About two hours ago or so my husband (M27) and I(F24) got into a huge fight.
Here’s the backstory: My father in law is here atm and when my husband tried to take a nap he couldn’t because my fil was too loud for him, so it put him in a bad mood already. I was working all day so when I come home my husband wasn’t in a good mood but whatever, we all have those days.
His dad wanted to go out and eat but my husband didn’t want to, so they go back and forth until my husband decided to drive him to a restaurant, come back home and finish his schoolwork so the two of us can go later.
I just relaxed on the couch while he finishes his schoolwork and he asked me to empty the dishwasher, I didn’t want to since I had a stressful day. This upset him but I honestly don’t really know what caused this fight.
He just starts yelling at me and won’t listen even though I tell him to lower his voice otherwise I will leave the situation, then out of nowhere he yells at me that we’re done. I just told him to leave the house to go to the restaurant with his dad because I couldn’t take it anymore but he wouldn’t leave saying that this is his house, I can go f myself and so on and so on…..
Right now he’s apologizing to me over text so there’s that too.
My question here is: Is it normal/okay for your significant other to yell at you?
TL;DR: Me and husband got into a fight, he yelled at me saying that we’re done.
25 comments
People get irritable and can sometimes snap at their partners, but that’s still not really OK and requires an apology. Yelling at your partner is even worse.
If it’s a one-off and he takes responsibility for it, that’s one thing. But if this is a pattern in your relationship it’s not a healthy dynamic.
Yelling at one’s partner in anger is not normal (shouting from a distance for volume is a separate issue). Having it happen every now and then and then apologizing could be okay. I don’t know if I’d put up with it, but it if were rare, people do have bad days. But it certainly should be an anomaly and apologized for.
When it’s ok to yell at a partner:
1. When they’re in immediate danger and you need to alert them
2. When someone near them is in immediate danger and they can help but haven’t noticed
3. No other time
4. Literally no other time or reason is ok
Healthy, respectful partners will feel themselves getting heated and either deescalate or pause the conversation. There is zero reason ever to get to the point you’ve gotten to.
Apologies without changed behavior are meaningless. If he is actually sorry, he will sign up for anger management of his own volition, and commit to never letting things go that far again.
This is Reddit, so I know I’ll get downvoted, but my husband and I are Italians. We yell during arguments at least 50% of the time.
But what we don’t do is yell things like insults or fuck you or threaten to leave. I feel like the real issue here is what he actually said, not how loudly he said it.
My husband has NEVER yelled at me. I have NEVER yelled at him.
Your husband needs to get his head out of his ass. He owes you the biggest apology and let his happy ass unload the dishwasher. Tell him to send his father home – since you don’t need your husband’s attitude and houseguests.
It is time for a counselor –
Depending on your temperaments, sometimes yelling or being loud in general, is normal. Telling you that you’re over and to go F yourself and anything like that is not ok. Did something else happen before you got home that may have triggered his outburst? If that is or becomes a regular thing, you might need to see about somewhere else to live.
Best wishes with whatever happens. Please let us know what happens..
While I wouldn’t say it’s “okay”, people are… well, human. Sometimes we lose our cool. It sounds like he was already reaching his breaking point and the dishwasher situation was just the final straw. It wasn’t you, it was all the other things he’d been trying to hold back that day, and maybe for days or weeks or months before.
What *isn’t* okay is telling you to go fuck yourself. That was wholly out of line. Was this out of character for him? If yes, then it might be worth it to be gracious in this situation. You will almost undoubtedly have a day where you need to be granted a little grace. If this is a pattern, it’s a whole other story.
You might benefit from reading the book Why Does He Do That?
Just in case
Shocking that you all only yell inside. Suppressing emotions is asking for trouble
In 9 years of marriage my husband has never yelled at me in anger once. And vice versa. 🤷♀️
Is it okay?
No.
Do arguments happen out of nowhere when people are stressed out and not at their best and say stupid and/or hurtful things?
Yes.
I’ve been your husband, I’ve been you.
I only have my relationship as a measuring stick so… We do yell at each other sometimes but usually it’s an argument from both sides not a blowup from somthing so small as not clearing the dishes. We’re both incredibly stubborn so there’s that. But it’s never gotten to the point where one of us tells the other to leave because we’re done. I think something else might have happened to spark this but he was WAY out of line here.
No. This isnt normal.
Since the house wasn’t on fire at the time, no. You asked him not to yell (sometimes emotions need a reminder cue to tone it down) and he didn’t listen. He yelled at you because he wanted to yell at his dad but couldn’t. You were convenient and he picked a fight with you.
Does he need to be thrown out? No. But he does need to understand you’re not his whipping wife to act as stand in when he’s angry or frustrated at someone else. Adults handle conflicts constructively. He could have told his father to 1) be quieter 2) wait to go to dinner 3) take an uber if he wanted to go somewhere so badly and husband did not. Everyone here had choices to make about how to react to others and did not choose wisely.
And the comment about “this is my house, you can f off” does only his name appear on the mortgage? Even if you’re not in a community property state, if the house was purchased after you married its yours too. Only exception is if he purchased it using inherited funds kept separate and maintained the home from those funds. If he’s using his paycheck to pay the mortgage it’s marital property. I’m assuming you don’t have a prenup or postnup.
With comments like that, a postnup wouldn’t be a bad idea. My prenup cost $350 for 2nd marriage and best money ever spent.
Good luck to you.
His father being in town may be bringing up childhood vibes. Ask him about that?
Is it ok no, but it’s not the end of the world if it doesn’t happen often and isn’t normal. We all make mistakes get tired stressed and say/do stupid things. I am not saying that was ok but it’s great that he is apologizing. I am guessing it’s over text because he is with his dad at dinner. I think there needs to be a talk about it later in person😀 sorry heated fights are never fun.
As others have said yelling is not great but it happens sometimes. What he said is not normal for a healthy relationship. The whole conflict sounds incredibly immature.
Sounds normal to me. Sounds like he’s under a lot of stress, and you should have just emptied the dishwasher. It takes like 5 minutes to do. Are you working, or in school? Does your father in law pay any bills, or is your husband financially supporting him?
Anyway, it’s perfectly normal to get irritable, bicker, and even get to this point. It’s part of living together. I’d be worried if you never got into an argument because at that point, people just bottle stuff up and sneak around or blow up one day.
This economy and social pressure doesn’t help at all too. Cut the man some slack. Gotta pick n choose battles in a marriage.
Honey, you know that was not ok.
Yes, we all have bad days and we all can snap, but most of us apologize quickly and it doesn’t escalate. It sounds like he berated you.
You teach people how they can treat you. This was in no way your fault, but you need to tell him it was absolutely not ok and it is not to happen again. You don’t deserve that.
ETA In a healthy relationship, the relationship itself is not on the line in every little squabble. He’s either very immature or manipulative. I would mention that to him as well.
No one said it was an excuse, just worth exploring
No one is perfect. Sounds like he doesn’t usually do that.
It sounds like he is under a lot of stress for some reason and is taking it out on you. Not cool. Try asking him when you are alone if there’s anything he wants to get off his chest and that you can support him if he talks it out with you instead of waiting until he blows up over something small (the dishwasher). Good luck, I would make it clear it’s not ok to yell at you for any reason. Stick to your boundaries (and not tolerating yelling is a normal ,healthy boundry)! It’s also not ok to willy-nilly go off and say hes done just because you were fighting. Those are strong words.
im 28, bring him here…needs to respect his elders that no good sl..ik li..ck.g… of.. b….. i ssw…ear.. when the belt is off..
umm first of all yes its normal AF.
Second of all do you have a favorite actor by chance? in a specific movie?? Let me explain!
This move called “dads done” stars you’re father in law at a restaurant (involved in a tension fight with you’re husband)
Husband comes home and he’s clearly yelling at his father before he opens the door (sentimentally continuing his prev unseen tension/ talking to himself) as he opens the door husband is not satisfied.. as the body of his father isn’t actually there to take some more verbal slaps..
What’s this? Oh no this movie, however, “dads done” stars you the wife wearing a male costume as the Father-in-laws Doppelgänger. Husband quickly sees this and in shock/ confusion/ lack of sleep (mild psychosis) gets boiled up, confused but can’t wait to say those last few gas presses he couldn’t satisfy talking to himself just a min earlier before entering the home. Husband asks his Doppelgänger father to better empty the dishwasher or else, then Doppelgänger father belittles him and says no. And all husband sees is father/pissing off/ me/ no sleep/ me angry/ me rawwwr/ me family no.
This move called “dads done” stars you’re a father in law at a restaurant (involved in a tense fight with you’re husband)d)
If you feel like it’s not okay, then it’s not okay. Trust yourself.
Read up about “the four horsemen of the apocalypse” idea for relationships. Learning about those behaviors (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) and what do instead of them has significantly changed the way I approach all relationships in my life – not just romantic ones.
It sounds like everyone’s under a lot of stress with work, family visits, and being in school. You all know that stress will happen and that it will affect your mood, so talk about how you talk to each other. Make an agreement for how you’ll handle things before they become a yelling match. Strategize and adjust over time!