TL;DR: I don't feel safe to be vulnerable with my boyfriend, which has led to many conflicts, and has me thinking I shouldn't be in a relationship. However, my boyfriend's not ready to break up, no matter how many times I've pushed the subject. I know he deserves better than someone like me, so how do I really fix this avoidance I'm seeing in myself?
The only reason I'm able to say "5 years" is because he's been the glue that's held us together. Over the years I've been conflicted: thinking that we're incompatible, that we want different things out of life, I need my independence back — all excuses I realized are common among those with a fearful-avoidant attachment style. I don't expect everyone to know what that is. I only just discovered it. Basically it means that due to trauma or genetics, I never learned how to securely attach to loved ones. I have a lot of unfounded trust issues. It's physically hard to allow myself to reach out and show affection. Sometimes I become extremely anxious about being abandoned, and basically do whatever he wants, but when things are going OK, I "deactivate" at perceived slights, becoming distant, saying hurtful things when he doesn't understand me, or feeling smothered or used.
This has been a very toxic situation for my boyfriend to be in. Even after discovering this about myself and staying self-aware in our interactions, I've already had another meltdown and distanced myself. It pissed me off that he made the whole day about sex and kept trying to kiss me while I had a cut on my lip and needed to get housework done. Pathetically, in the middle of performing oral sex, I bluntly told him that and left the room. I realize this was probably quite hurtful. In the moment it felt like my boundaries weren't being respected. I would love to know what a healthy person would have done in my situation. I never know if I'm blowing things out of proportion, or if my reaction is normal.