or if there are better things out there. Which I understand, we live in NYC and there are always options. At 33 though, I am pretty tired of dating and realize that the illusion of something better is out there is just an illusion. So perhaps I’m settling and she is seeing that. There are things about her that bother me but the positives far outweigh the negatives and I feel like I can be myself with her. That being said, it hurt when she said that. Maybe I am taking her for granted. I just don’t know what more I can be doing. I am generally not a very needy person emotionally, whereas she is, and I’m wondering if I am just not thoughtful enough or can really give her what she needs there.
There are deeper values about money what we differ on as well. She has no problem paying half her monthly pay on rent in a desirable area, whereas I’m looking to invest in multifamily real estate and start building wealth even if it means I am a few more stops out from the hot areas of the city. I want her to live with me and she wants the same, but I get the feeling she has one foot out of this relationship when she says it. Like in a “yeah I want to try that” sort of way, not “omg I can’t wait to live with you”.
On top of that, I’m pretty scared shitless being 33 and single again and back at square one. I generally don’t enjoy dating, it’s just going to distract me from my work and other things I want to do and it’s a lot of stress. I have a pretty crappy mindset around it despite the fact that I’m attractive and have a good job etc. I just don’t feel like doing it. I’m lazy and perhaps that could be contributing to this as well. There could be something better out there for me as well but I almost don’t care at this point. There is always something better but you have to decide to commit and give that up eventually or you’ll be alone forever.
I’ve always been pretty terrible at making a girlfriend feel like she’s special or that she’s the only one in the room. I’m pretty selfish, I’ve been mostly single my whole life and changing these habits has been difficult. I don’t know what to do and can feel us getting more distant despite being very physically close. I care a lot about her, but don’t know if the love is enough and sometimes feel like this relationship has run its course.
Just looking for thoughts or advice here, any little bit helps.
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**TL;DR** In a relationship for a while that feels like it may have run its course. What to do?
8 comments
She’s asking for too much. She may be too young for you.
When was the last time you and her went on a legitimate date? Or a an evening of activities in the city?
I am also someone extremely ambitious. I work 40-50hrs a week in my primary job and work on a ranch as a second.
My boyfriend also works hard. We don’t live together. He ocassionally plans dinner nights where he will cook me a full course meal, or we will go out dancing on a Friday night even though we both work in the morning.
Do you know what her love languages are? It sounds like it could be quality time. And quality time can be more than just spending time together at the apartment, or going to family events. Sometimes it needs to be more personal and engaging like date nights and mini adventures together.
That’s a lot of words that can be summed up by saying that you and your girlfriend are not long-term compatible. You’re looking for a settled life of working and the occasional date night, and she’s still wanting that fun 20s life.
>I generally don’t enjoy dating
But your girlfriend enjoys dating. She doesn’t want a boyfriend who is too tired to go out.
Have you asked her how you should make her feel special and how you’re taking her for granted? Maybe she’s not asking for much, maybe she is. You said it yourself
>I’ve always been pretty terrible at making a girlfriend feel like she’s special or that she’s the only one in the room. I’m pretty selfish, I’ve been mostly single my whole life and changing these habits has been difficult. I don’t know what to do and can feel us getting more distant despite being very physically close.
Just ask her and then try. Do you feel like she’s taking you for granted? Is she making you feel special?
It sounds like she wants a partner who spends more time with her vs. one that works 12 hours a day while admitting to being “lazy” about relationships (but likes that she “takes good care of” him), is bad at making his partner feel special, and is scared of being single again because having to date would distract from his work. She is not your priority in your life, your jobs are. It sounds like you both have different life goals and priorities and the incompatibilities are showing after a year.
Stop dating women in their mid 20’s who want to act like women in their mid 20s when you are 33 and want someone who acts 33.
>So perhaps I’m settling and she is seeing that.
I think that’s true.
Her: “I don’t feel like you have a connection with me. I don’t feel like you think I’m special.”
You: “What’s wrong with that? Sure, there are things I dislike about you, but I’m okay with those things, because I’m 33 and don’t want to put in the effort of dating someone new, in a futile attempt to find greener grass. You aren’t ambitious, but your ambition doesn’t matter to me. You waste your money on living in the hippest neighborhood, which doesn’t gel with my real-estate plans, but I don’t really care that our long-term plans are incompatible. You have so many great qualities as a person and I feel comfortable with you, so I’m willing to overlook our incompatibility. I spend lots of time with you, which means I care. So, if I can overlook your foolish insistence that I dote on you on a working Monday while you lounge around not working, surely you can overlook the fact that I’m pretty much just settling for you?”
(To be clear, I don’t think you’re a villain, or shallow. I believe it’s mature to overlook negative qualities in favour of positive ones. But those negative qualities should NOT be about life plans, or overall view to life. You do women a disservice when you overlook their lack of ambition. Have higher standards. Maybe you want a traditional relationship where the man brings home the bacon and the woman takes care of the household. But she doesn’t sound like a woman who wants to do that. You think she is immature, needy and frivolous. You aren’t doing her any favours by ignoring that, and pretending she will morph into a stay-at-home mom, or a woman-behind-the-successful-man, or whatever. She can pick up on that.)
She’s telling you she’s not ready to settle down. Listen to her.
She’s not into the multi family house on the suburbs and a family is out of the question for her. She’s just at a very different page of the relationship than you are. You’ve got to understand that you’re ready to settle down and grow roots somewhere. You need to find a compatible woman who is thinking and feeling the same.
Don’t be too terrified at being single and 33. I didn’t meet the love of my life and twin flame, partner for life, until I was in my early 40’s. Like your current partner, I wasn’t ready to settle down nor didn’t I want to. Until I hit my really late 30’s I didn’t even think of that. So, I let anyone go who got way too serious. In other words, I get where she’s coming from. Nothing wrong with not wanting to settle just yet. You can’t force anyone to settle with you if they don’t want that yet.
However, it’s best you move on to find someone who is way more compatible for YOU.