I (24M) have been with my girlfriend (27F) for 4 years. During this time she has forgotten my birthday twice (dont really remember how my birthday went in 2020 though so im not going to count that one) . We love each other a lot and I would say that our relationship is very healthy. Her forgetting my birthday is not out of malice or not caring about my birthday, it’s just something she struggles to remember (usually its just because she got the date wrong by a couple days) and every time she’s forgotten shes always been extremely apologetic and scrambled to make the day special. This year I was pretty confident that she’d remember as she had mentioned in conversation that my birthday was coming up. However, she has gotten incredibly busy with a recent windfall of work that has come her way and a close friend that has been needing some emotional support over the last few months. In that shuffle I think she has totally forgotten as she told me that she is planning a weekend trip out to see her friend on the weekend of my birthday.
I don’t want to stop her from going as this friend is important to her and has been going through some really hard times, and they have been trying to figure out a time to get together for a while now, with this being her only weekend between work trips that she would be able to make it out to them for the next month or so. I don’t care about my birthday all that much, and everytime shes forgotten I’ve waited until just after midnight to poke fun at the fact that she forgot and then we both have a laugh about it. It does hurt a little when she forgets but shes always so apologetic and remorseful about missing it and always makes up for it. Honestly all I want is for her to remember, even if it’s just a happy birthday text and a promise that we will do something fun when she gets back. But I think it’s fairly likely that she won’t remember till she is out there and I tell her the day of, which i know would cause her extreme amounts of guilt and self loathing. And I’m sure her friend would also be blaming themselves for causing my GF to miss being with me on my birthday. I don’t want to guilt trip anyone, and ruining their trip is the last thing I want to happen. But at the same time, I’m hesitant to remind her pre-emptively, because who wants to feel like they need remind their partner about their birthday? Plus it feels bad to assume she is forgetting without giving her the time leading up to my birthday. What should I do in this situation?
42 comments
She’s going on three times? That’s fucked up. How hard is it to just put an annual reminder in her phone a week before?
It’s pretty clear she doesn’t give much of a shit about your birthday despite wanting to appear like she does. I think you’re better off just making plans and explaining later that you are upset thag she booked plans over your birthday.
I wouldn’t say a word beforehand. You’re making up excuses for her and should stop. She hasn’t done anything for your birthday in the time that you’ve been together. Her apologies are performative. She doesn’t feel bad at all. She has not taken steps to prevent repeating these mistakes. Your birthday simply doesn’t matter to her. I’d be shocked if this was the only example of your GF’s failure to prioritize you and your needs in the relationship.
Does she forget medical appointments, especially if they are a few months out, like dentists? If not, there’s something wrong here. She doesn’t use a calendar?
I’m HORRIBLE with dates. Reason 234 on a list of 500 I LOVE about my husband is that he reminds me of big dates.
Just remind her.
She has a calendar on her phone. She can put your birthday in her calendar and have it set to remind her so many days prior.
There’s no excuse for forgetting a birthday these days when she can add it to the calendar on her phone and set up as many reminders as she needs.
You should remind her that she scheduled a trip to see her friend on your birthday
You’ve been together long enough that she shouldn’t forget. She could remember if she really wanted to. Apparently she doesn’t
Honestly, what you want is for her to remember your birthday. If that’s the case, doesn’t reminding her defeat the purpose? She’s forgotten it more than once now. You say she’s remorseful but she didn’t take any action to prevent it from happening again. Phone calendars and reminders aren’t complicated and you already said she mentioned it once.
Or maybe she did. It would certainly be a decent idea to plan a surprise for you under the guise of forgetting again. Personally, I’d give her the opportunity to demonstrate that she did take corrective action and made sure she remembered. That will mean a lot more to you than having to remind her of it. Then, whatever she does is going to feel disingenuous, even if it’s not. Especially since you don’t really care that much about your birthday anyway. Don’t take the opportunity to redeem herself away by reminding her.
Don’t say a word. Have a party for yourself and your closest friends while she is gone. Maybe you’ll find someone who deserves you. Leave the ballon’s up for her to find when she slinks back home. This is a power play on her part. Happy birthday 🎉 and good luck. Update us please.
I really don’t understand how hard is to simply put in a Calendar. Every phone has, or you can simply make a note. Forget one time ok, but three? For me is pure laziness.
Undiagnosed ADHD enters the chat
My husband forgot my birthday one year. He was very busy with work, but my birthday is on an easy to remember holiday so…eh. I was upset because my bar was extremely low (a specific gift and a happy birthday before he left for work) and he was upset because he felt horrible for forgetting and making me sad. It sucked all around.
If your partner is great in every other area but bad at dates specifically, I’d say go ahead and remind her. We do stuff to help people we love, and not reminding her is just setting you both up for a terrible weekend. It does suck that’s she’s going to forget without you. You’re allowed to be upset about it. But don’t let it also ruin your actual birthday! Remind her what you expect “hey i know we won’t be able to celebrate on my birthday with you out of town. I’ll let you take me out wherever you want X weekend and you can worship me then ;)” and then plan whatever treat you enjoy for yourself on the actual day.
I think she just doesn’t give much of a crap about your birthday, it takes 30 seconds to pull your phone out and add a date into the calendar.
When she mentioned the trip, I would’ve just asked, “You’re going away on my birthday weekend?”
I have a terribly forgetful girlfriend as well, but she makes sure that she adds notes down for important dates and I don’t want her to miss my birthday because a) it’ll make me feel like shit b) she’ll feel like shit and c) she doesn’t do it out of malice and I don’t want to “test” her.
Personally, I’d bring it up casually. As you said, she doesn’t do it out of malice and what is the downside of you bringing it up? If you don’t bring it up and she does forget… then it’s a lot of bad feelings all around.
It’s not too hard to remember someone’s birthday, but at the same time I’ve forgotten my own multiple times so 🤷🏻♂️😂
Not everybodys brain works the same. Her forgetting your birthday doesnt mean anything about how she feels about you. It just means shes forgetful. Even if she set a reminder on her phone shed probably end up panicking last minute about it.
Just accept and love her, along with her quirks, including her forgetfulness, and just give her subtle reminders. “My birthday is next friday and i still don’t know what I want to do” something like that.
If she has plans for the weekend of your birthday, and didn’t talk to you about that specifically, it’s probably safe to say that she’s forgotten about it.
What do you actually want to happen on your birthday this year? If you want her to be involved with it, remind her. Let her decide how to juggle that with the trip – maybe she reschedules the trip for next month, or you agree to celebrate your birthday together on a different day.
But you don’t want to be stewing alone on your birthday because she SHOULD’VE remembered. That sounds like a bad time for everyone, and a recipe for resentment.
You need to have a conversation about how much it’s been bothering you that she forgets your birthday. If you haven’t made a big deal out of it in the past, she probably doesn’t know how much it bothers you.
If she’s otherwise a loving and attentive girlfriend, the forgetfulness probably isn’t because she doesn’t care enough about you to remember. Is it possible she has ADHD? That might be something to discuss as well.
Don’t cover up her laziness. Calendar reminders exist for a reason. And with her having so many trips and busy days, I am sure she uses calendar to remind her or her tasks regularly.
She just doesn’t care about your birthday. No matter how ‘apologetic’ she is afterwards.
Honestly if she acts like she has forgotten again, you should express your concern and call it quits. Unless you want to waut 1 more year to see if she will finally remember your birthday.
Does she remember her friends birthdays?
Different opinion here, life’s too short to sweat small stuff like hoping someone spontaneously remembers your birthday and getting upset when they don’t, and then they get upset/guilty. And what should just be a day you contemplate being alive turns into this fraught thing. Just tell her, youre both adults here.
How is she with other peoples brithday?
Do she forget everyone or just you?
For all you know her plans might be a smokescreen for a suprise?
A mistake made more than twice is a pattern, not a mistake.
It genuinely just seems like she does not care. Like everyone else has said, she could put it in her phone calender, set an alarm for a day beforehand. She’s forgetting yours now and in the future it’ll be your kids if you have any. It doesn’t seem like she forgets things that are relevant to her. Don’t tell someone show they don’t care twice
“Honey I’m looking forward to my birthday this Friday”
“Honey can you get me xyz for my birthday on Friday”
“Hey honey we should go to xyz restaurant for my birthday on Friday”
Also add it into her Google calendar so it’s there forever.
I think it’s clear that this upsets you more than you’re letting on. The fact that you wait until just after midnight, when it’s too late for her to have done anything to fix that situation, to let her know she’s forgotten is a very interesting detail, and one that I think is a little manipulative. I’ve done very similar stuff and it’s a classic passive aggression move. Not that you don’t have a reason to be upset…
you’ve been together for 4 years and she can’t remember your birthday? In the age of pencils and paper, let alone smartphones, I’m not sure how she can’t seem to commit that one day of the year to memory. I’d be upset in your shoes as well.
Tell her how you feel, because this is bound to be coming out in other ways. If it’s not, then you’re being a doormat and you should probably start standing up for yourself.
Hmmm, this could be because she has a mental hang up on remembering birthdays/important dates, or she may be planning and surprise party, or she may have completely fucked up again.
You have two choices:
First is to straight up remind her.
Second is to wait and see if she remembers or not.
I would probably take the first option if I wanted the relationship to continue. That would give her the chance to make it up to you. For example, if she still takes the trip, she could mail a nice gift to you at work and have an extra special delayed birthday celebration.
I would take the second option if I was tired of the relationship in general and doubted her commitment to point where IJDGAF and would probably break up anyways. You may not have been a big birthday guy, but it would grate on me and grow into a bigger problem. It sounds like that’s what’s happened for you.
Ultimately, remembering your partners birthday is the lowest of bars, sure we all fuck up sometimes, but doing so repeatedly shows that she doesn’t prioritize remembering it. If she did she would have set up multiple reminders on her phone either of the last two years immediately after she realized she had forgot.
I’m terrible with birthdays for no reason, just my brain loving a block. I started a notes page on my phone with important bdays. My partner has ADHD and we have a magnet calendar on the fridge so we can plan.
I hate to say she doesn’t care, because she obviously feels bad, but at the end of the day she didn’t care enough to do anything about it or make any changes, not only once, not only twice, but three times (I’m counting 2020 bc all you’re asking for is a text.)
Idk man, you don’t have to break up or anything but let her know it really hurts you. Don’t just say okay but make some consequences so she knows it’s not a trivial thing. If you keep saying oh no worries she’s might take you at face value so just say what you mean. If you’re pissed say you’re passed, if you’re hurt say that you’re hurt. Don’t try to spare her feelings over yours. Tell her she’s hurt you by not caring enough to even send a text on your bday for your *entire relationship*
If she still doesn’t care after that… idk man it doesn’t look great does it?
It’s extremely hard to put down a birthday on a smart phone. It really does take a genius.
At this point I am might enjoy way more just making peace with the fact that she will forget the birthday and just enjoy her scrambling attempts to make your day special. When a person who doesn’t care much about birthdays cares so much about the fact that you do and tries to somehow make up for it… it sounds endearing. I may have a bit twisted personality and I myself do not care about birthdays so I’m very biased here. She could put up a reminder of your birthday in her calendar and get it right, but It does sound more special when she forgets about it and tries to make up for it :). Anyway…
Take care
Take care
Discuss it and know that unless there’s a surprise party coming up (unlikely) if her brain wasn’t fogged as your fearful of, she likely would’ve mentioned something like “we will celebrate you before/after the trip”.
So I’d like to be clear too, I this convo, you’re not reminding, you’re asking if she’s forgotten. Then you can proceed based on that response. Assuming/accusing/reminding she has forgotten will cause a defensive reaction regardless if it’s true or not, simply because she’s prone to it. If she is planning a grand gesture, can still cause this defensiveness. She won’t see the patterns she caused relating to your accusation, just that she’s silently trying unnoticed and now can’t ruin the surprise.
If you ask, and do so nicely and openly, something like “what do you think we should do for my birthday this year?” She can’t react defensively to that. She is forced to give you an open answer.
I’m sorry to say, but I think based on your post stating how you feel about bdays not being a big deal is what she’s seen and probably glued to. Rather than your reaction of when it was missed. Maybe it’s only important to you that *she* remembers it? If that’s the case, you should clarify that to her, it will stress her importance in your life. If thats the case she’s officially replaced your mom honestly, and not in a bad way. I kinda feel like that’s how you know you’ve found love. You stop worrying your parents will forget your birthday, and worry it’ll be your partner instead.
All that said, of she still doesn’t get it this year or even next… decide if it’s differential treatment or not, and then also how much it really bothers you. If this is her biggest fault and it’s isolated to one time a year, can you deal for whatever awesome she does bring?
>Honestly all I want is for her to remember, even if it’s just a happy birthday text and a promise that we will do something fun when she gets back.
Send her this. Say hey let’s celebrate my birthday when you get back enjoy your trip make great memories and talk to you on “birthday”. Simple effective and hopefully doesn’t make her feel bad. Then do something special on her return. I hope everything turns out fine.
Dump her. She doesn’t respect you. Or your birthday. If she can’t make the time to remember then she doesn’t respect you.
Mate, I have not forgotten my anniversary, wife’s birthday or the date we first stated dating in 33 years. Nor have I forgotten my daughter’s birthday in 23 years. Your gf is just as lazy af in this relationship. It’s not hard to remember a date.
She either needs to pull up hers socks or you bounce. I wouldn’t say anything. Just wait even after your birthday has padted. Say nothing. Wait till she remembers on her own. See how long it takes. It should tell you how much she cares.
Good luck.
You could’ve easily brought it up when she mentioned her plans to travel that weekend. Not sure why you didn’t other than the desire to “catch” her forgetting again. Yes, it sucks that she has this habit, but at this point it feels like you’re testing her.
I have a feeling you are way, way too nice to her about this is why she keeps forgetting it. If it’s important to you, don’t just say “no worries!” or whatever you say, hold her accountable. Express some displeasure.
Why do I keep seeing versions of this same story? Don’t make your loved once pass the birthday test. FFS, just talk to them and plan something together. If you want a party or dinner out, it’s fine to say “let’s try this new restaurant for my birthday dinner.” It’s fine to say “my birthday is next weekend. Will you make me breakfast?”
If it’s not a big deal, why not just suggest something like “should we celebrate my birthday on x day since you’ll be out of town on the actual day?”
Life’s too short to sweat the small stuff. I hate the whole waiting until midnight to remind her she forgot. Like why? If it’s the one thing she struggles with, help her. We all have things we struggle with and our partners should be happy to help rather than quietly wait for us to mess up.
Some possibilities:
1. she is very forgetful, and she will never remember important dates because it just isn’t that important to her. She places little value on such things. If it is important to you but not for her, you may be incompatible and probably have different love languages.
2. she isn’t as into you as you are to her. does she remember other things? if she remembers other things but mostly forgets things you value…. you aren’t that important.
I wouldn’t mention it and see if she does and when and go from there. As we grow more comfortable with each other and the relationship becomes safer and seemingly more permanent these kind of things get worse not better… so if it is bothering you now.
what would be her response if you just stop acknowledging some special days? If she’d get upset because you stop celebrating Valentines day, birthdays, most anniversaries…. what her response be… perhaps she doesn’t value these events, some people don’t, if she doesn’t and you do, once again may be incompatible. at some point you will have to communicate how you both value, celebrate, and what each expects.
Dude, in your OP she’s already missed a few times. Yet you still try to say that it’s not because she doesn’t care. Guess what dude… she doesn’t care. She remembers every other little detail of her friends lives, but not her own BF’s birthday.
Here’s what you do. Have a huge birthday bash. Make it epic. Make it so epic that she’s PISSED she wasn’t there for it. Make sure there’s video of you having a HUGE bash and having a great time. And just at the moment when she lays into you for having such an epic party without her, simply tell her “What are you talking about? It was my birthday party. Everybody who cared threw the party for me. Did you not know that it was my birthday?” then walk away.
Just make sure that no matter how hard she tries to make it up to you, nothing she can possibly do would measure up to the party you had. You might be apprehensive because you don’t want to lay guilt… but she’s done this a few times now. She needs a healthy platter of guilt. She needs to choke on it.
If only there were things called calendars and datebook where even the most forgetful person could get reminders of important dates! /sarcasm — anyhow, if she wanted to remember this, she would. This is what is known as a red flag.
This happened to me too. Don’t make it a game. Tell her now: “You know, it would mean a lot to me if we did something on my actual birthday, as a couple. Can we plan it now to make sure it happens? I’m the kind of person who really likes birthdays and it would mean a lot to me. It doesn’t have to be a big thing, it’s more the gesture you know? Even if you can’t be there, maybe we can schedule a little FaceTime?”
Sure, she should try to remember your birthday.
But let’s be practical – are you going to purposefully let her forget your day again out of spite? Do you really want her to spend the evening feeling bad for forgetting ad you to feel unimportant that she forgot? Or would you rather just ask her if you should make the reservations for your B-Day dinner or does she already have that covered? Something simple enough to make sure you *both* have a good day.
in the ideal world an SO will be considerate and remember every occasion, for everything else there is mastercard, er, I mean taking care of things yourself.