I (F28) have a boyfriend(M29). We’ve only been dating a little while. We met online and from what I can tell, we really like each other a lot.
We do this thing where we wait until we’re not in public to kiss. We’d go to the back seat of my car, or behind a tree at the park or whatever.
Anyway, we were sitting in the backseat of my car, kissing. When I think I felt his tongue poke my lip. I pulled away instantly. I didn’t have a problem with kissing before, but suddenly I was thrust back to this really really dark time in my life.
See, my grandfather started kissing me when I was 16 years old; he’d do it in secret. We went to his house every Friday, so I’d come to expect that I was going to get a kiss. When we were alone, he would often come around for his “dessert”. I didn’t like it, but he would kiss everyone on the lips so I didn’t say anything.
When I was learning how to drive, my grandpa would kiss me in the car. They were long “passionate” kisses— the way couples would kiss and, even though he told me not to, I told my parents anyway. I told my mom first, and I tried to play it off as innocently as I could. I said “Grandpa kisses me weird. He kisses me and holds my face. He calls it his dessert.” Mom told Dad and he helped me get out of driving with him.
It wasn’t long after that that I started to develop some kind of anxiety. I would swear I could feel his lips on me and I’d have to wipe my lips off with the back of my hand. I didn’t feel clean. And every time I’d see him, it made it worse. I tried to tell my mom once and she said not to make a big deal about it and to stop acting like that.
I did my best. Whenever he was around, I tried to my best to remain in the presence of others. Then when he was diagnosed with cancer. While he was sick, he’d try to bring it up again while he was sick, but I’d refuse kiss him that way. Just on his cheek.
Then he died and I let this die with him. I didn’t talk about it anymore. I let them have their good memories of him. I let them say what a good man he was. I buried it down. I forgave him. But the thing is, I think that this experience ruined kissing for me.
I don’t even know how to bring this up to him. I’m kind of scared of him leaving me but if he does, at least I’d know where he stands. I don’t want to ruin my relationship with him, as it feels I ruin everything in my life. But I can’t shake this. I’ve tried and I’ve tried. I just don’t know what to do. My boyfriend deserves the truth. How do I go about this?