I have this online friend. We’ve talked on and off for two years. When we first met I could tell he was interested in dating but at the time I didn’t know if I even had romantic and sexual feelings for guys. I went through this whole period of repressing my sexuality because I was anxious it was sinful. So since I told him I didn’t know if I even wanted a guy, he dropped it and we were friends.
Well lately I realized I need to accept that part of myself. And it’s like it opened up the flood gates. I felt horny all the time. If feels like it’s challenging to resist the urge. Well my conversations with him turned more spicy. I told him though I don’t want to mess up our friendship though.
The thing is he isn’t a Christian so I can’t date him, my family said I’m not allowed to and I feel confused honestly about my religion and about everything. If I’m with someone who isn’t a Christian instead of the other way around I think I’d flip to not being one. And I can’t do that, I just can’t. Anyways he said we could dirty talk and it wouldn’t ruin our friendship but I told him, but then what if we find other people? He told me it would be fine.
Talking intimately with him felt so good. Something about talking that way with a guy made me feel so much less alone. I’ve never had someone like me back. He asked me if we could be in a relationship again, I told him that I can’t, I just can’t. I wanted to but it couldn’t ever be that.
We talked about it, I told him I never wanted to hurt him, I told him I didn’t want to lead him on. He insisted I wasn’t. So we decided to be friends but keep doing what we were doing. When he was horny or when I was horny which was only a few times we’d dirty talk, we’d imagine being intimate with each other.
But so I went to my counselor and she asked what I wanted and I didn’t know. She told me that he was probably pretty confused and that I was sorta using him. I felt anxious about that throughout our relationship I’ve been trying so hard to do everything right. I don’t want to hurt him I reiterated it over and over again. I have OCD so my mind frequently convinces me I’m a manipulator and a narcissist and a horrible person.
I’ve listened to guys stories about girls that hurt them I never wanted to be that way I tried to use extra caution always. I asked him over and over again and tried to be sure I wasn’t hurting him. I had a bit of a panic attack over the situation and when I have had panic attacks anyways I go to him. Or I spill my guts online compulsively.
He insisted over and over I wasn’t hurting him. I just can’t stop thinking what if he is the one? I’ve never had a friendship where we talked so much. I think my anxiety held me back, I think the reason I got so close to him is cause I got medication to control my anxiety issues.
I’d miss him a lot if we stopped talking but I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to lead him on.