I (36M) have been dating my girlfriend (33F) for just over six months now. I always thought that I would never be the relationship type, but I fell head over heels for her and this is really the first serious relationship I’ve ever had. We get along very well, my family and friends love her, she really is my best friend and I can see myself spending the rest of my life with her. This is a shock to everyone, including me, since I just figured I would forever be a bachelor.
We’re very open about everything but there’s one thing I haven’t told her because I have no idea how she’ll react. I have two kids with two different friends of mine.
I know that just makes me sound like I can’t keep it in my pants but they were both completely planned. The first was with a friend of mine who’s part of a lesbian couple. She and her wife wanted a baby very badly, we had been friends for years, and one night we were drunkly talking about me being a donor since they were having trouble finding someone they clicked with. Even when we were sober, they actually still liked the idea, and I was more than happy to help them out. That was about 4 years ago.
The second heard about my experience with my first friend and basically wanted the same thing. She and her husband were having fertility issues on his behalf, they spent lots of money on treatments, and nothing was working. They had been trying for 8 years at that point and were desperate as well. That was 2 years ago.
We all are part of the same friend group so my girlfriend has met them all, including the kids. I really didn’t think we would end up being in a relationship at first so I just didn’t mention anything. Now I know we’re in it for the long run and I feel like I’ve waited too long to say anything.
Edit: I’m mainly nervous because of what she’ll think about how we went about this since we did not use artificial insemination
44 comments
You have waited too long. This is a pretty big deal but I think some women might be ok with it. I would not wait any longer to tell her
I think you tell her exactly what you wrote here. What you did is not that uncommon. And it was generous and kind of you to help your friends. The longer you wait to tell her, the more uncomfortable it will be to have that conversation. Be open to questions. And trust that she’s react in a positive way.
Honestly, sooner rather than later, because her reaction will let you know right away if it’s gonna be an issue. I’d refraining from saying “I have kids” because while technically, yes you do, that comes off completely different. I’d would simply tell her that now that you guys are getting serious you feel she should know you were a sperm donor to two of your close friends that resulted in two healthy children being born. Be ready for questions, she might wanna know how involved if at all you are in those kids lives and if this means you yourself might want kids too someday. But again, sooner rather than later.
You seem like a beautiful, kind and generous human being. This is a huge thing but also a very nice thing. I’d tell her sooner rather than later.
wow, this is something, especially since you all still friends.
You need to tell it now. It’s pretty big deal, and she deserves to know. And , yes, there is a risk she might not be on board with that.
Say “I’m sorry I waited so long to tell you something. Please read this reddit thread.” and show her THIS!
Did you donate the sperm or did you have sex with your friends?
If it’s the latter be prepared for a blowup.
Nope nope I’d be out fast as fuck if I was her , idk how Long y’all been dating but that’s not something you wait around to talk about for, you should have really put some more thought into your donations before you were doing it. This will absolutely effect your relationship on so many levels. On top of that all y’all hang out, it’s not her thing to know but she would feel like the odd man out as well as how would she even interact with this friend group now. it would be to weird imo whatever you do don’t start with “I have kids “.
Dude if she doesn’t break up with you she’s desperate. She’s already met the kids!? Eish.
I don’t think you took too long to tell her. This is something you don’t just toss out to anyone.
Are all of the parents ok with sharing this info?
Also, you only donated sperm, they aren’t your kids, but your friend’s kids in the long run.
I think you’re hoping she reads this. “thought I’d be single forever” cop out.
>I’m mainly nervous because of what she’ll think about how we went about this since we did not use artificial insemination
Such fun, tell her trickle truth style.
It won’t matter as long as you don’t have any financial obligations.
and you remain detached to the emotions of fatherhood.
Honestly, I think you’re at the latter end of the sweet spot of sharing this information.
First couple of months you’re still feeling things out. The kids aren’t actually yours, just biologically. They haven’t met your friends at that point. The kids haven’t been introduced. It would be weird to tell her before she met them.
Months 3-6 is where you start sharing some of the big shit. ‘My mother is Bi-polar’. ‘I am unmedicated ADHD’. ‘Some of my friends are also my exes’ ‘Those kids are absolutely not my kids, but biologically I did assist the parents with having them.’
And that’s the thing. You tell her this in the light of: ‘It won’t really be an issue, but in case it is, I am biologically their father. Something you should know in case of absolutely terrible things happening to the parents and the law tries to assign them to me’
And if you present it as a legal matter, not an emotional one, then it stays that way. You’re not wrapped up in these people. You never dated. You helped them have kids. That’s a pretty noble thing to have done. Sure, you did it the old fashioned way instead of through machines. But the point was helping their relationships. That’s pretty cool.
Whatever you do, mention that you did it by having sex with them. If she will have to ask to get this info, it will look as if you tried to hide it from her, and just because of that so much worse. So be upfront about all the aspects.
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Rip the band-aid off. It will be awkward sure, but that’s the way. Your nerves are worthy. Use them to remind yourself that you care about this woman. Do apologize for waiting so long.
It’s more than your gf has socialize with everyone including the kids and everyone knows the truth – except her. It’s like an inside joke she doesn’t even know she unaware of. She may feel foolish. It is complicated that you had sex with your lesbian friend and then also your friend’s wife. At the end of the day, remind yourself that it happened. They are blessed with children now. They are thankful for your seed. Plus you all remain friends.
The best time to tell her was yesterday, the second best time is today. This awesome lady deserves a chance to accept, love and respect all parts of you. You got this. Do it in person of course.
Be prepared that she may not be comfortable with seeing your friends and their kids after knowing you slept with them. But this shouldn’t stop you from telling the truth – as others said, she will find out and you want it to be from you.
If I was her in this position it would be easy to accept that you were a donor if it was artificial insemination. I wouldn’t be able to get past the fact that you slept with friends, even if the sole purpose was to be a donor. She may be more cool with it, but it’s generally hard to get past something like that due to the physical nature of it all. She may see them in the same light as a past hookup/ex which most people aren’t thrilled if their partner keeps in touch with.
Edit to add: I’m not suggesting you cut contact with your friends. But it’s worth being prepared that she may have that reaction once you tell her and it all sinks in
So have you watched shameless? Cause yeah… this happens.
!Remind Me 1 week
I would sit her down and start with something like this:
“I have something important that I need to share with you. It’s doesn’t directly involve our relationship, but it’s something you should know as I see a future for us and I want to be as open and transparent as I can. There are a lot of details involved, so I would really appreciate it if you could give me a moment to explain the whole situation. Once I finish sharing everything with you, I would love to answer any and all questions you may have.”
Then just explain everything you shared in this post. If I were you, I would start by saying you are the biological father to two children, then explain the situation. Rip the bandaid off right at the beginning and then the details will soften the blow.
This will probably be a shock to her as it is very unconventional, but as long as you’ve signed away all of your rights, this doesn’t truly affect her. It may take some time for her to process the information, so her questions may continue for a while after this conversation.
As for the method of conception, that will also be something she may not be comfortable with, but as long as those were the only instances with either party, it shouldn’t be a huge issue. Just reiterate that both parties are married and artificial insemination can be expensive.
Good luck!
Edit: also at some point, apologize for not sharing this information with her sooner. Avoid excuses and just own up to it.
updateme!
I mean now is as good of a time as ever. Let the parents know first though and give their thoughts. Something like “I think it’s time I tell her about the fact that I am a donor for you guys…” and let them weigh in on how to do it. Be honest, most importantly about why and how. Don’t wait any longer. Telling her after the first time she met them all would’ve been optimal… but it is what it is.
Simple, just tell her you donated your sperm for the two kids. It’s not a lie and the parents are entitled to confidentiality on the details. Honest, and should be acceptable to her, and clear your conscience.
You gotta tell her but if I’m being honest, you may lose her. This is huge. Should’ve been honest from the start.
First thing. You are in the same friend circle and too many people already know.
Tell her that you helped some friends by being a sperm donor. Two children that you are not their legal father. If she doesn’t ask about the delivery method you need to volunteer that info upfront.
If you want to have your own children, now is the time to discuss.
> I’m mainly nervous because of what she’ll think about how we went about this since we did not use artificial insemination
WTF So you had sex with them? You could have used turkey baster thing.
She has already met all of them, which honestly makes this soooo late! If they were people she had never met it would be easier, but you had sex with your group of friends and you are still friends with them, and the kids are part of the group. And everyone knows!
So did you get a lawyer to iron things out or you also did not get a lawyer? Because you could have been on the hook for child support if the couples broke up or something happened.
I would just be pissed off by the irresponsible aspect of the whole thing.
You have to tell her and don’t leave anything out, give her opportunities to ask lots of questions. Maybe she will think you are a nice guy. I wouldn’t have a problem with sperm donor, but I would have an issue with my partner having sex with multiple women multiple times in the group of friends and having children of his around the friend group. It would also be complicated if she wants kids, because then the friends are actually half siblings.
The longer you wait the worse it will get. Tell her soon as possible and tell her what you told us. It will be bumpy but you just might make it out. If you keep it a secret, when she finds out she’ll lose all trust in you
Gotta tell her. She may not care or be weirded out by having to be around someone you’ve slept with (feelings or not). Or being around kids, she knows are biologically yours. One day these kids might start looking like you and she may start to question why. This should not be a secret. You did it before her, but she needs to be told. Because eventually she’ll find out and that can get sticky.
Also if she chooses to stay. Maybe you guys need to talk about your “future” kids if you want them. Because are you not going to tell your children that the “friends” they play with are actually biologically their half siblings. Not knowing this can anger a child once their adult age and find out this was kept from them. This would be different if you weren’t around them anymore. This is why donors are anonymous, no ties, no communication. Because it can be sticky even if helping a friend.
Does anyone else feel like this is some creatively crafted bullshit?
Here is the thing, based on your comments and responses below.
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This was not just sperm donation. You had sex with your friends. Your girlfriend knows them and hasn’t “been in on the secret” for all this time. The secret is not just that you have biological offspring (who are not your children, in so much, as they are really just decedents from your sperm) – which is maybe not a big deal. But that you had sex with two of the people in your friends group – and I suspect that this might actually be a much larger issue. She knows them, has been hanging out with them, and the entire rest of the circle knows the “back story.” A lot of people who feel embarrassed and betrayed by not knowing that information up front.
I am also going to hope that you have clear legal documents that indicate that you are not responsible financially for these children, because that would be another huge concern for someone contemplating marriage or LTR to a partner.
At least you’ll know you make amazing children! But that will be a difficult conversation to have. Could go either way, but, it must be done.
You have to tell her. She deserves to know that you have bio kids.
What you and your friends did, before you met her, shouldn’t matter to her, I feel. It’s not like you did horrible things, you helped two friends have a kid that they wanted. The having actual sex part might feel weird, but again, shouldn’t matter to her? Depends on how she thinks or feels. It’s not like you’re on the hook financially for the kids.
Maybe have them with you to tell her
>I’m mainly nervous because of what she’ll think about how we went about this since we did not use artificial insemination
Tell her now and let her make the decision as to whether she wants to continue dating you.
Some women wouldn’t care. However, the decision to have sex with your friends and father children with them is different than donating at a clinic. It could be a dealbreaker, but you have to be honest because this will eventually come out. You’ve made your choices, don’t take away her right to make hers with all the information.
Questions-
What are the legal arrangements? Were any official contracts drawn up or could you become legally responsible for these children if something goes in a unexpected direction?
Getting pregnant doesn’t seem to happen on the first try that often. That being said, were you repeatedly having sex with your friends wives during ovulation for months? I just can’t imagine it was one and done with either, much less both so that makes it even harder to digest.
Those are some things I would want to know from your girlfriend’s POV so you might want to have an answer to those ready.
If it makes you feel better OP, if there were no other red flags in the relationship, I would be okay with this and even happy/proud that you did so and helped out your friends. Forreal. Have the talk; if its an honest and solid relationship and she isn’t overly jealous, it should be fine. Hell, I’d be excited to see the ‘lil-you’s’ next time with your friends! And it would be great to chat with everyone now that it’s all out in the open.
Tell her before she finds out from a 3rd party. And what you did was a good thing. Ever seen The Big Chill?
Smh just take this one to the grave
Hang on a minute, all these posts saying because he had sex with them once years ago and stayed friends is going to be a problem because she’s met them.
1, they were and both still and are in relationships and it was discussed between them all.
2, it’s in his past she wasn’t around and had nothing to do with her.
3, having a one night stand with no emotional involvement and having an ex are 2 different things.
4, he helped these couples to have a baby! Sure you can start acting jealous because he had sex with a friend you’ve met and weren’t told straight away but the bigger picture is he helped 2 couples have a family.
Telling her now is going to be difficult she may feel she was kept in the dark but she also needs to understand that’s it’s not something you go telling everyone as it incredibly private and as you did this for 2 couple it’s up to them if they want people to know how it happened. But as you feel the way you do about her and don’t want to keep secret you’d like her to know, but it’s still a very private thing.
I’m assuming that this isn’t common knowledge to everyone that is?
OP I’m surprised you were able to type this all out with one hand. You had sex with and impregnated a lesbian, very believable. People are so damn gullible lol
Are the couples names both on birth certificates?
Was there any paperwork between you because you should be able to sign over any and all parental responsibilities to them so, heaven forbid if anything turns sour in the future or relationships fall apart, you aren’t chased for child support.
In the uk if you don’t receive child support from the other biological parent of your child but have lived with someone else as a couple for more then (I think) 7 years then that goes sour, the person you’ve been living with has to pay child support as they have been actively living like a parent.
Ooo, ouch. Really need to tell her before she finds our from someone else, if she find out that way, there is even less hope of her being accepting.
Mind, you should prepare yourself for her reaction. Have you signed off your parental rights fully? Or can they come after you for childsupport? Don’t be naive in this aspect, even if you’re friends now, 10 years down the line, who knows where life takes you. Besides, this is likely a question your gf will have.
You’ve been seeing her for over six months, this is about the right time to tell her. Just tell her that IVF is expensive and that “the route that you took” was the legal parents’ call, you were just helping two couples have children.
Just tell her that there’s something complicated that you need to tell her about and then go on from there.