We have been together for 4 years (we don't live together yet). We supposed to get married this winter. Something simple and small. Then the plan was that I'd move in with him for now and we'd look for a place to move to that would be more central for both our jobs.
He has ADHD (medicated) and he is successful in his work. However when it comes to basic tasks, he just simply won't do them and blames his ADHD. I am really understanding but sometimes it becomes annoying.
He simply will not clean anything. He does have a cleaning lady come once a week, so things are mostly fine, but there have been times when she's been away and in her absence he does literally nothing. She has been gone for 3 weeks (out of country) and during that time he just lets dishes build in the sink, he does no laundry, he doesn't change his bedding (and he sleeps with 2 dogs so there's fur everywhere) and he doesn't take out the garbage.
The one I have the hardest time with is that he will often be behind on invoicing clients. He doesn't want administrative help from other people (he wants ME to do it, but I also have a full time job). He doesn't feel comfortable working with anyone else. And the invoicing does take a bit of time, but it's really no big deal. And he doesn't get paid unless he does it. But over and over he just is months late and starts to run out of money (he also has issues with budgeting).
I find this stressful and it often will affect me (sometimes he needs to borrow some money just until he gets paid). Each day I'll ask him if he's invoiced, and he'll reply "nope". But he manages to go get his hair dyed. Or go get a massage. Or go to the dentist. Or yoga.
I try to be understanding, but I'm getting so tired of it. He acts childish about basic responsibilities, but he then will tell me he is able to be very successful at work (which is true…if he could budget he'd be well-off) so it's a trade off.
I'm at the point in my frustration that I'm considering calling off the wedding. And maybe even breaking up. But I'm not sure if that is just because I'm feeling stressed and frustrated and maybe there's a work-around. I go back and forth in my mind between "this is understandable for someone with bad ADHD and I need to be more sympathetic and patient" and "this is absolutely ridiculous behaviour for an adult".
I appreciate any insight, especially from those who have ADHD or are their partners.
tldr: partner has serious ADHD and just won't bother doing important tasks in his life, but is fine to spend time on his looks.
43 comments
Nope completely ridiculous. He doesn’t want to do anything. Have a discussion and tell him he has to do it. He is using it has a crutch.
Here’s the thing. I have adhd and often I use up all my mental energy at work and have very little for home. But you know what? As adults we still have to find ways to make it work. You say he doesn’t want other people to help with his invoicing *except he wants you to do it for free*. He knows he can’t clean so hired a cleaner but when she’s out *he doesn’t get a backup plan*. He’s 43. He knows these are all problems that are significantly negatively impacting both of your health and happiness and financial future but he’s not doing things to fix it.
This will not get better. Please do not marry or move in with him if he can’t make changes *himself*. Don’t trust him saying it. Don’t get complacent and decide it’s your problem. I’m not saying you have to break up (though I would) but please don’t let inertia stick you with someone who is offloading adulthood onto your shoulders.
OP you need to ask yourself if this is what you want for the rest of your life? It will only get worse.
It honestly seems like he is using it as an excuse.
Unless you want to do unpaid labour to actually have get paid, drop the marriage.
I have ADD. And if this is him medicated, this is what you get, it won’t get better after you marry him.
Yeah that’s a hard no for me:
1) he will cut the cleaning lady as soon as y’all move in to save money so he isn’t “borrowing” from you which means you will be his new mommy.
2) he’s borrowing money bc he’s too lazy to run his own business.
3) Is he paying you for your time invoicing? Probably not.
4) His ADHD is a convenient excuse for anything he doesn’t want to do and he’s gotten away with it. L
Story time. So my dad had his own business and he had my mom doing his payroll, invoices, accounting, and getting everything ready for taxes each year. He never effing paid her yet yelled and screamed often for it not getting done “on time”. She worked full time in a career, she raised us kids, she did all the cooking and cleaning (dad did NOTHING bc that wasn’t man’s work). My mom averaged 10 hours a week helping run his business while she also worked 40 plus hours a week on top of taking us kids to our activities, sports, and friends homes. She did all that on top of laundry for a family of five, cooking for a family of five, cleaning for a family (us kids did help out a lot) and multiple pets (at one point 2 dogs and 3 cats). I never remember my father ever paying her or even saying thank you. My mom did this for literally 20+ years and finally she had enough of his tantrums and told him to shove the payroll where the Sun didn’t shine bc she ‘didn’t get paid enough to deal with his BS’ . Dad tried to argue it was “her job” she said “ok, show me payroll stubs for my labor over the last two decades”. Turns out my father was claiming her time as his billable hours.
He wants you to be his unpaid maid. Come on.
Nope. End this relationship.
Wants you to do a huge part of his job? Doesn’t clean? Ooh he sounds like a prize! I think if you marry him, you’re singing up to be an unpaid bangmaid.
You’re not getting married to an adult. You’re adopting a child, working for a horrible boss, and taking on a new job as a cleaning lady, house manager, and caretaker. And you’re doing all of these things unpaid.
Does that sound like the life you’d like to live?
He managed without you for 39 years, feigned incompetence is not sustainable in a life partner.
That’s a hard no, and I say this as someone with executive disfunction so bad that I need to pay someone to call me to tell me to get on with things.
He’s easing you step by step into being his bangmaid.
As a *general* tip, marriage is for when a relationship is so good you’d like it to just carry on as it is forever. Not for a ‘fixer upper’.
Two thoughts:
(1) A diagnosis helps identify effective treatment options. It does not remove basic human needs or responsibilities from the diagnosed. If he needs accommodations at work, at home, those need to be detailed by his mental health professional. I promise you, guilting you into providing free invoicing services for his business is not part of his treatment plan.
(2) As I started reading this post, I was going to say if he primarily inconveniences himself, maybe it’s okay, but it didn’t take long to find that he only inconveniences you. If his condition truly were the cause of these behaviors, he’d be the one suffering the most, not you. Your problem is his values, not his ADHD. When something matters to him, it gets done; when it’s important to you, it doesn’t. That’s not ADHD driven.
He wants you to serve as an unpaid maid and administrative assistant.
It’s not going to get better when you live together or get married, indeed I feel quite confident taking bet it will get even worse. Hell, he will probably dismiss his cleaning service because he thinks you should do it.
Please tell him no fucking thank you. Don’t marry someone you expect or would want to change.
I have adhd and I struggle with executive functioning just like your boyfriend. Everything you have explained is classic adhd executive disfunction. I do however do my dishes and laundry.. it’s not easy but it’s something that needs to be done. Sounds to me like he isn’t even trying live a healthy life with adhd. He needs to take some responsibility
He’s using his ADHD as an excuse. Just because you have ADHD does not mean that you are disabled, doesn’t mean that you are incapable of taking care of yourself and being responsible adult. I have severe ADHD and I’m on the spectrum and I’ve always considered it is superpower! I can multitask like you would not believe. I’m a chef who is ran large restaurants as an executive chef, I run my own business now, it’s a meal delivery service. I raised five children. I never used ADHD as an excuse for anything. He’s lazy, is using his ADHD as a weapon and it is very manipulative behavior. He needs to grow up.
Absolutely nothing said on reddit will change who this person is.
Marry someone for who they are. Not for who you want them to be.
You’ve answered your own question already. I hope you’ve already changed plans.
The ADHD isn’t his fault but it IS his responsibility. If he still can’t be bothered to take care of basic things like GETTING PAID BY HIS CLIENTS and keeping his space at least semi-clean then he either needs a medication adjustment or he’s just plain lazy.
My partner has ADHD. He still cleans up after himself and makes sure his work is getting done, and he isn’t even medicated currently. ADHD isn’t an excuse to be a complete slob and expect your partner to baby you. Why are you even taking on unpaid labour for his business? That’s absurd. He’s using you.
Is he willing to change? Sounds like he’s not.
Are you happy with things continuing like this indefinitely? If yes, get married. If not, probably don’t.
He’s weaponizing his incompetence. Girl, this is as good as it will get. You think it’s bad now?
Wait till you move in. Every single duty will fall to you – cleaning, dishes, laundry, doing his business stuff. You’ll be exhausted, working to the bone while he gets to claim “ADHD.” While he continuously weaponizes his incompetence.
If you truly love him and are conflicted – I suggest the following – give him an ultimatum of sorts.
Call of the wedding (for now) and tell him why. Have that brutal, raw conversation with him. Tell him you know you’ll be the one doing everything. Tell him exactly how you feel and your fears of marrying him.
Explain that you will no longer be his mother and worker and caretaker – that isn’t what you’re signing up for. You want an equal partnership – equal in chores, tasks, work, equal in responsibility, etc. You won’t be doing any work tasks for him anymore and you expect him to handle himself like the grown ass man he is. Tell him you don’t want to marry until he can show you this – for a while. I’m thinking NO LESS than a year.
I suggest you watch his reaction very carefully here. It will be very telling. If he gets upset that you’re removing your work, blames you for being ridiculous, does not listen, gets angry, hints in any way that it’s a woman’s job to do this. etc. – there is your answer. Run like your life depends on it, bc the quality of your life will be abysmal and insufferable if you marry into that.
However, If he’s empathetic, listens, apologizes, agrees that he has these issues and he will work to fix it – maybe offers to get himself help, then maybe you have a chance to save something here. If this is the case – DO NOT fall into your old routine. Don’t let him weasel his way into you doing it all. DO NOT help him much and observe his behavior. Let him “sink or swim.”
Lastly, keep in mind- if he’s willing to live in filth, dishes piled high, and not doing the logistics of his business for his own self (especially now since he knows you’ll just do it) – he certainly won’t do any of this for you. This is why I say to give him at least a year if you maybe think you want to salvage this.
I personally have left partners after some months for similar things. They won’t change. This gets worse over time, not better.
In my raw opinion though, I say leave. You’ve seen enough and dating is a trial period and you know you don’t want to live this way.
Good luck.
As someone with ADHD who struggles a whole lot with household tasks and basic hygiene, it can only be fixed if he is willing to admit that it’s a problem for both you and him. My partner lovingly will take care of tasks for me because he knows that I will do them myself again when I’m able to. I guess having a good talk, maybe with other people close to him as well, could resolve it. But only if it isn’t weaponized incompetence. He needs to be willing to make life easier for you, too.
This sounds kind of like weaponized incompetence masquerading as ADHD. He wants you to think of him as competent and capable when it works to his advantage and someone who has this problem out of his control and needs help, when it’s something he doesn’t want to do. Did you ever notice how much more he struggles to do things that he doesn’t want than things he does? I’m not sure why you’d ever want to commit to someone like this.
Mr ex has ADHD and behaved the exact same way. He didn’t want to use his time off to do anything responsible like cleaning up after himself. So I stopped cleaning up after him. He didn’t clean his bathroom for 4 months. It was disgusting.
Honestly, I feel like you picked him up after I dropped him off, lol. The timing even works out!
Bottom line is he won’t change. And you don’t want to live like this. I read a book called Scattered Minds by Gabor Mate about ADHD, in an attempt to understand my ex, and one line really stood out- partners of people with ADHD often end up feeling like they are their parents because of all the behaviours you described.
Do not marry him. There is no workaround. You do not need to be sympathetic and patient any longer. You have tried that for a long as you’ve been together. You’ve done your time, my dear, you can leave now.
well, it sounds like you’ve been really patient, but it’s important to think about your needs too… if he won’t take responsibility for basic tasks, it might be worth reconsidering the relationship
The bar is in hell and he still can’t step over it but you want to give him a ladder?
Oh my god. He’s 13, not 43, and he is making active choices not to budget and invoice. This will be the rest of your life.
He wants you to be his unpaid maid. He chooses to live in utter filth if his cleaner is away. This is not ADHD, it’s laziness and entitlement.
ADHD isn’t a an excuse to get out of doing anything you don’t want to do. Your partner is waving a lot of red flags.
My wife has ADHD and all of those things you have described very much could be attributed to ADHD. However, just because it’s attributed to ADHD doesn’t absolve him (or her) of responsibility to find ways to make it work together. Sometimes I get super frustrated when the kitchen is super messy for the millionth time after I just cleaned it. When I do say something, she is very apologetic. She gets it can be hard and we spend a lot of time strategising to mitigate these impacts. Sounds like your boyfriend isn’t take responsibility for finding ways forward… so it’s more like personality + ADHD resulting in your rubbish experience of the situation.
Don’t marry this guy. He sounds like my ex. Functional at work, but useless everywhere else. The ADHD isn’t his fault, but not being an adult is his fault. Do not sign up to do his labor. I did it for ten years – never again.
Your future will look even worse if you get married because he’ll count you as “locked in”. Don’t do that to yourself.
You can stay together if you want, but stop doing unpaid labor for this guy, don’t move in with him, and definitely don’t marry him.
This man does not respect you and feels entitled to your servitude. If it makes you this upset now, imagine how you will feel after decades of this. Don’t marry someone hoping that they will change.
I’m not medicated and I’m 10 times more functional than this clown. Drop him already, jeez.
A lot of this is ADHD. But he’s medicated. Medication doesn’t fix everything (it made my time blindness worse) but it should help SOME stuff.
Also, asking to borrow money rather than invoice clients that already owe him money is insane.
The cleaning stuff makes sense to me. He’s hired a cleaner so it’s not his task to worry about anymore in his mind. Also, stuff like that is really easy to ignore when you have ADHD.
I’m not sure if you plan to have kids but I wouldn’t with him. It sounds like he’s not even TRYING to manage his ADHD, and I say that as someone who has many of the same issues.
The thing that sticks out to me is that you say he doesn’t forget to go to the dentist. Out of all the people I know with ADHD that’s one of the most commonly forgotten or procrastinated tasks. So it’s weird to me that he forgets to get money that’s already owed to him but can remember to go to the dentist.
Remembering to do the other stuff makes sense. People with adhd have a dopamine problem. Doing things he enjoys like yoga and massages give him dopamine so of course he remembers to do those. I remember every single time BTS releases new content. I think I’ve missed one music video the entire time I’ve been into Kpop. But let’s not talk about how I’ve forgotten two appointments this week. I’m not purposefully being an asshole I just genuinely forget, and that’s with two alarms, a reminder notification, and two separate calendar notifications.
He needs therapy to learn how to deal with the issues that are making other people’s lives difficult.
Because, yes ADHD is a disorder that genuinely affects people this severely, and it can’t just be wished away and it’s not a matter of just “caring more”, and people who have it deserve empathy, BUT it DOES affect other people and it would be understandable if you think it’s a dealbreaker.
Mine affects my kids and their father a lot. But we’ve tried to come up with ways around it and medication has helped. So has therapy.
If he’s not even trying to come up with ways to help the situation then he might not realize how much it affects you or he might not care. Make sure you talk to him and be honest about how it stresses you out. Be kind about it but be honest. If you already have (clearly though, as hinting or being subtle isn’t going to help, you need to clearly state that his ADHD is affecting you negatively) and he hasn’t made any effort to fix it, then you have to decide if you can deal with it for the rest of your life.
Edit: The issues with budgeting are absolutely adhd. Wanting YOU to do his invoicing for free isn’t. That’s just entitled assholery.
I HATE that excuse. I was diagnosed with severe ADHD, manic bipolar, anxiety, and other fun stuff over 25 years ago. Maybe it’s because I’ve HAD to deal with it for so long but…yea. it sucks. Hell, adulting isn’t the funnest with or without it.
But blaming that and not changing? Not trying? Not finding ways to manage and instead just blaming mental health issues and chemical imbalances?? No…that only flies for so long.
If he hasn’t changed, isn’t trying to, working towards, finding ways to…it’s not going to happen.
Him not doing the invoicing? Is him not doing his JOB. so…he doesn’t like all the things each individual human HAS to do as an adult to survive? Work to paythe bills, clean/do the kaundry/pick up after himself? Has YOU doing husband work? For free??
Nope. He needs to grow the fuck up. He’s not 12, living with his parents anymore.
I am so not trying to put the blame on you…but doing his job for him, is enabling,. Sometimes he is late on bills …bc he didn’t do his job? What DOES he do as an adult? I’d LOVE to have someone do all the things I don’t want to! But…that’s not the way life works! This is 100% unfair tonyou.and to put the blame on adhd? 🙄 mf finds WAYS to make it work! If you were missing a hand, would you find ways to feed and dress yourself? Cant walk..find ways to make life work and get around? It’s similar in that it IS a disability…that we get over (not the disability hut the shortcomings one has and hardships) and find ways, work around it, try and try again.
This just…it makes me SO mad because EVERYONE nowadays has adhd. And hearing that tossed around willy nilly, and as an excuse?? I’ve worked SO hard, found ways to be where I am. That’s unfair to people who DO grow the fuck up, stop blaming ones problems and making excuses. No one wakes up and thinks HELL YEA! I’m just excited to tackle everything today I hate!
Girl…he needs to start even TRYING. You’re not his maid. You’re not his mom. He’s not a spoiled teenage brat where someone hands him the world.
You might see yourself in a lot of posts in r/ADHD_partners/. I recommend reading the sub to gain some insight and camaraderie, but keep in mind that many of the posters are pissed-off exes, and things get toxic and defeatist in there sometimes.
My wife has ADHD (married decades), and here’s the quick rundown: It’s good that he’s sought care. Medication is a start. But ADHD is a severe, hard-to-overcome challenge that requires a concerted, consistent effort on the part of the afflicted, or else none of this works. People with ADHD can learn to structure their lives in a way that allows them to function as adults alongside the rest of us, but *they have to want to.* This usually means a commitment to therapy and coaching, as well as taking active responsibility for overcoming their condition.
One annoying thing about being the non-ADHDer in a relationship is that you can’t do the management for them. They’re often in a state of avoidance and anxiety about their obligations, and to whatever extent you let them offload that on you, they’ll tend to take you up on that offer. In this scenario, you’re not being supportive and patient; you’re enabling dependency and a failure to meet obligations.
This is a vast oversimplification, but the only way around that is setting hard boundaries and enforcing them. You can’t *make* them do anything, but you can do stuff like say, “Hey, if your place is unhygienic, I won’t be there.” When you show up, if it looks bad from the doorway, calmly spin around on your heels and walk away. Don’t get sucked into a fight over it (picking fights to relieve rejection sensitivity dysphoria and get a hit of dopamine is pretty common). Just leave and follow up with a text later.
I’d recommend against moving in, and I’d put the wedding on hold, until the situation is under better control.
I have ADHD. Daily, repetitive tasks are hard for me because they provide no stimulation. But yk what would be worse for my mental health? Living in a filthy house. So what I do is play an audiobook while I do chores. It keeps me from being bored and frustrated and that way I also finish books. Adults have to adult.
Using ADHD is a poor excuse and you don’t have to put up with it.
I have ADHD. When I couldn’t get things done (back when I was married) I at least felt horribly guilty about it. It also wasn’t consistent–it really did depend on my mental health from day to day. The work-around we found is if we cleaned together, I for some reason had a much easier time getting up the energy and motivation. So we might clean different things, but we worked on it at the same time.
The marriage did end up ending after a switch in medication basically made me insane for a year or so, but honestly, I can kind of understand why my ex couldn’t deal with it.
The key clue is that he is successful at work. He chooses to be successful at work. He chooses to be a failure at home. How convenient that a woman comes along who will sleep with him! Voila!
He’s leeching off of you and why not? You make his life way easier without requiring much in return. I’d say something like, “What do you do at work when your boss makes a request of you? Because I have a hard time believing that you tell your boss you just can’t do it because of your adhd.” These men always have such trouble at home but manage to hold down jobs. Why is that? Because a lot of them think house work is beneath them and they write it off as someone else’s job. I would not marry someone who makes my life harder. You should only marry a man who ADDS to your life. Any man who can watch you suffer and be okay with it is NOT marriage material.
He can perform and do well in his job but can’t clean…because of his adhd? Bullshit, he is using it as an excuse. After you move in with him (if you do) you will be the one who picks up all the slack and you will become resentful of him and there he will be “but my adhd” like it is some sort of excuse.
I would refuse to live like that. It will all be put on you. All he will provide is more work for you to do, fuck that…not worth it.
He can do well in all other areas of his life, but can’t do the dishes? I call bullshit. Not to mention if you two have kids….yeah, fuck that. Maybe you leaving him will put a fire under his ass to get his shit at home together, probably not though….
I’m your age and have ADHD…
Your partner is practicing weaponized incompetence/learned helplessness. I say that because I’m sure that if you weren’t around to do his invoices, he’d figure out a way to make sure he gets paid, ADHD or not. He wouldn’t act childish about basic responsibilities but still make sure he makes his yoga class and salon appointments.
There’s no reason he should be relying on you, OP, to handle his invoices. Stop doing that immediately and tell him to hire an admin assistant to handle tasks like that or simply not get paid. He is 43 and knows these are problems that are negatively impacting both your lives. There are so many solutions to his problems that he actively chooses not to consider (backup cleaning service, virtual assistant, invoice automation, etc), and it’s because he expects you to handle all that.
Two things to consider:
1. You don’t currently live together, but presumably will after the wedding. Are YOU prepared to be the one SOLELY handling the daily running of the household, from making sure bills are paid, the fridge is stocked, you have enough TP and PT, and “oh, it’s X’s birthday soon, we have to send a card”? All of this second shift and maintenance work will fall to you, and it can be exhausting and breed resentment overtime (ask me how I know).
2. How do you think he’d handle the situation if the roles were reversed? Would he handle your invoices and be okay with you not cleaning your space when the cleaning service was unavailable? Would he listen to you brag about being successful when you can’t even send out invoices? Would he’d be okay with all of this while you attend your pilates class?
Before you decide I would suggest you move in with him (and still keep your current place available). It’s not wise to marry someone if you haven’t lived together and tried if you’re compatible. Once you live together you will see shortly how your future will look like. Try it for a month or two and then I believe you’ll have a clear picture and you WILL know whether you want to marry this man or not.
I would dump someone who can find time to have their hair dyed but can’t do the damn dishes. And the refusal to invoice on time! It’s just weaponized incompetence.
Hello so I have ADHD and here’s my view. In summary it is – a diagnosis is supposed to help you address the issues not use it as an excuse or weaponise it.
– invoicing clients is very possibly an issue with executive dysfunction. He needs to address this and work out what will help him ensure this task is completed as necessary. An example solution is a dedicated hour a week (maybe start of the working week) assigned to this. Deadlines, structure and routine help with this.
– cleaning. Being generous this is possibly executive dysfunction and using all of his energy on work plus the meds wearing off by the time he gets home. Again, he needs to address it. Having a cleaner is a good idea as a start but he needs to find ways to help himself manage daily necessary tasks. For me I bought an Alexa show so I can listen to music/podcasts or even watch a show in the kitchen.
The main point is that he has to find ways to get these things resolved. It is not ok to put this onto you. The more you do it, the more you contribute to de-skilling him in these areas. You need to let him fail and deal with the consequences.
If someone was born with a physical disability – within reason they are able to find ways to manage their lives. It’s the same with ADHD.
I could never feel ok making my partner unhappy by blaming my ADHD and then refusing to try any methods to resolve it. That’s the crux of the issue.