To begin with, I'm more than well aware this is anything but alright. I'm actually turning 17 in 5 days (as if that would change things at all) and foolishly thinking someday he might perceive me in a different way…
It's not like he's the typical "hottie", "cute", "sexy" guy, or at least I don't find him "sexy" although i definitely find him arousing. Not because he is particularly "pretty", but rather because of his charismatic on-point comments, dark humour, kinda flirty approach (not just towards me), general charm, etc, among other things we share.
It's worth mentioning as well, that another thing that UNDOUBTEDLY got my hopes up is the fact that last week I was at my dad's office lending him some keys, when he suddenly entered a meeting, told me to wait in the main hall and, while entering, I bumped into his assistant/secretary. It was not our first encounter, we have known each other since the beginning of the year, when he entered the job. He was always very quirky, slightly flirty or playful, sarcastic and overall charming, to my perception. That day he was having a bit of a coffee break and we began chatting. We were talking about our taste in literature; I told him I love Huxley's books and themes, he told me about his personal favourites, etc. Then he asked If I had ever read 1984 by George Orwell, which curiously enough I had not read until that moment. I thought nothing of it, just two people having a nice time sharing opinions. A few days later, I came back into the office and, just when the assistant was about to leave, he gave me the book: his personal special edition of 1984. All this, while he had made very clear before (not to me, but I overheard a conversation) that he had a personal policy of not lending books ever to anyone no matter the circumstance.
I have to say I was surprised seeing him break these rules, surprised in the best of ways, actually. Since then, not only I can't stop reading 1984 with all the enthusiasm within me, waiting for the day we can discuss it, but I also can't and won't to stop thinking about him. Several times since school break began, I found myself daydreaming about him, his smile, the way his eyes shine, how he would be my first kiss, lock his eyes in me, my body, and slip his fingers through my neck, my clavicle, take away my clothes, desire me passionately like no one ever has, and all the rest. What can I do? I'm so delusional. (I'm so so so sorry it got so long, haven't wrote in a while and got inspired).
TL;DR,: I am attracted to my father's assistant, who is 18 or 19 years older than I am. He is really nice to me, quite playful, charming, maybe even flirty to my perception (I suck at interpreting human intentions). I'd love to kiss him, hold him, etc. I also know it's impossible. But, as delusional as it may sound, I'm hoping his idea of me changes.