My post blew up and there were many updateme comments so I wanna to update. I read every single comment but there was too much to reply to.
To clarify some things:
– No, I didn’t have pictures or screenshots of the snapchats or onlyfans. I was so upset I didn’t even think about it until afterwards and I thought there would be another chance to get them. I realized I fucked up.
– For some of my early comments, my brain was still reeling. I am 100% leaving my husband, to make it clear. It took me some time to come to terms with what was actually happening and the fact that I was in denial but reddit helped me get there, so thanks.
The comments were about 50/50 split between talking to a lawyer or my husband first. The reality is that I didn’t think I had anywhere else to go at the time and I was so emotional last night and felt like I needed to know. I wanted to confront him and rip off the bandaid. He called me while I was still at work and I ended up telling him we needed to talk. He seemed thrown off by this and cancelled plans to stay in. I didn’t get home for almost 3 hours after that, crying and deciding wtf to do. Ultimately I went home. If you’re ever in the same position, don’t do what I did.
I wanted to follow the advice of many comments by basically saying “i know about her”, but I really wanted to get pictures of the evidence first, so I planned on playing it cool, saying never mind all is okay, until we went to sleep and then sneaking back on his phone. I shouldn’t have said anything on the phone but my emotions got the better of me.
But when I walked in the house, I immediately felt like he knew that I knew. He said “What’s up” super standoffishly, just seemed off and whatever I said on the phone must have tipped him off. Either that, or he was able to tell that I was on his phone in the morning somehow, pretending to be asleep? I’m not sure.
So I couldn’t control myself and got super emotional and confronted him on the spot. I asked if he had onlyfans (it was the first thing out of my mouth) and he literally said “No. What did you want to talk about”. I told him I knew that he did and he denied. I told him I went on his phone this morning and scoffed and walked away.
I followed him crying and screaming that I knew he had only fans and snapchat that I was leaving him and finally cried out something about cheating with his students. When I said that he immediately turned around and asked what the fuck I was talking about. I told him that I knew about The Girl (18F) and his face genuinely turned into somebody I don’t know. He immediately began yelling in my face that I don’t know what I was talking about, how dare me accuse him of sleeping with his students, that I’m crazy and trying to ruin his life. I was screaming at him back.
I told him to open his phone and prove it and he laughed in my face about how stupid somebody would be to do what I’m accusing him of and basically threw his phone at my face and said “knock yourself out”.
As people can probably guess, there was nothing. He definitely knew before I got home. He was logged out of snapchat and when I asked him to log in and stop lying, he logged into a different account and asked me if I would “drop it now”. The first one had just 18F and a few AI account things. This one had all his old college group chats and other people (including me). He gaslit me and swore he didn’t have another account. He even suggested that I dreamt all of this.
At one point he finally “admitted” that he subscribed to an OF for a streamer during one of our intimacy lulls but never a student and he swore he lied because he loved me and doesn’t engage in that kind of behaviour anymore.
It was just hours of lies and gaslighting. He said that he knew which student I was talking about but that he’s never spoken to her or taught her. He didn’t recall the movie theatre incident and accused me of imagining it too. He denied receiving a snapchat at all a few nights ago when I first saw it. He denied acting shady the days before. He denied everything.
I was absolutely disgusted by him the whole night. As the conversation went on, he started to talk about how he’s going to get us marriage counselling, that my trust issues can be worked on and he would leave teaching if it’s what it took for me to stay, but never admitted to anything with a student.
Admittedly, I was starting to get a bit of a gaslight fog about the situation, believing some of what he was saying, but when he volunteered to leave teaching, I KNEW it was worse than I knew. Because teaching is his everything, he gave up an amazing opportunity which would have made him 3-4x the money and way more recognition to teach and has never complained about his job a day in his life. We both know he loves his job more than he loves me. If this was truly all a misunderstanding, or if it was a one-off with a graduated non-student, I just think he would do more to protect his job and his career, he wouldn’t just leave over crazy behaviour from me. That immediately told me everything I needed to know – that he was panicking on the inside about me leaving and me telling people. Maybe because more happened with 18F than what I know, maybe because he’s done this before, I’m not sure. But he fucked up bad.
It’s so late I was so exhausted and I feigned agreement in working through it and told him I could move past it but I was obviously lying. I need time to get shit in order. He is sleeping in the guest room tonight. I told him I would need a lot of space and he said he was okay with that. He left is phone in our bedroom for the night as a “peace offering”. I hate his fucking guts. I have so many things on my mind right now: what the fuck to do, how to get a lawyer, if i should tell my family, if i should tell the school, the fact that I have no proof but I KNOW what I saw. Ugh. The fact that I’ll be 33 and divorced. Above all – the fact that my husband may have slept with this girl (that’s my gut telling me, because he kept repeating that he would never sleep with his students, over and over, when I was using words like cheat with, look at porn of or sext with).
So that’s the update. I was gaslit and lied to. I got no sleep last night but still went to work this morning to get away from him. He hasn’t texted me or called all day. I want nothing more than to go to the school with this info, my heartbreak is gone and i’m just angry and disgusted and want to right his wrongs, but I need him to admit to it so I can know how bad it is and I don’t think he will. I was thinking of telling him that I reached out to the girl (I’m not going to) and see if that freaks him out enough to come clean, but what if she doesn’t know/he’s using a fake account? Or just saying I have proof, even though I dont. Anybody have any good ideas? In the mean time, looking for divorce lawyer asap.
tdlr: found proof of husband snapchatting/subscribed to students only fans, but now all evidence is gone and he gaslit me. Have no idea where to go from here besides start the divorce process.
EDIT: I am quickly edited to add (because so many people are saying I don’t need proof to divorce) and I know that. I’m leaving him 100% regardless. But I really want some proof. I want to prove to him that he can’t lie to me and get away with doing this. I also think most people in his life will not believe me without proof. I’m scared of my name being slandered and him getting off scot free or maybe even making me the bad guy for falsely accusing. I also want to know the extent because I NEED to know if he is sleeping with students or just being a creep.
EDIT 2: Thanks for all the comments, this blew up even more so I won’t be able to reply to all. Have a meeting with a divorce lawyer at 4pm, will act accordingly based on their advice and will update tonight.