My husband made me feel a little uncomfortable yesterday. We’ve been engaging in anal for a couple months and it’s been fantastic never thought it be my thing but it totally is. I always use saline enema to clean so he doesn’t get anything on his junk cause that’s pretty gross. So we started making out and getting each other aroused. So after awhile he makes his way to my ass and pulls out my butt plug and tells me something along the lines off I need to clean up again and I was a little embarrassed and disappointed.
I was disappointed because I’m normally always pretty good at cleaning in there. I went to clean up again and I was feeling down on the toliet. I didn’t really want to engage in anal after that. So I told him and he said “ well you can’t just tease me like that.” Just the way he said it made me feel uncomfortable like if he said stop at anytime I would stop.
So I proceeded with anal but I wasn’t really enjoying as much as when we started. It was consensual I suppose I just felt a little turned off and still wanted him to enjoy himself.
Our sex life has been much better these days and I’d hate to ruin the streak by possibly telling him how he made me feel.
He’s never said anything like that in the past at least to my knowledge.
Am I being overly sensitive or are these feelings valid? I may just be overthinking. Any advice would be helpful.
Edit: I get the vibe maybe I’m not communicating this well but I’m not mad about the having the clean my butt again just disappointed and slightly embarrassed it is what is but the part that I am uncomfortable was how he went about the second part.
46 comments
Sometimes things like this happen. Try expressing ur discomfort to ur partner..he will understand.
Your feelings are valid, that’s the exact same thing as some men claiming they’re victims for being blue balled for years and years on end. Just tell him the truth, say you didn’t want to get a reaction out of him so you went ahead and did it even though you weren’t feeling it anymore and explain how next time he can do better.
Your feelings are valid and communication is key. Don’t do things you’re uncomfortable with just because you’re nervous about what your husband will say—that’s when things start getting toxic.
Just remember that you’re not going to ruin your sex life at 22. You have a lot of years of exploring and evolving in the future—together.
I am sure he is a big boy and can handle some feedback
I think you were being a little oversensitive about him asking you to clean up again. It sounds like he did it nicely, and when it comes to anal, that sometimes happens. It’s nothing for you to feel bad about.
However, once you were out of the mood, for whatever reason, it was shitty of him to pout about it. I understand why you’d be uncomfortable with his reaction here.
I would tell him how that made you feel.
It’s literally a poo pipe. If he can’t handle a tiny bit of poo he shouldn’t be playing there.
You are completely right and he needs to grow up.
Jesus what going to happen if you have kids and need help after birth?
I’d let him know it’s not ok. Maybe have sex in the shower but it’s your call. You can’t possibly know if there’s going to be a bit of ‘residue’ left.
You are not an ass cleaning robot. Sometimes spots can be missed while doing the job. He should help you instead of shaming you or being an asshole about what comes out the asshole.
Your feelings are very valid, and if he wants anal so bad then he should probably learn to expect that from time to time.
I couldn’t fathom my wife going through the trouble of getting enemas for it and STILL making a comment about it.
You state that the idea of him getting poo on his dick is “pretty gross,” yet you’re also mad that he wanted you to clean up a second time so such a thing didn’t happen.
You can’t have it both ways. It seems like you two both like anal but are super weirded out by the idea of poo making an appearance. That’s fine. A lot of people are like that.
But if that’s the type people you are, both of you have got to have the absolute right to call a halt to the proceedings if you have reason to believe poo is about to show up, or has shown up. Your husband did nothing wrong, and you should not be upset about it.
Anal is one of those things where either party can get grossed out quickly and unexpectedly. When that happens, they have a right to call time out. This is true with everything, actually, but especially anal. My recommendation is you both keep doing it but with the express understanding that if either person needs to call for clean up on Aisle 2, that’s totally fine.
Tell him. Boundaries are important.
Men say stupid shit sometimes. Tell him that it made you feel uncomfortable and that you don’t want him to speak to you that way again.
I think a lot of the comments you are getting are missing the point of your post. Plenty of people engage in anal, experience the same thing, and deal with it and carry on or put a pause on the night.
The issue that you’re expressing with your husband making you uncomfortable by applying pressure for you to perform sexually when you didn’t want to continue. I don’t think you’re being overly sensitive – you were in a vulnerable position, your feelings were not expressed, thus your anatomy was not respected.
This is a pretty serious matter.
Talk to your partner and determine if this was a miscommunication and he was attempting to be playful and continue the scene, and simply wasn’t aware of your discomfort.
The other option is that your husband is going to push you through any discomfort for his own sexual enjoyment. He would rather you put up with something you don’t want to do in order for him to receive pleasure.
You’re both married pretty young and this is something you’ll need to sort out ASAP before anything can progress.
If it’s the first situation, a heart to heart conversation about how you felt, how he reacted, what both of you intended, and how to plan to express and deal with these issues moving forwards needs to happen.
If it’s the second situation, that is genuinely dangerous for you and will worsen. If he reacts defensively, brushes off how you felt, and doesn’t seem to understand the scope or care to act on it, that’s red flag central.
I sincerely hope you’re both able to talk about this and come to an understanding to move through this together.
Maybe oversensitive about the cleanup, not about the rest.
Shit happens with anal. Don’t feel like you did anything wrong to cause the mess. Sometimes that ruins the mood for one or both, and that’s ok, especially when it’s new. Hubby should have accepted that anal play was done for the day, especially if you were ok continuing other play or helping him get off.
If you’re worried about conflict with hubby, tell him that the mess wasn’t your fault, but got you out of the mood for ass play. Say that you have to be able to change what you’re doing in bed when it’s not working for you, and then ask what he would do next time to avoid you being the only one to go outside your comfort zone (continuing anal) to avoid him going outside his (stopping anal when you lost the mood). Hear him out, and give feedback on how any compromises land for you.
Ok so if you are doing anal you can’t get your feeling hurt if he notices and mentioned hey you might need to clean up. To be honest he probably didn’t care and told You for your own piece of mind so you would not feel better later if it came up. And yes you felt uncomfortable because you think he was being selfish but to him he just wanted you you feel
As confident as always. As a guy married for 20+years has had anal a lot it is an extremely intimate thing also desired by both partners usually. I bet he figured I’ll just try to let her know so she feels comfortable and then we can go back to love making. Don’t over think it, also bringing it up if you say something g like I want to take a break from anal after this even in his male brain it will mean sto anal forever and eventually something you love to do will stop. And when dealing with the rear door of fantasy will Someone be a little messy of oops don’t worry about it don’t over think just enjoy it. You are doing everything you can to make it clean and fun but sometimes your body has other plans. And again let me say this again he does not care all he cares about is making sure you are enjoying it and that you feel
Comfortable with the act of anal.
I understand, maybe you feel like you failed somehow by not staying clean enough. It’s important to remember we are all humans, not barbies. Crap happens, yknow. You probably could have used reassurance in that moment, but he didn’t realize how you were feeling. Share your feelings about how you have been trying to be clean on the go for him, and how disappointed you were that despite your efforts, it still wasn’t clean enough that time and that made you feel bad. But these things happen, and reassurance from your partner isn’t too much to ask. Could he be more involved in the cleanup instead of sending you off to deal with it alone? Perhaps make it part of the foreplay, that way you both can be sure you’re ready.
My go to comment for these types of things is: You can’t go over to poop’s house to play and complain when poop is home.
My partner says… if you are going to play in the mud expect to get dirty….
I do nothing extra for anal play other than be extra diligent in wiping my arse after doing a shit.
We make sure there is somewhere for the plug to go if it is dirty and baby wipes if we want to change where things are going.
Listen when you have anal, there’s always a chance that they’ll be shit down there. Think about where you’re playing. It doesn’t matter how clean you get. It part of your digestive tract. It’s going to happen whether you’re comfortable with it or not. You have to get over it and move on. It’s part of life.
I’m gonna say it. Literally poop comes out of our butts. So when someone is like omg! There’s still poop in your hole, I’m like. No shit, it happens! The only way to get through this without continuously being bogged by it is to communicate your feelings and needs, he’s grown. It’ll be okay.
This is not fair to your husband. He does not know how you feel. He obviously did not intend to make you feel that way. But you have to talk to him or you can’t expect him to make you feel differently.
Coerced consent is not consent.
First step, think of how he could have communicated better so that you would not have been down. Stuff happens in relationships when I make a sandwich usually my gf likes it, but sometimes it doesn’t come together as great.
I want her to tell me that. But may be not throw the sandwich floor or yell at me.
So it was ok for him to ask to clean again, but he should have done it in a way that doesn’t put you down.
Simply giving him feedback that you felt put down is consufing to the receiver, so suggest how that could have been better. Preferably talk in a loving tone
Girl, you can’t go knocking on shits door and expect shit not to be home. I strongly suggest telling him this, and that his comment fucked with you a little bit and made you feel insecure. He’s a big boy and if hes mad that you’re telling him that him telling (MID SEX MIND YOU) you that upset you then he can kick rocks. How would he feel if right before you rode him that he needed to wash his dick, and then turn around and say “come here big boy” like????
These feelings are totally valid- I would be the same way!
Just tell him OUTSIDE the bedroom occasion that there may be times you’re not into certain things– even IF you started out open to them, things happen and we end up not wishing to continue– for LOTS of reasons.
And, that he needs to honor your no in order for your yesses to count.
No matter how well you clean, always expect there to be a little something lingering. Your husband should anticipate this too. Knock at shits door, shit answers. But also communicate. Holding things back can cause resentment, which in my opinion is one of the hardest things to overcome in any relationship. You deserve to feel loved, respected, safe and valued.
There’s two problems with this situation and both are with HIS behavior.
The first one is he was not every delicate, and a little imperative, when proposing that you clean up again, even if you’re paraphrasing. If it’s absolutely a deal-breaker for him to see some poop, he should simply tell something like “Sorry, there’s something left… If you want to clean up it would be nice, if you want to stop it’s okay too”. He was not attentionate or open AT ALL here, he treated your sexual practice as a program which had a little glitch and that you had to repair.
The second one is he guilt-tripped you into sex. Your words about it say everything. “You can’t just tease me like that” then you’re telling us that “if he said stop at anytime I would stop”. It tells us **you wanted to stop and he didn’t care**.
No wonder you’re feeling bad: he followed his “script” and was dismissive of your feelings and agency.
He needs to apologize and to learn to listen to you and respect your boundaries.
These comments remind me why Reddit for the most part is terrible for advice and likely ruins healthy relationships. You can feel how you feel but you have to understand you are also being overly sensitive and took a non malicious comment of cleaning up in a way that affected you. You can’t blame your husband for that when he was just communicating openly. Now if he was like “you dirty af eww go clean your ass” then yeah I would say that’s messed up.
The not wanting to continue to have sex and him insisting could just be he didn’t know how much you felt affected by it. Again regular communication shouldn’t affect you to the point of crippling shame and shutting down and since he knows he didn’t mean it in a harmful way it went over his head. You have to as a person learn to express your self better to get a point across. It was clear miscommunication from the beginning from you distorting what he said because the way you are built (nothing wrong with that, we all have insecurities and weaknesses etc. just gotta work on them as at some point you have to learn how to self regulate your emotions).
Important for people to remember both sides are usually somewhat uncomfortable and unsure of themselves. People say and do things without knowing how they come off all the time. Communication is the only way to know how it was received.
Hi gay man here. I always tell people-don’t plow the field if you don’t want to get dirty.
What happens happens. I have cleaned fully out and my body still will be like lol – no.
He needs to grow the hell up lol. My wife and I have anal sex almost every time we have sex and she doesn’t even use an enema. 9 times out of 10 nothing happens and it’s clean. We just shower afterwards to make sure and it’s fine, but yes, once in a great while I do end up with something on my dick. Yes it’s a little gross but it’s the name of the game. I absolutely love anal and I’m grateful I have a wife who loves it too so it’s not the end of the world. It’s never that much and I just wash it off. Seriously, he’s being a baby. Enemas aren’t good for you to be doing that frequently and he’s lucky you do them. Like I said, my wife and I don’t even bother and most of the time, everything is fine. Put your foot down. He can handle it and he’s a guy. He’s not going to want to give up sex lol.
Your husband wants to put his penis in the hole you shit out of. You can clean as best as you can, but it’s still an asshole. There’s bound to be something. My husband would have said nothing to me personally. It clearly didn’t put him off from proceeding with anal.
Stand up for yourself. You are allowed to change your mind at any point in any sexual act. There’s nothing “teasing” if your mind has changed and you don’t want to do it anymore.
Tell him how you’d like things like that handled in the future and explain that the way he said it put you off.
I was married, in my honeymoon, my newly husband loved everything about me except my body tag. I have body tag that hung my anal. It’s small but he didn’t like the appearance. He told me to have a surgery. I wasn’t happy about that comment since my previous partner never noticed. He kept telling me that I am beautiful in every way except that thing. After 2 months marriage, I actually file for divorce. He refused but I annulled that marriage.
Let me just say that I’ve never had anal sex. I’d be down to try, but my wife isn’t interested. So, I respect her feelings and I don’t even mention it. She’s plenty freaky in other ways and I’m 100% satisfied. But, if we did engage in anal sex, there’s no way I’d say that mid sex unless the smell was unbearable. At that point, I might say let’s try a shower. But what he said mid sex was hurtful and caused you to feel like a piece of meat for the entire session. His reasoning is pretty shitty (pun intended).
Would he ever complain that he got vaginal secretions on his dick? I think I would say if you can’t get over a little poo, we’re no longer having anal sex. Now is the time to stand up and communicate your thoughts. He sounds like a giant asshole, but maybe he’s just young and dumb. In either case, you have to let your feelings be known so this doesn’t happen again. Next time you need to stop during sex and shut that shit down. If you don’t communicate, it sounds like this dude will push you past uncomfortable without a care in the world.
As a middle aged dude that could be your father, I’m concerned about you in this relationship. I hope this is a one time thing, but the fact you weren’t comfortable telling him to stop is a huge problem. If my wife stops moaning or seems to check out for a second, I double check with her. If that answer is ever she’s uncomfortable, we would stop immediately and would cuddle or talk about it. I could never for one second pressure my wife into doing something sexually that she wasn’t genuinely interested in. I’m hoping your husband is just a bad communicator and not the selfish asshole he comes across in this post.
Communicate, communicate, communicate. In all areas of your relationship, both of you need to prioritize better communication. Have the talk today.
I think its a bit of both. I think you shouldnt be embarassed about your butt not being clean. Its the butt.
He might have been able to say it in a more polite way, but its hard to say.
When engaging in buttstuff its important that both parties are adult about it and understand that it is where poop comes out so accidents will happen.
In porn the poor girls have a lot of work to do before making an anal scene, that stuff isnt viable for normal sex.
He felt comfortable telling you you need to clean more, so you should feel comfortable being blunt with how you feel to him.
I don’t think it’s wrong of him to tell you that you need to clean more down there like others are saying, how else would you know. It becomes wrong if he’s not providing an environment where you can tell him your dislikes too. You clearly make him feel free to say whatever he wants, should be both ways.
Once he starts critiquing your bits, you can critique his communication skills. Don’t treat it like it’s fine if you don’t feel fine. It’s respectful to yourself and to him to be honest when you’re hurt.
Yes. Shit happens. It didn’t seem like he was being rude either.
Husband or not, if you’re letting a dude buttfuck you, he has the responsibility to be gracious about it. As long as you’re not full-on shitting on his dick (unless that’s your guys’ thing), he has no place complaining about you not having a completely sterile rectum. When you go to the shitty party of town, you can’t be surprised to find a few turds living there. And when you go to where the poop lives, you can’t be surprised to find the same.
Tell him how he made you feel. Otherwise, he’ll be emboldened to treat you like that all the time.
I mean that’s just part of anal. If he can’t handle a little tiny mess once in a while tell him to stop doing it or buck up.
Your feelings are valid, and should be validated by your partner. The key is figuring out what you were feeling and sharing that with him.
I can only offer guesses as I’m not you and don’t have your life experiences.
Maybe you felt shame for being told you weren’t desirable in a very vulnerable position. Not feeling desirable can feed fears of rejection.
Maybe his comment about teasing made it feel like if you cannot keep him satisfied he might leave you, which is coming from fears of abandonment.
You mention being worried if you tell him the truth about your discomfort and disappointment that he might withdraw and/or withhold sex from you. Sounds like that’s coming from a place where you’ve seen this pattern play out either in this or previous relationships. You feeling like you have to walk on eggshells to keep him happy in order to not abandon you (physically or emotionally). That is a common challenge couples face and is part of something called a negative cycle. It would be amazing to notice this pattern early on and seek couples counseling to help you both learn about this pattern and how to navigate conflict better for a long healthy relationship! Or there is resources online about conflict resolution and breaking negative cycles you can look into
>I’d hate to ruin the streak by possibly telling him how he made me feel.
Communicating something like this is so important. If you don’t, it will eventually bite you in the ass so much harder.
Also
>husband
>22M 22F
wtf
I understand the humiliation of thinking. You clean your butt well, and then messes happen, period it’s embarrassing.
However, I’d like to point out that for him, this mess was not a deal breaker period It sounds like He just wanted you to try it again because he likes having sex with you. It might help to have a direct conversation with him and tell him.
It made you feel uncomfortable.
As somebody who also likes anal and cleans, I will tell you what I think happened. Firstly, it depends on if the excrement was watery or if it was actually caked on the toy.
. If it was watery, it just means you got water in past your rectum. If this happens It usually means you held the water it for too long, you put too much water in, and it went past the sigmoid. it’s a much longer process to then clean your large intestian, and there’s some good posts about how to do these deep cleans. Also, after an enema, it is good. Have nothing in your butt for about forty-five minutes afterwards.And then you can put something in, so all the water drains out.
If it was caked onto the toy. This means that you had a lot more poop In your body, then you expected, you cleaned out your rectum, but it just made more room for more fecal matter. If this is the case, it can take as soon as within 10 minutes to fill the empty rectum up with poop again.
Try to remember, you may be embarrassed even humiliated And you feel he made fun of you, which is awful, period. But the general rule of thumb is when playing with the butt. There may be poop involved. cleaning your bum Ashley takes a lot of practice and knowledge of the human body period. Such as did I eat the night before. Which will fill up my Colon, did I use enough water? Did I use not enough water?Did I exercise or have caffeine today. Etc…
It sounds to me that your spouse.
Finds you sexy and you guys had an oopsy. The embarrassment of. This event might have turned you completely off, but he just wanted to enjoy your body.
I think this just comes down to Communicating explaining what your hard boundaries are and finding out what his are. It sounds like he obviously doesn’t know what you went through And it might be helpful for him, to. Your feelings are definitely valid, maybe trying to Acknowledge, you feel that way. And try to be okay with the feelings. None of us are perfect And shits just happens sometimes. .
I think most relationships (at least most of mine) need a reminder of entitlement. When sex is rarely denied, it becomes an expectation. In the rare time you say no, it’s a rock-back-on-your-heels moment.
A talk about you being completely entitled to say no (and no means no) should fix it. It doesn’t mean a blow job or hand job, it means no. Also, the difference between consent and enthusiastic consent should be explored.
It’s never an easy talk, you have my sympathy, truly. It is a talk that your future self will thank you for. It’ll also be a very good reminder of just how lucky he is that you two have such a robust sex life.
Someone asking strangers on the internet about this makes me feel uncomfortable. He’s your husband…. Maybe talk to him?
I welcome feedback from my girlfriend and I don’t want her trying to make me feel good when she doesn’t. She’s told me she’s had trouble orgasming on her own so I want to help her have one next time I see her but we are 1000 miles apart right now.
I totally understand your feelings because of embarrassment turning you off. I think by saying the teasing part, he was kind of telling you that it was OK and not to be embarrassed. Doesn’t sound like he meant it in a bad way. Anyone doing anal has to know that those things are going to happen every once in a while. It didn’t bother him so he was ready to keep going. That’s my take on it. He was probably trying to make you feel better so I wouldn’t worry about it too much. He didn’t shame you or anything. Sounds like you guys have pretty good communication.