My bf (M31) and I (F30) have been in a relationship for two and a half years. We moved in with each other just after the one year mark. Our sex life, imo, had been healthy and great. We were regularly having sex three to four times a week.
A little before we officially moved in together something was clearly bothering him. After talking to him for a while he finally expressed that he wasn’t entirely happy with our sex life and wanted to try some new stuff. I was 100% into that and dove into research on what we could do.
The issue is that nothing really came of it later. I eventually assumed everything was fine. He has since come to me twice again saying he wants to “spice up” our sex life, gives some suggestions but never follows through with it or acts weird when I try to.
For example, he suggested we try lube. I bought some and gave it to him as a gift. We tried it once and he acted weird the whole time. We never used it again. He suggested going to a sex shop. We passed one on a drive so I pulled into it. He acted weird and uncomfortable the whole time and wanted to leave. He eventually said it was because there were a ton of pictures of naked girls in there and he was uncomfortable looking at that with me. He suggested sending each other porn for ideas of what we would like to try. I sent him a video, he seemed to enjoy it.
The other evening, we were in bed and he suggested him picking one to try together. I agreed. He then spent a good 15+ minutes just looking through before saying he couldn’t find one, he didn’t know what to pick and that he didn’t want to be “judged.” I told him I wouldn’t judge him and I’ve told him this several times. He kept looking and I eventually just picked one for him. We watched it and he asked if I wanted to watch another.
He then spends 20+ minutes looking, not being able to find anything. He eventually picks a video of a guy and two girls video, starts it, and asks me if I think the guy is “hot.” I was kind of taken aback by the question and answered “kind of” because the dude was not my type and kind of old. He then asked me if I found the two girls “hot” and I said not really because I’m not into girls that way. He said “you can still find them hot” and “it’s ok if you do.” He then closed the video and kept looking for ANOTHER 20+ minutes. At this point I’m just confused and tried to pick a video and he said he didn’t want that one. He eventually picked another video of a guy and two girls which we watched and then had sex.
It was a really, really weird experience and I’m not sure what to even think about the whole thing. I want to talk to him about it but I feel like he may get defensive or feel “judged.” He has a thing about feeling judged and often thinks I am judging him or other people are when that’s not what is happening.
How can I bring this up to him?
43 comments
He doesn’t have the maturity to actually do grown up sex things (GUST). If you don’t point these things out when they happen you will be stuck with a man-baby. Or is it baby-man? I forget.
I’m a 40F. I can feel your frustration. It puts you in a difficult position when you’re open to trying new things that HE specifically mentions and then he seems to shy away from them.
This is just my view going by what you’ve said in your post and my own personal experience. I believe when he says “spice things up” he’s not really meaning in the way things have played out. With his choice of videos, along with the conversation about whether you found the women hot, he’s wanting to bring up the idea of a threesome with you and another woman. Which may have been where the concern with judging him also comes from.
“I’ve noticed you seem to be interested in expanding things in the bedroom, but at the same time you appear to be very concerned that I will judge you or that your interests will upset or turn me off. It’s hard to communicate clearly when I think we are supposed to be participating with each other in sex, so I wanted to do it now when there’s less time pressure. Is there something you watch regularly that would help you if I acted it out for you? Is there something you watch regularly that is just a good visual that helps you enjoy sex, but you don’t want in real life? Are there things that you’ve wanted to try in bed that you think I will judge you for or react negatively to? It doesn’t mean we have to try them, but I’d like to know so that if things aren’t across a personal border for me I can do everything I can to fulfill your sexual needs and desires.”
An alternate way around the last couple sentences would be to clearly discuss your disinterests or boundaries. “I’m happy to try anything other than x and x. I don’t enjoy x or x, but I’m open to pretty much anything outside those things”.
Sometimes if people are hesitant to start a conversation and you’re the more open/confident one you just have to do it yourself. Those methods tend to be pretty well accepted in my experience. If he won’t open up and get’s weird about it you have the answer you’ve been waiting for. That he’s not going to and either has something so pent up that he won’t talk about it or is capable of looking at and engaging in sex but not speaking about it. At that point I’d either give up on things changing or see if he would be open to seeing a sex coach/therapist.
Your bf wants a threesome, wt you and another girl. Ask him straight up. That’s my take anyway, I could be wrong. However, he has said, more than 1 time. He wants to soice things up, you try to do so, take him to the adult store and all the while he’s uncomfortable. You finally get him to pick out porn and both times it’s 1 guy, 2 girls. I think he may want to invite another woman into your bed and have you be okay with it. Even watch you kiss, or have oral wt another woman while he fucks you both, etc etc. And he could possibly be into ass play and doesn’t know how to bring it up. He shouldn’t be uncomfortable in an adult store wt his partner and he shouldn’t be claiming he’ll be judged , unless he is worried you’ll flip when he suggests bringing in another person. My bottom dollar, your bf wants threesomes, or at least a threesome
He sounds insecure. He wants to try things but backs off and loses confidence and definitely fears being judged.
Not sure what he was getting at with the whole “is he hot?” thing…But I would tread carefully with someone so insecure because you never know what trigger you’re going to set off.
Maybe start a conversation about if he has frequently felt judged in the past, then move onto his inconsistent behaviour and ask him why. Reinforce that you won’t judge him and that you want clear and continual conversation about your shared sex life so you can both work on it and enjoy it to the maximum. Best of luck girl!
I kinda get the whole porn thing. My wife also watches porn but we don’t really tell each other what kinda porn we watch. We’ve gotten more open but the first few times we put porn on it kinda went the same way. It can be hard to find a video you want to watch the whole way through, but also not weirding out your partner. One day she asked why I kept putting it on boring vanilla shit. That was an eye opener.
He low key wants a threesome with you and another girl.
If I had to guess he has some kind of shame issues with sex. Not sure why lube would upset him.
Will echo what a lot of other people are saying but keep it short.
Your boyfriend seems very insecure. He knows that you do not want a MFF threesome but is trying to make that happen in the only non confrontational way he knows. Indicating that he wants more spice and wanting you to suggest the threesome by coming up with different ”activites” and slowly try to get you to warm up to the idea.
Thats why the initiatives you take that does not result in what he wants is met with the cold hand.
I know from my own experience that it is extremly frustrating to try and make progress with someone that cant just communicate clearly. But for your sake, be the grown up and force the communication needed here
I’m not sure if he is really trying to hint at something specific or if he’s just really insecure. My wife and I have been together for 20 years, and only in the last 3 has our sex communication blossomed. Since then we’ve both opened up about our sexual interests including some very difficult topics. What finally got to me was my wife saying “I honestly don’t care. I care that you’re having a hard time with this, but this specific act/idea I’m not bothered by you having it. I love you which means all of you. And if I did care, this one little thing like this doesn’t negate all the other reasons that I love you for”
He’s not confident. He has ideas but thinks he will be bad at it or put you off.
He needs to work on that, but I think he’ll need some support to do so.
Often people without confidence will act like this and expect you to be psychic
Sounds more like he wants to ask you for a threesome just based off of that, but from another angle…
Sometimes a guy’s insecurity will get the better of him. My wife was fine introducing porn even though she never watches it. I realized quickly that I feel more self conscience and am too in my head when watching it. I was wary of picking something that would make her feel self conscience, or point out that I enjoyed looking at bodies unlike hers. None of that bothered her though.
There is a male actor that I knew would be her type and even though she barely looked at the screen and was focused on me, I felt less than anyways. I was comparing myself too much. It’s like I selfishly want her to enjoy something like that without enjoying it that much. Not a great mentality to have when involving other people in the bedroom (even when the other people are just on a screen).
i think its because he wants these things but feels self conscious when you are enthusiastic about it too, just let him do the planning and dont try watch porn together again. hopefully his confidence can get better, if not it may effect your relationship.
He needs to learn how to communicate and bear his soul about his fantasies. Communication is the key to any relationship and nothing should be hidden .
I honestly think the best suggestion would be to talk to him that’s the only way you’ll know without doubt cause anything else is speculation and opinion it’s a tough question cause I’ve been in his position myself and I was embarrassed about what I thought was appealing when I was horny cause it was completely different from what I feel when not clouded by rush of chemicals in the brain. It’s really a touchy area but I wish you the best of luck hope it pans out for you
He wants to have a threesome. He’s ashamed by it, he judges himself and projects that onto you, and he is clearly unable to communicate his sexual fantasy to you. For these reasons he will currently almost certainly not be able to handle the reality of a threesome. Keep watching FMF and MFM porn with him though, maybe he’ll open up a little.
He could honestly just feel insecure from what I took from it. Being feeling judged or embarrassed or anything like that, and the whole “is he hot” comment imo is out of pocket
Watching porn together for the first time can be awkward. Finding something that works for both of you is a challenge. It’s frustrating when you have no problem finding porn on your own and suddenly you’re trying to find something that works for both. It’s really awkward and uncomfortable when your partner isn’t into something you are.
He’s also in a very vulnerable position. There’s a lot of shame around sex and kinks. He’s apprehensive about telling you what he likes because he’s likely had a traumatic experience sharing his interests.
Watch porn separately and share ones that you like and see if you like each others.
I think it was much easier when you could go rent them and look at the box and decide what looks interesting together. That always created anticipation and excitement.
You should be having regular conversations about sex before you ever consider doing it together. Even once you’re in a regular relationship, you need to have regular check-in with each other and share everything from fantasies the frequency, needs and wants, likes and dislikes, role-play, and toys, lube, boundaries, concerns. it’s crazy how many people will do intimate things, but are afraid to have a conversation.
If you are going to watch porn together, you need to watch porn that also interests women. This is called “couples friendly” porn, and it is an actual movie that has a plot to it. Many porn videos today do not have a plot, though. You might try soft core porn that has a simple plot. Examples of this come from the Italian director, Tinto Brass. One of his “couples friendly” films that you can get in an English version is called Cheeky, from 2000. Also, the Golden Age of Porn from the 1970s produced some “couples friendly” movies. One good one is Molly (Sex in Sweden) from 1977. Note that some versions of this available online have been censored. Check for a run time of 1 hour and 33 minutes or longer.
If I’m guessing dude wants a threesome with another girl
Funny he focused on the two girls. I think you accidentally found one of his kinks
The judging thing is weird but everyone has their own insecurities. It would bother me more than you’re making an effort to reach him and he seems to shut down the more you try. Maybe he doesn’t want you to initiate things, or he gets in his own head when you do that you’re just doing this for him and he feels guilty?
There could be all kinds of shit going on, but maybe instead of trying to read his mind he could act like a grown man and learn to use his words and ask for what he wants? I am not sure how long he expects you to keep trying various things but I would imagine your patience is not infinite, he needs to get his head out of his ass and start talking about what he wants or needs.
Scrolling and skimming through the comments and story, it frankly reads like you two just aren’t sexually compatible, which is fine. A lot of couples just aren’t and it’s why a lot of people try open relationships. If this isn’t an option, don’t be afraid to break up with them
He clearly wants you to be turned on by the girls and not the guys…. That’s just weird
I have shared MFM porn with my wife, and I find it to be erotic and arousing, but I’ve more than made it all too clear that it is purely and totally a fantasy for me and not something I ever, ever want to actually do with her. OP, it sounds like your BF wants to actually bring in other people.
Honestly just sounds like he has ideas that he’d like to try but his mental game is still hesitant and honestly while you’ve been together a while, it’s really not that long to really be completely comfortable with bring that vulnerable. Each person has different levels of being vulnerable. I’ve been with my husband going on 13years and it has been maybe the last 6 that I’m 100% open to do anything. We went to a lifestyle club 8 years ago and I thought the idea hot but actually going u was very uncomfortable. Now we go quite often and have a blast. After just 2.5 years I don’t think I would have felt comfortable watching porn together.
When he was looking for porn it sounds like he was struggling finding somthing that he thought you’d like and not judge him for. But your response of “I guess” to the one he found definitely wouldn’t have boosted his confidence in it. Maybe next time jump in with him and help find one, take the reins a little bit so he isn’t struggling and finally gives up. Confidence in the bedroom can be very fragile and easily crushed.
Try having him watch porn while you go down on him
He wants more, but don’t want you thinking he’s a pervert of some kind. He is not comfortable with what he wants for some reason and until he understands and accepts on his own he will have this difficulty especially with his issues about judgement.
You could try to work it out of him, but he will probably block it because he will think you only believe he needs to open up because you judged something of him.
One real possibility is for you to just lead and show “some perversion” of your own. Not actually be a perv, just show him that more ppl, especially you are into some spicy stuff as well. Kind of lead by example and see if this wild scared animal comes to sniff you hahaha
I suggest you watch some nuru massage videos and try something like this with him, since he said he “wanted to try lube”.
I think he wants a threesome.
Did he grow up catholic or religious? Could be religious or shame trauma.
Your boyfriend sounds very insecure. I hate this kind of passive-aggressive behavior. I’d call him out on it and tell him to grow up. Tell him that you have no problem with his fantasy life of MFF but that it’s never going to happen. You don’t owe him that if you aren’t into it. He needs to grow up and quit communicating like a man baby.
I think what he is trying to tell you is he would like to have a threesome with you a other women
It sounds like he has some hangups about sex. I wish I could suggest something better, but I think it’s best you both see a sex therapist.
I’m wondering if “spice things up” means what he wants is a three way. If those are the videos he’s choosing snd he’s telling you “it’s okay to find girls hot” even when you just don’t.
Or he has a “thing” fetish/kink that he’s pretty sure might make you uncomfortable. He doesn’t want to risk telling you.
You being helpful doesn’t help because you’re not going to accidentally stumble on whatever it is that turns him on the most.
You should lead him on the porn. The rest of it, he’s excited but nervous that you’ll judge him. Which definitely happens. Tell him to be more courageous, and know that it will be amazing if you just take baby steps
Bro wants a threesome.
Unfortunately this is indeed the death of the relationship.
Your stance is clear and his stance is clear.
You don’t want a threesome period.
And he seems to be constantly hinting at a threesome and is saying he wants to “spice it up” so…this is not going to just go away for him. At least not willingly or if he is forced to…very begrudgingly.
I would always give people the benefit of the doubt right. So if I were you and I needed the smoking gun to determine the future of this relationship? I’d just straight up ask him “hey so I’ve seen you like watching threesomes, is that something you want to try?”
And whatever he says will basically help you decide the best path forward for you. I would even take it a step further and ask him “did you have someone in mind?” Because not to freak you out but there’s a chance he does have someone in mind. Could be a friend of yours or someone he knows or is talking to etc. good luck
My guess is that he’s freaking out about moving in and the realization that he will probably only have sex with the same person for the rest of his life. He’s overwhelmed and looking for a way out. If he gets you to accept threesomes then he can legally keep sleeping with other women and that alleviates the pressure. It’s one thing to be in a monogamous relationship. It’s another thing to face the idea of a lifetime with only one person.
I think I am not alone in saying that guys will doom scroll to find just the right video. Maybe he isn’t sure what his kinks are but you could also ask him what it is he is looking for when he doom scrolls and give him a shot clock or you get to pick the next one.
I wonder if he actually wants an MMF threesome but doesn’t know how to raise it.
Maybe he was trying to pivot from the concept of FFM to MMF.
Or it could be he wants you to dominate him, peg him, water sports or something else he is secretly ashamed of.
Maybe try out being dominant and see how he reacts.
He’s def. not sharing some details. Try to find a time when sex is out of the question, like maybe after finishing sex, and cuddling or some other close scenario and see if he might open up. He might want to ask for a threesome. Or he may want to try something with a guy. He might want to share you. He could have a porn issue.
Or most here could be right and it’s strictly shame. But he should feel safe with you after your encouragement so far, which begs the question what is it he wants to tell you but is afraid to say.
My guess . He knows what he wants but clearly as anxiety or shame associated with it . Which was pretty much said multiple times. Hopefully you can find a way to get him to open up.
If you guys have sent videos back and forth. What if a day when your home alone. You message him, telling him it would make you super horny to know his wildest dirtiest fantasy. And that you want to touch yourself to it. Have him send a video over. Worth a shot lol
From everything you’ve said, I get the impression he is insecure and wants a threesome.